To The Moon and Beyond

She is lonely
She keeps looking to her side
wishing somebody sitting down with her
during lunch
She wish she has a hand to hold
crossing the empty street
She wants to tell someone
about the exciting people she met at work
She hopes to sing all of her favorite love songs
address to a particular person
The night is cold but her bed is warm
yet she wishes she can share it with someone
She dreams about being a sun to someone
as much as she wants to centre her life around him
She imagines loving hard
so hard that nothing left for her

What she wish looks so far a way from her grasp
That's why she put her hopes high to the sky
Where the stars sing for the lovers
Where the moon lights the way for the wanderer
Where the infinity keeps the secret of the universe
Where possibilities spread wide from where she stands
to the unknown

Opening Up The Pandora

I found this video like 15 minutes ago, when I was chilling after my workout. I'm sharing this here because I wish that whoever it is stumbled to this page will find this video and be inspired.

I'm not gonna say anything about this video. Just watch and listen to yourself. Sometimes that's all you need.

I have mix feeling now. But mostly, feeling content. This feeling probably lasts for only another hour, before my consciousness finds a way back to reality. I don't care. I'll live for little moments like this. Little by little, till I'm big enough to embrace, to accept, to fight, to forgive, to love, to let go....

:)

Jogja Archive: Epilogue

Jogja has a similar vibe like Paris. It's the city of love. To be in love, to be out of love, to question love.

Night at Jogja is mellow. The city light is dim, the neighbourhood is quite and the cloud stays heavy and grey. But once you reach Malioboro, it's a bursting of feeling. The crowd excites you, the food stalls tempt you to commit a "sin" or two. Its festivity is contagious, inviting you to celebrate the night, lifting up your mood, sending fireworks to your chest. Suddenly, all you can see is colorful faces, drown in laughter and happiness.

I don't know why, but something was weighting my heart. And being at Jogja just complete the unsettling feeling. I didn't really understand what was that about. I felt sad for no particular reason. I felt, out of love.

As our Uber crossing the street of Malioboro one night, I couldn't help but thinking about people in my life. About a guy. There's this guy who has a pair of beautiful eyes. I love the way he look at my eyes whenever we speak. I love chatting with him. I love talking some bullshits with him. We met only twice, but I feel like we've been friends for life. I rarely enjoy accompany of a stranger. He's nothing like a stranger.

I guess, I fell in love with his clear brown eyes. I can't really take them off my mind. Whenever it's raining, I'll be coming back to his eyes. The fact that he's looking into my eyes, like trying to get in and see me. Me.

Hmm, I probably reading this too much.

I recently found out that he has a girlfriend. My heart died a little that day. I've been telling my self that I should not expect anything, expect too much. But I can't lie about how I felt that day. I spent the whole week avoiding the thought of him in my head. It's funny to run away from your own thoughts. And it's tiring.

I remember he loves Jogja so much. I can see it from the excitement of his eyes. Jogja has been a home for him for a couple of years. Even after he moved back to Surabaya with his parents, he left a part of his heart at that city. That city was an unforgettable journey for him. Every corner has its own stories. Bitter or sweet, he embraces both with smile.

I remember being curious. What is it about that city?

Probably, probably I went to Jogja for a mission. To prove him wrong. To prove him that there's not much out of that city. Kind of a revenge cause he made me feel sad whenever I recall his kind eyes, leaving me feeling guilty cause it's none of his fault in the first place. It's all me anyway but still, I need to set this right again.

I don't think I got my revenge after the trip. The only thing I felt was tired. I missed my bed. I missed the cats. I was so tired that I didn't give a fuck about this prove-him-wrong-business any longer. Lesson learnt. Don't sweat yourself for the sake of a revenge to your potential-love-interest-that turned-wrong.

If I ever come back to Jogja again, I want to forget everything and be in love. With the dimmed city light, with the quite neighbourhood and with the heavy clouds that shadowing the building, leaving a mystery in every corner of the street.

Jogja Archive: Drown

Deep

Intoxicating

Yet at the same time, liberating

Like breathing under water

Like the first day of summer

Like swimming in the pool of daisies

I'm tangled

I'm suffocated

Yet at the same time, feeling alive...

...more than ever

-- The first sunny day at Jogja. Spending the day hiking at Gunung Kidul. Lovely scene. Greenery <3 i="">

Jogja Archive: Hopes

There I was, standing alone in the middle of the of the rain

with my rain boots on

under a big umbrella

My chest ached, as I saw two people before me hugging each other

soaking wet, as if challenging the universe

that nothing can separate them right now,

physically and mentally

I was in awe

If only I didn't run back home to grab the umbrella

If only I just ran straight to where he was

If only I left everything behind,

to go to see him

But I never thought it was a race

Cause what I feel was no adrenaline rush

I came to offer him warmth

under my yellow umbrella

Turned out, he didn't mind to get cold

As long as he's wrapped by gentle arms

I wish I showed up first

I began to think I might stand a chance

to be the one to hold him tight

-- That day, I found out that beach has so many characters. It was pouring hard when I got to the shore. The mist was already there, covering hills down to the beach line. Sending shiver on my neck and freeze to my feet. I met a mystical, strange and cold Wedi Ombo Beach that day.

Jogja Archive: Strangeland

Her voice is quite, but her mind is a sparkle

A troubled face under the city lights

Illuminating a touch of freedom

She opens the window, a blow of fresh air penetrates into the pores

She can feel her skin expands

As if, finally breathing again

In and out, slowly regaining consciousness

Her lips are in full bloom

The taste of bitter sweet espresso still lingers

Thou she can hardly recalls the pretty face who left it there

She remembers warmth

and his breath smells like trouble

There she is, wondering she should have stayed a bit longer

At least just to know his name

But the wind blows so strong

Sending worries all over the blood

Strangeland excites her,

like the day after storms,

full of possibilities,

full of promises

-- Going to Malioboro on Saturday night is the same with asking the karate guy at school for a duel. A hot mess.

Talking to Stranger #2

I met him on Tuesday. I made him wait for about 15 mins when he picked me up at a cafe that afternoon. I felt guilty cause I made him wait for quite sometime. But what scared me most was, he cancelled my Uber order.

But he didn't.

I was worn out after hosting a gathering at that cafe, and I expected I'd fall asleep once I hit the passenger seat. But he seemed nice even after I made him wait. He asked me how my day was and we talked about the weather. He is a big guy with a friendly smile, kind eyes and loud laugh. I forgot I was tired.

He asked me if it's okay to take a shortcut crossing a graveyard. I told him, during daylight, I fear nothing. He laughed. He told me it's nothing like ordinary graveyard. It's not scary at all. In fact, there are street food and small food stalls scatter around the graveyard. No way, there is no sane people hanging out at a graveyard, I said. 

Challenge accepted, he said.

He's no kidding. The graveyard was as lively as any other market I've ever been. I told him this was my first time passing by this area of Surabaya. He said this area used to be his home during his childhood. He loves passing by sometimes, for old times sake. He pointed a house with brown fences. "That's where I grew up. It's a good time indeed".

I think it's because the nostalgic mood, he started to tell a story about his life after. "There's this girl. A sweet one. I liked her. She liked me. We were together for 8 freakin years. 8. Freakin. Years."

They broke up after 8 years of togetherness. Her parents set her up with another guy who happened to be, well, richer than him. He was heart broken. He was lost. He was upset and hurt. It's so painful that he needed drugs to forget, even just for a while. He quited school. He got drunk a lot. He's a big unbearable mess. But mostly, he's sad for himself.

"How do you find a way back?"

"I didn't. He found me and lead me back."

At the darkest time, he found light and faith in God. He said, it's like a tsunami, so sudden, without warning, but left a big impact in his soul. The tsunami wiped out all the sorrow, giving him hopes, pushing him forward, mending his broken heart. The more he's surrender to Him, the more he felt powerful of his own self. He did everything he could to be better. He built his own company. He earned a lot from that company. Things were starting to get right.

Until he committed another sin.

He said, everything that he earned that time; the money, the respect, had blinded him again. He thought he had everything, therefore, he could do anything. He committed a sin he still regret till this very day. He wished he could turn back time.

Everything fell apart, once more. He lost what he'd been building. He lost himself again. At the hardest time in his life, it felt so easy to go back to the darkness. He knew a way to make him forget all of this hardship, even just for awhile. But he couldn't go there. He simply couldn't go back there. This time around, it felt twice painful than before. He wanted to stop. He wanted to end everything.

"I tried to kill my self. 3 times. On my last attempt, they had to run me to the emergency room. It was a mess. Everyone was sad and hurt and it made me suffer more. That's another turning point for me."

He really meant it this time. He gave his best to get back on his feet again. This time, it's not about him anymore. It's about people who love him, people who stay right beside him, even during his darkest time. He got himself a steady job. He got married. He's building his life step by step, one at the time.

"Funny is, I don't even remember her face anymore, my 8-years-long-ex-girlfriend. You can say she's starting it all, the mess I'd been into. Hahaha, kidding, but not really. Hahaha. Right now, my life feels different. I'm not as rich as I was when having my own company. But it's enough. The thought of coming home to my lovely wife and kids is one that keeps my heart warm. God is kind. I did terrible things over and over again, yet he leads me back over and over again. He sends me this lovely people, who stay, who's been my source of power the last 5 years. I don't want to ruin this one. I'm happy. My family is happy. That more than enough."

I was speechless, so I just smiled. We arrived at the office 5 mins after. I still couldn't say anything even thou I felt million things after hearing his story; touched, sad, sorrow, confused, happy. Mostly happy of his new beginning. At the end I just said, "Please, never let go of what's precious to you now. You've worked so hard to earn them back".

I remembered he smiled, his kind eyes were teary as I shut the door.

I'm glad I got a chance to cross path with him that day.

-- Pictures are from my trip to Baluran National Park. Lovely place to spend a quite weekend.

No signal, no electricity after 8 pm. Perfect.

Casting Inspirations

For the last 2 weeks I've been feeling so uninspired. I think it's because of the work load. January was bat shit crazy. And I still recovering from the "hangover". 

I feel bad for not writing for so long. This simply violated the promise I made with my self to write twice a week. But the thing is, everytime I tried to write, it stucked in my head. I had no energy to stay up late just by thinking that I'd look like zombie on the morning meeting. Hence, I neglected the writing. I guess, I should have tried harder.

Btw, I went for a trip last January but it didn't turn out to be what I expected. I'm a bit upset about that since I've been looking forward to that trip for quite a long time.  I wish I could turn back time. I wish I did more research. I wish, I wish.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I want to stop the time just so I can gather all of my energy back. Once I'm recharged, I can go full speed on all the pending tasks I've been pushing to corner. See, the problem is really clear here. I can't manage my time wisely enough to do everything I've planned. This is sad, to know that I'm not as capable as I think I am.

But this doesn't mean I'm stopping.