All Complicated

I don't even know where to start. Hmm.

So, if you read all of my posts from January 2019, all of them have been quite stressful and if I may say, depressing. 2019 is started from a rough start to an even more bumpy ride. I haven't feel at "home" at all for the pas 4 months. I feel restless, anxious, all the time, and sometimes a very big urge to cry out of nothing. Everything seems to center around my work life.

It's shameful for me to keep on nagging and complaining about this. This is the job that I want, that I fight for. I'm so lucky to get a chance to experience all of these, mostly things I used to only imagined doing but today it's my reality. "It's hard to complain from my 5 stars hotel", said Mac Miller. You don't want to come across as ungrateful, but living your dream doesn't always mean happily ever after. At least that's how I see it now.

This week I got a hard time to sleep, again. Funny cause I spend like 1.5 months to get back to normal people's sleep hour, cut back on caffeine and screen time all for a more healthy lifestyle. Then this restlessness stays longer than I expect, screwing up with my mind, poking back the insecurities that I've been trained to stay low in the depth. I truly don't expect I'll be lost this long. My mind keeps buzzing even when I try to slip on my blanket and put socks on. I can't help but keep on thinking about what is happening, how to get out from this slump, how to recenter my own being, finding comfort and peacefulness in every step I take. I think about so many possibilities arise in the future, the bad stuffs, how I'm going to survive the parting, what I want to do next. Everything is ticking inside my head, like a time bomb.

It's hard now and it's never going to be easier in the future. Go read my post from 2016 and 2017, and you'll figure how much I love this job. How I feel like fulfilling my passion every time I step in the office. How I often smile after finishing a project because it gives me satisfaction, one that I crave so much. I pour so much into this, my time, my ideas, my ego. I give it all of me, more than I can possibly afford. I treat it as my own, I put so much care cause I really want this to take off. But it's not mine, I'm not the one making decisions. I try to talk it out, try to bring some clarity back, but it seems like I'm hitting dead end. I've been waking up with this horrible feeling of wanting to get away as much as possible from this job. I don't find the joy doing what used to make me happy, and when I find some, I need to really scrap it out from the bottom of my emotions. I guess that's the thing of pursuing your passion. When it turns south, it's hard to keep up with all the emotions that rage in your chest. Everything becomes personal, cause you do invest your heart and mind on it.

Everyday, all I can think of is making mental note on how wrong things are. It's scary cause it grows into such a long list. How can the good even things out? I want to pin it on something, someone, whatever, it's just, everything is wrong wrong wrong in my eyes. Then I will force my self to fold everything and put it back on my emotional baggage, keep it there so I won't explode.

Does this have to go this way? I do feel worry.

Should I save my self or trying to be strong? 

A Delicate Conversation

I guess I'm going to give up on the idea of a stable and peaceful life. And I want to cry so bad, while typing this but I can't cause I'm sitting on a coffee shop full of families on Sunday. I want to cry cause, well, I don't want to give it up. Yet I'm in the understanding that right now is probably not the right time, not the right era, not the right phase.

I always think that my 20s is already wild. Like, it's literally high up to the seventh heaven and down below to the depth of Atlantis. I think, well, I've experienced enough to make me wiser, to make me feel enough. I think I've experience the best and the worst, and I'm ready to settle down to a more harmonious pace. But what if, it's not enough for the universe? What if, it wants you to ride a new high and dive even deeper to the sea floor? What if my version of wild experience is just a prelude for another encounter with destiny? What if, it doesn't allow me to stop, yet?

All of the source of my uneasiness and restlessness are the fact that I'm trying so hard to stabilise my life into a calm and steady river, when I'm actually on a boat sailing off to Bermuda. That's how probably 20s works: never. settle. down. Which is fine by me, I guess. I know I love a good challenge. It's just, sometimes it's hard to go against the flow all the time. It's hard to stood strong when all you want is being a fallen leaves on Fall, just like the others. Is this the reality of my overly romanticising dream? Is choosing what I'm choosing mean I'm not allowed to slack off like everyone else? Or life is simply an intellectual with its own agenda? Is it on my side or a challenger? Will there be a winner out of this?

Come to think of it, I don't think it's a bad thing, truthfully. I mostly disappointed to myself, cause I thought I got it all and voila, I'm here wanting to cry over the hardship I'm struggling right now. I do want to be consoled, to be cheered, to be advised, to be comforted. I feel so alone in this, like everybody else is moving forward to a next level, and I'm still figuring things out. I feel so alone, cause every time I try to talk it out, my friends compare my problem to theirs. I don't think that's fair, cause it's not to be compared in the first place. But I can't blame them, it's probably not the right time to spill my story. Then who can I turn to?

I remember one Carrie's quote that I've posted to this blog,"Why can we be happy for everything that we already have now? Why do we have to concentrate on what we don't have?". I wish I can shout it out to the whole world, so people can take a break for a moment, cherish each other company without comparing or tearing each other on who the most distressed damsel. And I also wish people come to a realisation that SATC is more than sex and broken hearted girls, but simply a guidance to a more understanding life hahaha.

Right now I'm busy thinking on how I'm gonna roll with this new found believe. I give up on one of my goal, but I can't just let it die. Probably I can revisit the idea when I reach 40, when life is getting bored playing with me. Or I probably need to be a little more patience and wait till I reach 50, when my body is no longer keep up with my mind and sight is a beautiful bokeh with a lot of color but never focus on any point. I need a plan for now, and I'm not gonna like most of the possibilities.

I know deep down, there's always one thing I can do, pushing forward no matter how painful it will be. That's always the plan I know by heart.

Strike One

It's funny when I thought the harder things come to you, the stronger you become. Well, it's not exactly like that for me. I've experienced being underestimated, getting shit thrown onto my face, accused of doing something I didn't do and getting played around so they could benefit from me. All of those, yet up to this day, I still get shock every time it happens all over again to me. Hmm. I thought, I've gone numb, no?

I still get upset, then doubting my self over the fact that bad things happen because I'm not good enough, feeling frustrated on how to fix things up, feeling sad cause I might upsetting my superior, falling down so low to a very dark corner of my mind and scared of going out again in the light for the thought I might screw things up all over again. Sometimes I think my mind won't be able to handle it anymore. The fall is always deep and depressing. I feel like I'm standing on the edge several time and the only thing preventing me from going mad is the thought of these horrible things, these horrible feelings, shall pass eventually. I will be fine again. I will finally feel sick of being miserable and weak, thinking that tragedy is not my destiny. My messy mind will be organised once more and I can carry on until the next storm hits me in the future. I wonder how long I can proceed like that, hmm?

I'm gonna be smarter from now on. I need to be even better at managing my own feelings so I can minimise the mental damage. And I need to learn how to survive alone, just in case I really can't stand the storm, I can jump from the ship and swim to the nearest dry land. That's not a favorite option but a girl gotta take care of herself cause no one does it for her.

You know, I really hope I'm not loosing my way here. Just because things are not being friendly with me, doesn't mean I have to pull the gun out. But I do feel the need of being prepared for the worst. A precautions, a way for my mind to feel save again, a way for me to hold on the good side. This chapter of life won't be like no others.