Tuesday, February 05, 2019

Strike One

It's funny when I thought the harder things come to you, the stronger you become. Well, it's not exactly like that for me. I've experienced being underestimated, getting shit thrown onto my face, accused of doing something I didn't do and getting played around so they could benefit from me. All of those, yet up to this day, I still get shock every time it happens all over again to me. Hmm. I thought, I've gone numb, no?

I still get upset, then doubting my self over the fact that bad things happen because I'm not good enough, feeling frustrated on how to fix things up, feeling sad cause I might upsetting my superior, falling down so low to a very dark corner of my mind and scared of going out again in the light for the thought I might screw things up all over again. Sometimes I think my mind won't be able to handle it anymore. The fall is always deep and depressing. I feel like I'm standing on the edge several time and the only thing preventing me from going mad is the thought of these horrible things, these horrible feelings, shall pass eventually. I will be fine again. I will finally feel sick of being miserable and weak, thinking that tragedy is not my destiny. My messy mind will be organised once more and I can carry on until the next storm hits me in the future. I wonder how long I can proceed like that, hmm?

I'm gonna be smarter from now on. I need to be even better at managing my own feelings so I can minimise the mental damage. And I need to learn how to survive alone, just in case I really can't stand the storm, I can jump from the ship and swim to the nearest dry land. That's not a favorite option but a girl gotta take care of herself cause no one does it for her.

You know, I really hope I'm not loosing my way here. Just because things are not being friendly with me, doesn't mean I have to pull the gun out. But I do feel the need of being prepared for the worst. A precautions, a way for my mind to feel save again, a way for me to hold on the good side. This chapter of life won't be like no others.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

A Mission (Im)Possible

Every year I grow more and more faith about coming home to Ubud. Yes, it's a home, a place so dear in someone's heart that you keep longing on coming back. It officially steals my heart and I have a hard time to accept that it will be sometime before I actually move in to the hut. I always come to Ubud with a million of things to resolve in my head. I remember the first time I came, I filled my luggage with pieces of my broken heart. Last week marked my 6th visit to the lovely town and I came with a mission: to find love.


As soon as I wrote that down I realised how cringy it was. But that's how I felt. Well, it's not that I abruptly decided that. I've been thinking high and low and I thought, well, Ubud is always like a lover to me, could I actually find a real one? Or it's probably because the Venus Retrograde that my head kind of making up things, I wasn't sure. But that's how I felt. I wanted to find, or at least encountered, a possibility of romantic relationship.

The thought was driving me a lil bit crazy. I shopped, so I had something chic to wear at Ubud. I masked, cause I wanted my skin to look as amazing as possible. I did a lot of things that I wasn't used to do, all because, I wanted to find love. I have to be honest that I felt silly at first, I felt, embarrassed, cause I put so much effort for this. And I have to also state that I'm all about cool and effortless kind of person so this finding love conquest was surely, terribly, contradicting with me, not to mention how meticulously prepared I was to so many possibility.

But that's how I felt. For the first time in a very long time, I felt that I needed to do this for myself.

I actually worried that I put too much pressure on this trip. I meant, realistically speaking, it's not possible to do thing as complicated as love only in 7 days. Also, I really wanted to get relax and chill at Ubud, to recharge my energy before going back to the city. How on earth did I plan to do this, really? I couldn't explain how my mind work sometimes. It's as if going against a whole different person but it's actually you, your head, your mind. I did it anyway. I was sticking to the love plan and packed all of my brand-new-with-tag clothes to embrace the hopefully amazing journey at Ubud.

To my surprise, it's going pretty well. I didn't take a guy home with me but all of the moments leading me to a brand new perspective and understanding. I did push myself to talk to new person everyday, not just to someone I might romantically interest but also to a lot of amazing individuals I met during UWRF. I even initiated a convo with a girl after she performed her poem on a open mic event. I congratulated her and told her she's amazing. I hugged her for being amazing on stage. And she hugged me back thanking me for coming to the event. Wow. That's amazing, at least for me. That's not what I use to do. There were many more moments like that, moment that I pushed myself so hard to do something I wasn't comfortable to, in a good way. At the end, I felt so so happy cause I gained many new friends and involved in so many interesting conversation. Oh and about finding love, well, a guy asked me out to dinner. Even though it's not really happening cause he got an emergency with one of the writer he liaised. But someone asked me out! Ha! And he seemed like a very good guy too, not the kind that fooled you cause he bet on you with his friends. He's not. So I guessed I wasn't really curse at dating hahaha.

It's all starting with a simple idea of finding love and turning out to be a relaxing and adventurous trip with many new names on my phone book. You know, having courage to put yourself out there facing the world is both scary and exciting. Now, I can say that it's leaning more to the exciting part. And I'm not giving up yet on the quest of finding love, even thou I'm back at the city now. There's always be next journey, next opportunity. But to be able to say it out loud (or write it down, in this case) is such a relieving act. I feel like another door is opening for me. Finger crossed it will lead me to wonderful place.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Climb

Miley Cyrus is right, there will always be another mountain to conquer. It's hard at first, then for sometimes it's gonna be super hard to the point that I want to break down in tears, curse the world and just walk away. Then I will stop, trying to find some steady ground and assesing my options, calculating the risk and finally asking my own self, if this really what I want, reconfirming my faith in the path I've choosen. Why, it's so complicated. I keep on wondering whether all the most successful people face this kind of problematic in their journey. Or do they always know what to do, what to choose? Do they, deep down inside, never doubt about theirselves? Don't they get tired playing riddle?

I always know I'm not a quitter if I've set my eyes on something I want to achieve. It's just, constantly being on the edge drives me kinda mad. Being exposed to the possibility that all the miles I pass before may be for nothing but somebody else's bathroom joke keeps me awake lately. Why do I seem to be the only one take this so so seriously?

The higher I climb, the harder it is to breath and the lonelier I feel inside. I feel like puking anger and sorrow but then shallow my grateful pill just because I don't want to get sick. I hope there will be a great view from the top of the mountain cause I can use a lil bit of smile to relax my face muscle. I hope I have enough patience to overcome all the highs and the lows. I hope I'm wearing my best hiking boots cause it looks like a pretty long journey to the top.