Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Conflicted




The most asked question I addressed to myself for the past 3 months: How do things become this way?

I do feel lost. It's like forgetting how you get tangled in some mess. Then I will trace things down, chronologically. I will look deeper on the reason and the reaction. Does it make me understand my feelings more? Yes and no. Guess at this point, I really can't differ the good and the bad. Everything is a great storm of personal feelings. I watched a Korean Drama last night, one of the character said that the only creature couldn't differ good or bad are humans. Heavenly creatures, on the other hand, wouldn't have the same issue. So we are basically doomed from the start haha.

It's funny thou. If there's anything I am so sure of, this life we live in is more like a comedy night rather than a spiritual journey. Things always change, for the better or worse. People always change, kinder or greedier. Holding on to your faith is so very hard, even though we've been through hell's fire and crocodile pit to reach that high. You can be swayed. Or at least, I can be. I don't know things anymore, that's what I keep whispering to my self.

Last month, I decided to find my self a therapist. I felt like I need one. So bad. I couldn't control my emotions anymore cause the peak and bottom messing me a lot. I feel miserable inside, while putting a good front outside. That made everything twice harder by the way. But I knew I couldn't say anything to anyone, yet. I took my time. But finding a therapist was no easy job. First, the scheduling. Second, the fee. Third, I was trying to find someone that was out of my circles. I haven't found one up till now. And I keep relapsing to this hollow feeling. I wonder will I ever truly be okay again hmm.

On a more positive note, I went to an unplanned trip last week. Alone. I didn't expect it gave me a refreshing air, in the midst of the unstable mental situation I'm in. It felt good to sleep alone, picked my guilty pleasure for dinner and skipped bath. It felt good to have space to rearrange stuffs in my head. It felt good to wake up not by the noise of alarm and the first thought was "I'm truly happy I'm alive". I was so grateful that I was about to cry. I didn't thought I need it a lot. I guess, I was saved by god, one way or another? I did feel he's close by.

I'm walking on a thin thread here. I know the ones that keep me from falling are my friends and family. That's why I try to talk to them as much as possible, as much as I feel comfortable discussing about. I feel extremely grateful that now I have a solid support system, one that I believe has stronger bonds, so I can rely more on others rather than piling everything on my shoulder.

I believe, this is my strenght now :)




Saturday, April 20, 2019

All Complicated



I don't even know where to start. Hmm.

So, if you read all of my posts from January 2019, all of them have been quite stressful and if I may say, depressing. 2019 is started from a rough start to an even more bumpy ride. I haven't feel at "home" at all for the pas 4 months. I feel restless, anxious, all the time, and sometimes a very big urge to cry out of nothing. Everything seems to center around my work life.

It's shameful for me to keep on nagging and complaining about this. This is the job that I want, that I fight for. I'm so lucky to get a chance to experience all of these, mostly things I used to only imagined doing but today it's my reality. "It's hard to complain from my 5 stars hotel", said Mac Miller. You don't want to come across as ungrateful, but living your dream doesn't always mean happily ever after. At least that's how I see it now.

This week I got a hard time to sleep, again. Funny cause I spend like 1.5 months to get back to normal people's sleep hour, cut back on caffeine and screen time all for a more healthy lifestyle. Then this restlessness stays longer than I expect, screwing up with my mind, poking back the insecurities that I've been trained to stay low in the depth. I truly don't expect I'll be lost this long. My mind keeps buzzing even when I try to slip on my blanket and put socks on. I can't help but keep on thinking about what is happening, how to get out from this slump, how to recenter my own being, finding comfort and peacefulness in every step I take. I think about so many possibilities arise in the future, the bad stuffs, how I'm going to survive the parting, what I want to do next. Everything is ticking inside my head, like a time bomb.

It's hard now and it's never going to be easier in the future. Go read my post from 2016 and 2017, and you'll figure how much I love this job. How I feel like fulfilling my passion every time I step in the office. How I often smile after finishing a project because it gives me satisfaction, one that I crave so much. I pour so much into this, my time, my ideas, my ego. I give it all of me, more than I can possibly afford. I treat it as my own, I put so much care cause I really want this to take off. But it's not mine, I'm not the one making decisions. I try to talk it out, try to bring some clarity back, but it seems like I'm hitting dead end. I've been waking up with this horrible feeling of wanting to get away as much as possible from this job. I don't find the joy doing what used to make me happy, and when I find some, I need to really scrap it out from the bottom of my emotions. I guess that's the thing of pursuing your passion. When it turns south, it's hard to keep up with all the emotions that rage in your chest. Everything becomes personal, cause you do invest your heart and mind on it.

Everyday, all I can think of is making mental note on how wrong things are. It's scary cause it grows into such a long list. How can the good even things out? I want to pin it on something, someone, whatever, it's just, everything is wrong wrong wrong in my eyes. Then I will force my self to fold everything and put it back on my emotional baggage, keep it there so I won't explode.

Does this have to go this way? I do feel worry.
Should I save my self or trying to be strong? 


Sunday, March 10, 2019

A Delicate Conversation



I guess I'm going to give up on the idea of a stable and peaceful life. And I want to cry so bad, while typing this but I can't cause I'm sitting on a coffee shop full of families on Sunday. I want to cry cause, well, I don't want to give it up. Yet I'm in the understanding that right now is probably not the right time, not the right era, not the right phase.

I always think that my 20s is already wild. Like, it's literally high up to the seventh heaven and down below to the depth of Atlantis. I think, well, I've experienced enough to make me wiser, to make me feel enough. I think I've experience the best and the worst, and I'm ready to settle down to a more harmonious pace. But what if, it's not enough for the universe? What if, it wants you to ride a new high and dive even deeper to the sea floor? What if my version of wild experience is just a prelude for another encounter with destiny? What if, it doesn't allow me to stop, yet?

All of the source of my uneasiness and restlessness are the fact that I'm trying so hard to stabilise my life into a calm and steady river, when I'm actually on a boat sailing off to Bermuda. That's how probably 20s works: never. settle. down. Which is fine by me, I guess. I know I love a good challenge. It's just, sometimes it's hard to go against the flow all the time. It's hard to stood strong when all you want is being a fallen leaves on Fall, just like the others. Is this the reality of my overly romanticising dream? Is choosing what I'm choosing mean I'm not allowed to slack off like everyone else? Or life is simply an intellectual with its own agenda? Is it on my side or a challenger? Will there be a winner out of this?

Come to think of it, I don't think it's a bad thing, truthfully. I mostly disappointed to myself, cause I thought I got it all and voila, I'm here wanting to cry over the hardship I'm struggling right now. I do want to be consoled, to be cheered, to be advised, to be comforted. I feel so alone in this, like everybody else is moving forward to a next level, and I'm still figuring things out. I feel so alone, cause every time I try to talk it out, my friends compare my problem to theirs. I don't think that's fair, cause it's not to be compared in the first place. But I can't blame them, it's probably not the right time to spill my story. Then who can I turn to?

I remember one Carrie's quote that I've posted to this blog,"Why can we be happy for everything that we already have now? Why do we have to concentrate on what we don't have?". I wish I can shout it out to the whole world, so people can take a break for a moment, cherish each other company without comparing or tearing each other on who the most distressed damsel. And I also wish people come to a realisation that SATC is more than sex and broken hearted girls, but simply a guidance to a more understanding life hahaha.

Right now I'm busy thinking on how I'm gonna roll with this new found believe. I give up on one of my goal, but I can't just let it die. Probably I can revisit the idea when I reach 40, when life is getting bored playing with me. Or I probably need to be a little more patience and wait till I reach 50, when my body is no longer keep up with my mind and sight is a beautiful bokeh with a lot of color but never focus on any point. I need a plan for now, and I'm not gonna like most of the possibilities.

I know deep down, there's always one thing I can do, pushing forward no matter how painful it will be. That's always the plan I know by heart.