Saturday, November 10, 2018

A Mission (Im)Possible

Every year I grow more and more faith about coming home to Ubud. Yes, it's a home, a place so dear in someone's heart that you keep longing on coming back. It officially steals my heart and I have a hard time to accept that it will be sometime before I actually move in to the hut. I always come to Ubud with a million of things to resolve in my head. I remember the first time I came, I filled my luggage with pieces of my broken heart. Last week marked my 6th visit to the lovely town and I came with a mission: to find love.


As soon as I wrote that down I realised how cringy it was. But that's how I felt. Well, it's not that I abruptly decided that. I've been thinking high and low and I thought, well, Ubud is always like a lover to me, could I actually find a real one? Or it's probably because the Venus Retrograde that my head kind of making up things, I wasn't sure. But that's how I felt. I wanted to find, or at least encountered, a possibility of romantic relationship.

The thought was driving me a lil bit crazy. I shopped, so I had something chic to wear at Ubud. I masked, cause I wanted my skin to look as amazing as possible. I did a lot of things that I wasn't used to do, all because, I wanted to find love. I have to be honest that I felt silly at first, I felt, embarrassed, cause I put so much effort for this. And I have to also state that I'm all about cool and effortless kind of person so this finding love conquest was surely, terribly, contradicting with me, not to mention how meticulously prepared I was to so many possibility.

But that's how I felt. For the first time in a very long time, I felt that I needed to do this for myself.

I actually worried that I put too much pressure on this trip. I meant, realistically speaking, it's not possible to do thing as complicated as love only in 7 days. Also, I really wanted to get relax and chill at Ubud, to recharge my energy before going back to the city. How on earth did I plan to do this, really? I couldn't explain how my mind work sometimes. It's as if going against a whole different person but it's actually you, your head, your mind. I did it anyway. I was sticking to the love plan and packed all of my brand-new-with-tag clothes to embrace the hopefully amazing journey at Ubud.

To my surprise, it's going pretty well. I didn't take a guy home with me but all of the moments leading me to a brand new perspective and understanding. I did push myself to talk to new person everyday, not just to someone I might romantically interest but also to a lot of amazing individuals I met during UWRF. I even initiated a convo with a girl after she performed her poem on a open mic event. I congratulated her and told her she's amazing. I hugged her for being amazing on stage. And she hugged me back thanking me for coming to the event. Wow. That's amazing, at least for me. That's not what I use to do. There were many more moments like that, moment that I pushed myself so hard to do something I wasn't comfortable to, in a good way. At the end, I felt so so happy cause I gained many new friends and involved in so many interesting conversation. Oh and about finding love, well, a guy asked me out to dinner. Even though it's not really happening cause he got an emergency with one of the writer he liaised. But someone asked me out! Ha! And he seemed like a very good guy too, not the kind that fooled you cause he bet on you with his friends. He's not. So I guessed I wasn't really curse at dating hahaha.

It's all starting with a simple idea of finding love and turning out to be a relaxing and adventurous trip with many new names on my phone book. You know, having courage to put yourself out there facing the world is both scary and exciting. Now, I can say that it's leaning more to the exciting part. And I'm not giving up yet on the quest of finding love, even thou I'm back at the city now. There's always be next journey, next opportunity. But to be able to say it out loud (or write it down, in this case) is such a relieving act. I feel like another door is opening for me. Finger crossed it will lead me to wonderful place.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Climb

Miley Cyrus is right, there will always be another mountain to conquer. It's hard at first, then for sometimes it's gonna be super hard to the point that I want to break down in tears, curse the world and just walk away. Then I will stop, trying to find some steady ground and assesing my options, calculating the risk and finally asking my own self, if this really what I want, reconfirming my faith in the path I've choosen. Why, it's so complicated. I keep on wondering whether all the most successful people face this kind of problematic in their journey. Or do they always know what to do, what to choose? Do they, deep down inside, never doubt about theirselves? Don't they get tired playing riddle?

I always know I'm not a quitter if I've set my eyes on something I want to achieve. It's just, constantly being on the edge drives me kinda mad. Being exposed to the possibility that all the miles I pass before may be for nothing but somebody else's bathroom joke keeps me awake lately. Why do I seem to be the only one take this so so seriously?

The higher I climb, the harder it is to breath and the lonelier I feel inside. I feel like puking anger and sorrow but then shallow my grateful pill just because I don't want to get sick. I hope there will be a great view from the top of the mountain cause I can use a lil bit of smile to relax my face muscle. I hope I have enough patience to overcome all the highs and the lows. I hope I'm wearing my best hiking boots cause it looks like a pretty long journey to the top.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Eyes to Eyes, Cheeck to Cheeck

Have you ever look into someone's eyes so deep you get carried away? That someone is a familiar face, a person who's always by yourside. That person always around, playing, laughing even listening to your every sad story.

That day was different. It's the longest we'd ever been gone not meeting each other. What's going on? A lot, yet nothing at all. It was felt like a pause, a moment we were away from each other's life to be part of somebody else days. I honestly terrified. What if you got really comfortable not seeing me? What if, it's actually so easy to replace my presence in your days? What if, it's okay for you not to have me around anymore? It'a a long and upseting month for me, talking about my mental state. And I kept guessing why didn't you call me already, that led me into another pool of imagination and broken heart. I didn't want to find out, those possibilities I mentioned were actually happening.

So I called, on one hot day in October, when I couldn't think of anything but loosing you. I called, cause I'll be leaving town for a while. I guess, when I come back from this trip later, I can come home to your accompany. And you were fine there, across the wire. You laughed, you made joke. You were there as if nothing happened. I wasn't satisfied, yet. So I asked you out for lunch. That's when I realize that precious thing is fragile. It takes one move to tear down what I have built with you over the past 8 years. I have to say that seeing you after quite a while was like meeting someone for the first time again. I was nervous. I hoped I didn't screw up, that's what I thought. Then again, you were your usual self: laid back, casual, hungry. Did I imagine things? I didn't think so. I knew there's something, I just felt like you probably brushed it off your mind, that's just how you rolled. While here I was, on the other side of the pole, the usual emotional wrecking ball. I'm basically breathing feelings, that's how I roll.

There's probably only one thing I wanted to make sure on that meeting. I wanted to look in your eyes and saw it for myself that we're okay. So I did. I forgot how dimentional it was to look long and deep into somebody's eyes. I forgot that it's a journey, like diving into the ocean, while wondering whether your own eyes playing tricks on you. We were fine, really. Or at least that's how I felt when we met again. I felt extremely relieved. Finally, I could breath air. You were wondering whether I was initiating a staring competition, but I laughed it off. I didn't want to sweat it anymore. It's enough for now.

Later that night I was still thinking about that meeting. How desperate I was for a certainty that I didn't want to set my eyes off you. I was looking for honest answer inside. I also realized that I might take you for granted, that when you're away, I got frustated over what I did wrong so you ditched me for the whole month. But I think, of all the thoughts scatter in my mind and feelings break in like a wave in my chest, all of this look in to your eyes business was just a crying for help. I don't want to loose you in my life, it's too terrifying. I think, it's a way to help myself feeling alright again, it's probably has exactly nothing to do with you.

Well, I'm glad that we made up. That's the whole point of this rambling haha.