I've never felt more like an adult right now. Before, I saw my self as a girl who desperately hold on to innocence, while navigating her appearence as a young adult. It's a double life kinda thing hahaha. But this minute, this day, this moment, I feel like I'm officially an adult.
I stop fighting the reality, in a way that denying this life is not the one I choose to live in. I realise I tend to swiftly shift the blame to the society: my family, my friends, my environtment, those failed romances. I always find a rational reason to think that whatever I do, it's chain reaction to their action toward me. I always think I'm on the victim's end, which is true at some point but now it's just not the case anymore. Right now, I myself refuse to be in that position.
Every single year, I pray for the same thing: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. I'm so fixed to make as fast progress as possible, leaving no room for a set back or failure. Leaving no room for my mind to process my growth. I just want to arrive at my destination as soon as possible. So when I crashed and burnt back on December last year, I was grey ashes blown by the wind. I lost my way, my purpose and my energy. I was completely an empty shell.
All the confusion I experience in the past 4 months has brought me here. A total awareness of how I have full control my own story. I feel like right now, it's crystal clear to me that I own the power to break down and pick myself up again, with or without people's approval. I finally understand that validation is overated, respect is not the currency and acceptance is for you to give to yourself, not from others. I make peace with uncertainty and decide to build my day on a yoga mat and smile.
In the last 4 months, I've been learning how to start accepting disappoinment in my life. I want to understand that it happens for a reason or two. I want to be able to feel upset and sad, accepting it as a feeling, not unchangable facts. I want to be comfortable feeling that way and I don't have to beat the shit out of anyone, not even myself. Then, when I'm done grieving, I'll let go. I'll let go to empty some space, so the new journey can come in and reside with me. This cycle will rotate for the rest of my life. And I'm fine with it. Finally.
It's funny how my own good intention trapped me in a tiny box. I forgot that if a door closed, there would be other doors I could try to open. I just needed to step back to see the bigger picture. I still pray the same thing this year: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. But this time, I accept whatever coming my way, the good and the bad. I'll keep the joy and take my time to let go the sadness.
This realisation unlocks a brand new chapter for me. Being adult is not bad so far.
