Carrie On Monday: Am I Enough?

pic from pinterest.com

This post will be different with the rest Carrie on Monday cause I'm so so good in this. When we talk about single gal life, I may be the one you want to talk to.

Let's start from the bad side. Last week my very very good friend just got married and I was one of the bridesmaids. As happy as I was welcoming the day, I kind of annoyed with the endless stream of "so, when is yours?" during the party. Well first of all, I wish I knew when my time would come. I wish I could cheat on God to peek on my own future. 

I was also meeting a lot of my old friends at the party. I ended up hanging out with 2 of my junior high besties after the party cause it's been too long since we hung out together. We spent the whole day chatting and eating and laughing and gossipping. I remember one of my them told me about her recent trip to Borneo. She told me that she met a lot of lovey dovey couple at the plane she felt the heat burning her from deep within hahaha. Then one couple catched up her attention. She realised that was a rude thought but she couldn't help but thinking that she was prettier and slimmer than the girl. But why she couldn't get a boyfriend of her own?

My first reaction was laughing. So hard. I wasn't not sure if I thought that's a pathetic statement or I thought it's a ridiculous idea to begin with. But after a while, I realised that me too sometimes had that kind of thought slipped on my mind for a second. And I realised it's completely okay to wonder about that. It's not pathetic or ridiculous because we simply don't understand (and we want to, so badly). This is a part when I get reminded over and over again that every living person has different way of doing things hence, different outcome in life. In this case, love life.

What surprised me more was the answer I was giving to her. I said, "At this stage, I understand that look attracts people. But attitude and personality are ones that keep him stay. She maybe not the most  good looking person but he stays eventually. Why? It's something we, as the outsiders, can't see with our bare eyes. But it's crystal clear for him."

When did I become so smart mouth about this? Haha. I didn't see my self coming with that kind of talk. I guess, that understanding has hidden deep in my subconscious. A friend happened to ask a question and I had the answer all the time.

I'm still in the running of practising my patience untill I find the prince charming cause I'm not really sure what else to do. Lol.

xxx

Parting Ways

Today is the day that one of my best friend moving out from Surabaya. I feel like today, I'm loosing a part of home. As I write this down, she's boarding to one way flight to a new home with her husband, starting a new chapter of her life. I'm sad.

I know clearly the next couple of weeks will be pretty hard for me, since we used to hang out every weekend. She's been the one I trust most, the one that shows me what a true friendship is. And being friend with her makes me realise that it's okay not to appear perfect. It's okay if I am who I am and nothing less.

I feel really happy for her that she finally united with the man of her choice. I feel happy that she's opening an exciting page of her story, one that she will share with him. I wish no matter how far we are apart, we have no doubt that we still got each other's back.

Until next time, Cha. 

Carrie On Monday: Hollow Heart

It's been a while since the last Carrie on Monday I posted and I have my heart to blame. I just feel really hollow lately, so uninspired when it come to romance. I think it's mostly because the last encounter with romance turned straight down to ashes, I was left with a big chunk of hole in term of trusting people, yet again.

I always have a big issue with trust but I know I've been progressing to a better place for the last couple of years. I've been working so hard to be more open but, well, sometimes people enter your life and kind of mess things you've built just because they're bored with their life. Thank you and please f off my life, let's not meet again.

Everyday I wonder if I ever really trust a person to the extend of sharing a bed and being completely naked about my thoughts and feeling. I wish my love life as easy as every chick flick I read during my junior high. Haha. I sometimes curse my self for being this rigid and fragile and a bit clueless about this field, considering how much time I spend watching period drama and Sex and The City. I should have known better. But really, you know nothing until it happens to you. I feel you Jon Snow.

So I guess I'll be practising my patience more and watch many K-Drama for a whole new level of unrealistic romance vision.

xxx

Heat Wave

Rachel reads my mind and visualised a perfffff summer style (and what to do in between those sunny days).

I'm looking forward for a summer getaway. I've been keeping my eyes for several music fest just because that's summer appropriate and I finally have a reason to dance like crazy in public. Haha. I think I just need to wrap July nicely then I'll be good to jet off pretty much everywhere my heart desires.

Excited!

If I'm Lucky Enough...

I always think about the worst to come. 

Everytime I feel like I'm facing a change, I imagine the worst outcome first, followed by another 5-10 possibilities that may happen. But the worst always comes first, as if I'm anticipating my self when thing turns ugly. I'll make sure I understand what the consequence of failing first above everything else. Is it what people call 'being hard on your self'? All I know is I'm being careful and realistic.

I guess I am being hard on my self, because I often feel tired at the end of the day. Someday, I wish I don't have to wake up from my sleep. It's easier to control everything on Dreamland. And I don't have to be so.....up tight? Haha. I used to be more carefree back on high school. But that's different era back then. It's a lil bit unfair to compare this stage and the previous level of growing up. Things change, or I prefer to call it a transformation instead. And all of my writing here is an evidence of transformation.

I re-read this blog too often. I love reading how I felt, how I got confused, how silly I was when a boy broke my heart, as if my world ended right at that moment. I love to get reminded over and over again by reading my past experience. That's probably why I always think about the worst first. I always get prepared so I won't experience sour reality for the second time around. I'm putting a preventive procedure for my own self, my own mind, my own heart cause I understand how fragile someone can be.

You know my friend, not all decision I made were based on accurate calculation. Sometimes, I simply go with my guts. Sometimes, your heart knows what should you do, even though you don't get the reason why. Sometimes, you have a very urge feeling of doing something you haven't fully understand. When that moment comes, the best I can do is giving my best effort, minimising failure and error. I'll stop listen to my rational mind, I break my own SOP, I just need to go with the flow and try not to get killed.

Here I'm today. Still very much alive, walking a path I paved my own. Whenever I look back, I'm smiling wide, no regret is allowed today, or tomorrow. I'm lucky I listen to my self and dig that courage out of the quicksand. I don't know if I can be so grateful for something that is happening to me, I don't know if I can be this happy.

Funny is, when a dream is still a dream, you can't wait until you reach it. And when it becomes a reality, you can't stop pinching your cheeks. Just because.

As Good As New

This is a note I wrote when I was on a bus, going home from Solo. I spent Raya Holiday there with my family and relatives. I lost this note when I arrived at home and it took me 2 goddam weeks to find it back at the draft folder of my email. Talk about stupidity. HAHA.

***

I spent the past 7 days road tripping with the whole family. My dad insisted that we spent the holiday together, he even let me pick where to go during the trip. Wow. That's what I've been waiting for. So, I decided to go to several places within 7 days: some were around Jogjakarta and some were around Solo-Surakarta. Both cities located not very far from each other which was perfect for road trip. But visiting those 2 cities during Raya Holiday is known as a suicidal mission: it's always packed with million of local tourists. Everywhere you lay your eyes on, there will be sea of human.

Apart from the crowd, going on a trip with your family has it's own challenge. Well, the problems were mostly because we had our own plans on where to go or where to eat. We argued and fought a lot during the trip. I know from the beginning that uniting 5 grown ups is no easy task. But somehow, at the end, we still had pretty much fun. I'm glad things were not falling apart ugly. Haha. I learnt a lot about being patience and holding my self back when it's needed. And I guess I'm not the only one learning things. Coming home, I feel like we communicate better as a family, which is a good thing, considering there's a big chance for us to grow apart from each other when you grow up.

But I'm not ready for the next family trip hahaha. One at the time, okay?

Wondering Mind

I've been moving slow, as if, my mind is still in vacation mode. But my body, it is ready to once again hit the start button. I'm in a very weird state, I guess. I don't think I need more day off. I'm recharged from the recent long vacation. I feel, enough.

Maybe, feeling enough is what makes me in this limbo.

Once the busy hours kick in again, I'll be waking up from this sleep-with-eyes-open state.

This kind of mood reminds me of a fictional character from a book I recently read. It's a lovely lovely book. I actually had read it once when it was still a blog series at Alanda Kariza's blog, if I'm not mistaken. I think I was in high school, blogwalking on my free time when I stumbled into the blog series. 

I immediately fell for the concept of the story. Alanda and her co-writter, Kevin Aditya, represented 2 main characters of the story, the girl and the boy. They wrote an episode of the series once a week, taking turns to tell the story from both side of the characters. But they didn't tell each other what would they write. They wrote following the flow of the previous episode.

I really get captivated by how complex one's thoughts as represented by the writers. It's a love story with a whole new presentation. It's almost too real: the struggles, the confusion, the contradiction, the constant battle we have with our inner self. Now that it's on print, I can leisurely re-read it over and over again, finding new meanings every time I read it. Go check out Beats Apart or you can purchase a copy here or here. I think it's perfect to read on the train where you head for your next great adventure or a slow Sunday morning with no plan but staying on bed as long as your Mom possibly allow ;)

Life Lately

As much as I love being out on adventure, it always feels good to be back in town and drown in the high speed daily routine.

It feels good to be busy.
It feels good to be so caught up in a project.
It feels good to be buried under paper works on my desk.

Then once in a while, you go out to get lost again.
To stretch, to slow down, to breath, to live.

And coming back home anew.

BASIC

" A lady always knows her place. "

Happy Monday all :D