I cried this afternoon. The days had been bleak, the sky dipped in greysicle. I was talking to God in the darken room. I was, feeling tired.
It's started with going through my list of regrets, things I wish to change. Yep, I regret a lot of things. It's fine. Contrary to my previous belief, I can live with regrets, as long as I'm brave enough to admit them. They weight my heart, yes. And for some reasons, they've been a guidance for me walking through this life. My parents, they are a great provider, not so much of care takers. So then these regrets become ones. I cannot help but thinking I'm a person with holes, lacking of fundamentals. So then these regrets fill me one by one.
I'm now old enough to accept that not everything I wish for is the best things for me. I, also, accept that what I need is not the best of everything. I need enough, being content in who I am in the past, present and future time. Having said that, there lies inside of me, the wonder. The one thing that I'm pretty sure has pushed me so far in this adventure. It's always started off with a curious thought, "I wonder if..." and the next thing is me jumping on an open door, exciting to continue the sentence with my own experience.
And I think God never grant my wishes. There goes His plan, letting me running around, sprinkles glitter in the idea of The Great Great Tale of Myself. I know now, the ending is up to me, which doesn't necessarily fit to my personal liking.
There is this conflict within myself, this itch that I can still go further, grander, better. This itch that fuels me wandering like a ghost, empty, lifeless, with no particular goal but fulfilling the thirsty curiosity of mine. This afternoon, I felt tired of it all. I said to the ceiling, fuck it all. I cared, but I want to unlearn being that way. I want to step down the ride.
And I think God might grand my wish.
