Iam Sorry

There is moment I feel not pretty. Like, every single thing in me or about me is not interesting enough. I feel small and scared. There are some points where I feel helpless. Times when I feel like there is no way out of this mess. Time when all I want is being miserable little shit and cry my heart out. I want to be pittied and sorried, for life hasnt been going the way I want.

There are times when I hate myself the most, for having all of those feelings.

For The Night is Long and Full of Terrors

Lately I've been having mix feelings about my 'new life'. Maybe this is the phase of adapting because a lot of things have been changing. I dont know, whether they change for the better or the worse. But looking at how I feel right now, I cant help but thinking that probably the ship is going down.

Is it me who is not ready for the change?

Or is it people around me that dont want any change?

I've never felt so difficult to be around my family before. Right now all I want to do is just running away, far far away and never looking back again. Iam struggling to comunicate with them as if they are aliens, not people who share blood with me. Iam suffocated by the fact that they want the old me. Is there such a thing in the first place? An old me? A new me? Can I really transform into a whole new personality only after a month?

I wish I can read people's mind cause it will be a very good use in this situation. Iam tired guessing what they truly want from me. And Iam tired of never becoming what they want. It's been prety hard for me that I cant apply for my dream job. I just want people to be supportive so I can keep going with head held high. Now what's left is doubt and dissapointment, for loosing almost everything I hold dear in my heart, my dream and people I call home. The battle is hard and long. I dont know how long will I hold up before bursting into bubbles of anger and sorrow.

It's just a pity that what I think can be forever turn into a tsunami of needles in my chest.

Look What I've Found

So here is what I learnt during my first 30 days of working at a Prestigious Public Corporate:

1. Iam mastering the art of sleeping everywhere including at the powder room, in the middle of a meeting and while you munch your lunch.

2. Human(s) are messed up. No. Their MIND are MESSED UP.

3. Messed up minds are contagious.

4. Not everyone understand what kindness means.

5. Time is precious when you realize that you are spending it doing something you dont really love.

I know a long time ago that life will never be fair and easy. Yet here Iam trying my best to find lilttle things that make life matters more than Hi-Tech mobile phone and fancy dinner. And I know as well that people will (try to) drag you down into a Black abbys of Negativity just to make things harder, for the sake of a quote "Nothing worth having comes easy". Really, people should stop quoting and start living a real life.

Just to keep things balance, these are what I cheerished for the last 30 days:

1. Iam having a job at a very Prestigious Public Corporate. Duh, hahaha.

2. Meeting an interesting friend or two. Still needing further observation.

3. I earn my own money which is pretty cool.

4. Iam getting real good at sugar coating words. I believe it's gonna be a super usefull skill in the right time and situation.

5. Even after all of the sadness and negativities and the helpless night I've been through, Iam still holding tight to what I believe in. Iam still very much grateful for what I have and who Iam right now. Life can be worse but Iam healthy and my tummy is full of love. My family is here with me. There are a lot of things I should be grateful of. So yes, my boss probably sucks but hey, weekend will always comes along. No worries. Well, you can be on Monday. Hahaha.

"I know that you worry a lot about, things you cant control. There's so many things we'd like to have, but we just cant afford. So, You've got to be kind to yourself..." --- She & Him

PS. It's not a quote. In my defence, it's a song lyrics. They are not the same. Period.

Linking Arms, Sinking Hearts

I've been questioning a lot of things, specially about God. I dont question His existance, more about why things happen and how sometimes the reality breaks my heart. I've been sinned and down on my knees praying and sobbing out of gratefulness. I've been up and down and in beetwen. I've been happy and disapointed. I've been loved and broken.

At this point of my life I can conclude that I have so much faith in God, that all of emotion that I feel is because I care so much about Him and I want to know Him better. I think that's the only human logic way of explaining why Iam head over heels thinking about this life, day and night, because I want to make it right. Okay, Iam not the best student or such but really, if there is something I want to be working is this one life He gives me. Or probably I thinks too much since everything is written down on the book. Haha.

I dont know. The only thing that prevents me being on the bottom of the river is the thought of Him hating me. Well, I did all sort of mistakes and sins and I just dont want things to be worse by slicing my vein. Plus it hurts. I cant stand physical pain. So here Iam, slouching by the fish pond muching some Jelly Beans thinking about spiritualism. It is a good day indeed.

The Last Station

It's been 2 months since my last post yet a lot of things seem different now. Yours truly is officially a fresh graduate now *drum rolls and standing ovation* hihi. I just went through my thesis defence yesterday morning and thank God things went smoothly. I am a lil bit upset thou, since I didn't reach my goal but well, finishing school well is worth a celebration. So bring out the booze!

There's a lot of things going on for the last 2 months. I wrote lots of things in my Writers. I made several playlist for extreme mood swings I constantly had lately. I eat much more healthier and work out regularly. I bake cookies whenever I get upset. I finished school. He he. It's the cherry of the cake, I guess.

I can't wait to get back to the wild again. Probably next month after I take care all of the paper works and knicks knacks. I've been itching to explore and take pictures of beautiful places. I can't wait to be amazed again.

I am tired and all but I am too happy to go to sleep. :)

Facing The World

I am scared, so scared I feel numb. But if I let this feeling holds me back, I will never ever forgive my self in the future. So I will hold my breath, close my eyes, wipe my sweats and run. Cause I know the way too well. Cause I know where to go. I will run and take a leap of faith. In my self.

taking the crown

Pretty hair has great impact on guys. No. Super great impact. Have you ever heard of Jared Leto?

He is like, man with the prettiest hair (and eyes) alive. I wont describe it since all the good things should be experienced directly so please google him. Or if you have the same opinion with me, let's do some fangirling.

I always more attracted to guys with long pretty shinny hair. For a man to take care of his hair seriously is so cool. Not too much. Just the right amount of caring haha. So yes, guys with long hair are deftly sexy. Dont believe me? do your research.

even Alex once had long hair (and that's probably one of the reason I keep watching Cornerstone vid)...

anyway, find some great tunes on youtube

ps: this post is inspired by Hozier and James Bay. I was checking them out on youtube when I thought about how I love man with long hair, how nice it is to braid their hair, bla bla bla and I unconsciously sorting some of my favourite in my head haha. I was originally ready to sleep but instead Iam writing this post.

pics are from google.com

on the top of the world

 

january of 2015 is almost over. I cant believe it passes by the blink of the eyes. I've been so absorbed by my final assignment that Iam scared if I do anything else I cant make it to the thesis defence by the end of this month. so I didnt go anywhere on chrismast and new year holiday, staying home, enjoying the garden my mom and dad worked on for several weeks, baking more (still not really good thou), worrying about school and stay up late reading shoujo manga cause apparently, my life is so dull haha.

I dont do new year resolutions. long term plan seems never working on me so I always set goals for several months ahead, 2 months top. kind of bulding little stones one by one at the moment, all for the bigger dream I want to make it true.

talk about dream, I feel really worry lately. soon I'll be finishing my school and I have to prepare what's next I want to do with my time on earth. I have several plans, ofcourse. what's been bugging me is the fear that Iam failling to make it work. this probably part of being a pesimist and optimistist at the same time. since I watched Mr. Nobody, I've been super aware that there are a lot of possibilities in this life and every chance have the same possibility to come true. whenever Iam facing life changing situation, I always torn between the best and the worst possibilities. I imagine every possibility possible to happen in my head, even the worst of the worst (I dont imagine the best of the best possibility cause, well, I dont want to expect much of it). I dont really understand why Iam doing this to my self. the best conclusion I can think of is this is kind of self defence, where I prepare my self to either fail or succeed. if I succeed, that it's a good thing but if I fail, I wont be so surprise anymore, I wont be too disappointed? I mean, I predicted it in my head before, so it's something I know is coming my way. oh, contradictions...

generally, I wish this year will be the year I finally stand on my on two feet. I want to experience a life where Iam fully a grown up by earning my own money and spend it on a good investment or two. and by investment, so far in my list is a pair of chelsea boots and a nice private walking closet.

ps: just remembered I went out of town on january 2nd with my family to celebrate new year. we didnt spend the night there but it's a reallyyy nice short trip that I managed to go the a place that's been on my list last year. super happy!
pps: that's what the pictures is about ;) ;)