stay awhile

so, She & Him newest album came out just in time for the starting of rainy-sentimental season here in Indonesia. my favourite tracks are.....all of them. lately, I've been listening to a lot of musical soundtracks from Chicago to Smash. and also Destiny's Child. something are simply irreplaceable, rite? :)

warm heart and an ear-to-ear-smile

I mentioned earlier in another post that I was spending some time at Lembongan Island, Bali. it is indeed one of the best experience I've ever had in so many level. first because I practically traveled with bunch of strangers. that's nerve wrecking and exciting since well, I've never done such a thing before so that was the first (and I like it! they are nice people). second, I have enough time to explore the island to the fullest. I actually planned to spend only a night there but some things came up and I decided to extend my stay. I didn't regret my impulsive decision. the extra time was well spent by biking around Nusa Lembongan and Nusa Ceningan. I was acompanied by a new friend of mine I met at UWRF 2014 cause the rest of the party gone diving. we woke up by 5 to hunt down sun rise from the bridge connecting the two island, Nusa Lembongan and Nusa Ceningan. we were told by the locals several good spot to watch sunrise and the best so far is the bridge. we got there early so it's still quite and dark. it seems like the bridge isn't a common place to watch sunrise (or people simply don't wake up that early at Lembongan unless you are a fisherman) so it's easy to get a good spot to capture the sun rising.

I think it will be absurd if I try to explain how beautiful it was, standing there with my camera hung around my neck, ready to crystallised the moment. what happened before me was magical. for me it's like watching an orchestra. first it was dark and then a strike of pink and orange cut the dark sky. the water was still and the fog was heavy. I could only hear the sound of boat's machine and bird chirping from a far. a fisherman's boat then coming from the direction of the sea crossing under the bridge as more orange popping up from behind the hill at Nusa Ceningan. I experienced the same feeling I had once at Bromo. I was freezed and amazed witnessing the nature performing one of its best show. everyday the sun rises from the east. it's something we take for granted, it's something certain and yet, if we really pay close attention, watching it happens is such a joy. being there makes me want to wake up early everyday just to greet the sun, despite the fact that I live in a big city where buildings competing to grow higher and higher blocking our view to the sky. the sun making an appearance, the fog lifted and the water reflected the sky. it was a beautiful morning, considering it's really cloudy the night before making me worry I couldnt get a clear view of the sun. we spent like, 3 hours at the bridge admiring the view, regretting that we didn't bring our best lenses and coffee along because man, we don't wake up everyday to a breath taking view like that.

next on list was beach hopping. we were crossing the bridge to go around Nusa Ceningan, looking for a hidden beach or two. we ended up at Secret Point, a resort that has a nice cafe by the beach. the food was okay and the beach was better hehe. we didn't stay long there. not much to see. we accidentally found much more interesting place as we made our way back on the road. there's a pretty view right in front of Secret Point. it's a high cliff facing directly to the sea. the water is the bluest I've ever seen. it's the blue that I usually see at the sky when the day is really bright. we were able to climbed down to get closer to the sea and got even a better view while looking up.

Lembongan basically is an island surrounded by cliffs that's why there are lots of hidden beach in between them. there are several interesting place at Nusa Ceningan but more at Nusa Lembongan. after visiting Secret Point and the great cliff (cause I don't know what the cliff called), we went around Nusa Ceningan expecting another discovery. but the island is really quite and not many locals live there. I think not many tourist explore Nusa Ceningan cause the development there is far behind Nusa Lembongan (with resort and high end restos climbing the hill). we crossed the bridge around 11 am, went straight to the hotel cause we couldn't stand the heat. it's October already but there's no sign of rain or cooler temperature just like how it supposed to be. on the other hand, somehow it's a good thing cause rain can be troublesome if we want to explore all the attractions at the island.

at 2 pm, after a really pleasant lunch at a little warung near by, we went boating at the mangrove forest. the guide was really nice that we got chances to take over the steer. turned out running a boat is super hard. I gave up at my first try haha. the mangrove was a really amazing place. I've never before going inside one so I was super happy with my first experience since it's nothing like I ever imagined. too bad we went there when tide was low so we couldn't go deeper inside the forest. the guide said the best time to explore the forest is around 10 am.

the rest of the afternoon was spent at the Devil's Tears, one of the famous water blow at the island. the place deserves the popularity since it was really amazing there. the cliff is shaped like the devil's horns and the water blows really high to the sky. I still couldn't figure out how the water can be so blue, the kind of blue I've never seen on other place so far. it's almost turquoise but in different lighting, it becomes grey. to end the day, we decided to watch the sunset at Panorama Point, where you have a clear view of the whole island and the harbour. the bad news is, it's not the best sunset spot. we spent hours waiting for something spectacular but nothing really happened. at the last minute, we rushed back to Devil's Tears cause we predicted a better view there. we only had about 20 minutes before the sun perfectly gone while we needed about 15 minutes to get there. it was a gambling cause we didn't have another chance to enjoy sunset at Lembongan. we'd be going back to Sanur by the earliest boat tomorrow so it's kind of do or die haha. by some miracle we made it to Devil's Tears in only 10 minutes, setting up the camera in lightning speed, holding our breath as we scanned the best spot to capture the sun. the place was more crowded than when we came earlier but not many climbed down the cliff like we did. as we had thought, the view was incredible from the cliff. we got the sun, the burning sky, the black water and cliffs shined by the last light of the sun. it was picture perfect. I didn't take many picture there. instead, I sat back and enjoyed the scenery. I've came so far to be there at Lembongan, with a thought of someone that kept hanging in my mind and some trouble with my study. I originally didn't expect to have so much fun since I was travelling with people I just knew for 2 days and also the fact that I failed to find an answer to my problem. but sitting there, for a moment it didn't matter anymore. I stopped thinking. I just being present there starring at the sky not blinking. after all the things that happened to me that day, I couldn't feel anything but blessed. sometime, at a hard time like that, I tended to feel hopeless and mad. I'd been trying so hard to please everyone but it seemed like nobody cares how much effort I put cause the outcome was not what they expected. I forget that the only person I should please is myself. so there I was, letting myself to be a lil bit careless and just enjoyed what's before me.

and man, for the first time of the week, I felt truly happy to be alive.

PS: I went to several restos at Lembongan and the best was Ware Ware resto by the hill. the other one was the little warung I went to before my mangrove tour but I didnt remember the name. they have delicious balinese homecooking which suits my taste better that those cafes by the beach. 

eyes wide open

I feel super tired and sleepy as Iam writing this post but there's a lot of thing popping up in my mind that I cant stay still. I feel like writing something but actually have no idea what to write in the first place.

for the last two weeks I watched several thriller and slasher movies specially those with twisted mind characters. not my usual cup of tea, yes. it's probably because I've been really lost with my current romance situation that I feel the need to watch other soul also loosing their mind in even worse situation than mine.

I baked several times. I tried some cookies and brownies recipes. some turned out great, many just got burnt (or I forgot putting something in or I put too many in or I put strange ingredients just because i thought it would taste even better. it didn't). I try really, really hard not to think that I really have no talent at the kitchen. it's fine, nothing is impossible. eventually, I'll get to the point where my cooking is save to consume, finger crossed. it's just the matter of time, fellas..

another thing I did the last two weeks was gardening. my mom and I bought a lemon tree and Iam glad to tell you that he is still very much alive, healthy and growing bigger. this is a good news for me since the last time I planted sunflower it only lasted for a week. now Iam devoting my self raising up my lemon tree till i can enjoy the fruit of my effort, literally and figuratively. I wont let any other living soul die in my hands (so sorry for being careless all this time ;"(().

hmm. I hit my limit. will go to get some sleep before Monday begins. ciao!

you steal a star and put it in your eyes

“do you want some cheese burger?”

“at this hour? Really?”

“you don’t have to worry about that tiny waist of yours. It still looks good even if you gain another inch”

He smiled sweetly when he said it. Damn it Romeo. I really can’t tell whether it’s a joke or compliment.

“make it double then!”

“haha that’s my girl. And as a bonus, an up size French fries specially for you”

“you ruin my body.”

“I’ll take responsibility for that later.”

He winked. Gosh. I must be desperate to agree spend the night with him.

“why Romeo? Are your parents super romantic or simply crazy about Shakespeare?”

“hmm. Probably both. I never really asked since I have no problem being Romeo. It sounds good.”

Narcissistic bastard.

“you must think Iam a narcissistic bastard.”

What is he? A mind reader?

“now you think Iam a mind reader cause I guessed it right, right?”

He grins. That’s rare. He looks relax. That’s also rare. Yeah, Iam glad you find me amusing.

“since you know what’s goin on in my head, Mr. Know-It-All, why don’t you tell me what’s inside that great mind of yours?”

“the usual. Work. Charts. Indexes. Who to date this weekend. I can’t decide between Kanya and Amanda. What do you think?”

“go with the bigger boobs.”

“bigger isn’t always better, Jane darling.”

I hate it if he”darling” me. I love the way he says it. So I hate it. Gosh.

“why do you go out with those girls? I mean, they obviously attracted only to your face and money.”

“haha I know but even Iam attracted to me. What’s wrong with that?”

“well, if you’re hoping a romance that lasts through ages, shouldn’t that person love you as whole? 

Your bad and your good, your flaws, even your narcissistic part. You’re just wasting your time going out with those girls. They dont seriously love you.”

“so, you do?”

“do what?”

“seriously love me?”

iam willing to be dragged to you messy life

“you look terrible.”

I just lied. she looks as beautiful as always. even her troubled face..

“I have a shitty day at work. Somehow things just didn’t come out as I wanted.”

“Iam all ears. But my drinks are on you.”

“haha. You are the worst. But yes, I can use you since Iam lonely. Have you ever feel lonely?”

“everybody has. Iam no exception.”

“why, I don’t know. I keep on looking for something. Iam running to all four directions, searching, wondering, questioning. Iam happy with my life right know but I can shake this feeling. It’s like, there’s a hole that no matter what I do I simply cant fill it. I hate it because Iam grateful for what I have in my life but I can help coming back being incomplete. There’s something missing and I haven’t found the perfect match for the puzzle. Iam so lost. And Iam too proud to ask for direction. Iam all on my own. I hate this. I want to be a happy person who wakes up feeling grateful for seeing the sun rises from my window and feel enough by doing what I love to do most. The only thing in the way is this fucking hole, this fucking insecurity feelings. I hate this. I hate this.”

poor little thing. an angel who got tricked by reality. isnt life hard down here at earth, my love?

“why don’t you come to my place tonight?”

..but i cant just leave you alone.

“why do I want to do that?”

“well, you are lonely. I’ll company you to sleep tonight. a good sleep cures almost everything.”

“will I feel complete with you by my side?”

“probably.”

“what if, It doesn’t work out?”

“at least you know that iam out of your list.”

“why, you are so right. And stop smilling as if iam a Juliet, Romeo. Iam not.”

the angel's name is Jane. Romeo and Jane. Not bad..

we are our own drama

no one knows what lies  ahead. we can make a decision, feeling so sure about it even though there's no guarantee it works and the outcome will be what we expect will be. we are all lost. Iam lost. Iam lost in a very big gambling game called life. how does it feel to be lost in your own life? well, so far I feel like an abandoned boat floating in the sea. no direction, no navigator, nothing. I live but it doesn't matter anymore. I have no destination to go and no ones wait for my return. but that's the decision I took. there's no going back. beside, I promise my self not to regret things.

letting you go is really hard. it took me 2 years to arrived to the point Iam standing now. it was a lot of pain. not the kind that hit you hard one time and gone in days. it's a constant amount of pain, everyday, from the first time I realised I wanted to monopolise you for my own. I had been back and forth about this feeling I had for you. I had been thinking and then rethinking again just to repeat it all over again every night before I sleep. I prayed so hard to God for you not to return my feeling. it would be so much easier that way. of course, God had other plans. of course he like to play a game first.

Iam not saying that the time we shared together wasn't a happy one. I was happy. but just like other normal human, we have shadow following us everywhere. that's how it was with this relationship. there's no doubt I often forgot to step on earth whenever i was with you. it's so easy to flew through the sky, touching the clouds, swimming in the pool of sunshine while eating cotton candy. it's so easy to forget that Iam a land creature. I don't belong up there in between the stars. so all I could do was being upset and pissed whenever I had to go back home. why cant the sky become my home? it's so much funner over there and there was you, I didn't need to worry about anything anymore. being with you was like sleeping under the tree on a sunny afternoon someday in June after finishing my favourite romance, probably Pride and Prejudice or even Fifty Shades of Grey. it's perfect. I couldn't ask anymore than that.

life is a series of turning points. sometimes we take a bad one, some time we turn to the good ones. but there's never been a wrong turn cause every decision you take is right, or at least that's how I see things. why? if there is right, there also be wrong right? yin and yang. well, this is probably just my justification towards my selfishness and my way to comfort my self. I don't want to regret anything that ever happen in my life. that's why I tell my self that I cant be wrong. if Iam in a pain, why should I stay? it's fine to be weak and sad and if necessary, pathetic. it's fine if I don't live alongside the moon. it's fine to stop pretending to hate my homeland where I keep coming back after tired exploring the skyline. it's fine. there's nothing wrong about it. there's nothing wrong about admitting my flaws and incapabilities. in fact, they make me stronger. from those bad turns I took, from every monsters I succeeded to hold back, from every fall that made me stand taller, Iam a brand new soul that came out of the hell hole. well, of course another hell hole is waiting for me but still, I survive. I passed the stage one of this (i-don't-know-how-many-more-to-come-in-this-life-)game. round one is mine, dear lord though Iam bleeding and lost part of my heart along the way. it's fine. I still can stand. bring it on.

I wish I could minimise the damage I cause you because I left. you know, I always know deep down inside, even though Iam not around, you'll be just fine. you are a fairy anyway, go grant your self a wish, just like ones you did to me. you just need time and you don't need to rush. fairy's lifespan is far longer than mere human like me haha. believe me, you'll be just fine.

thank you, for letting me experienced a lil bit of neverland :)

on the edge

I've been feeling insecure lately. I space out more often than I usually do, and by the time I hit reality back, I feel kind of disoriented. I even have a hard time recalling what I was thinking about. this is driving me crazy. Iam not even in a relationship, YET with him.

now I fully understand why people can act irrational when they are in a relationship. before, my life was so much simpler with less turbulence. every time my friends told me about problem they had with their boyfriend I could solve it straight away. everything seemed easy and crystal clear that I didn't even understand why in the first place it became a problem. there's always rational answer for every problem my friend came up with. but I kept wondering, why people stay at that kind of uncomfortable relationship where they waste energy worrying unnecessary things and arguing about who to blame for not reminding each other to have lunch. geez. now Iam one of those stupid people. I constantly worry about what to wear whenever I see him or what to say so he thinks Iam not as boring as I usually appear haha. I've never been before, wanting someone to be interested to me. Iam busy thinking what he thinks about me, how to make him ask me out again, how to look smart and funny, yara yara yara. now that Iam reading my last sentence, I get the impression that Iam super desperate about this hahaha.

well, Iam a good pretender so I manage to always look cool and compose. but is it a good thing? to look cool? does he think that rather than cool, Iam as cold as Himalaya's peak? should I just be that girly clingy cute girl type? this is hard. especially because Iam a believer of just-be-your-self. I understand that I have to act honestly and not try to hide my ugly side but still the feeling of being liked or accepted is so big I end up doing what I should do rather than what I want to do. this is hard, to doubt your own self and not be able to do what you really want to do just because you scared. Iam hopeless and confuse.

this is probably why I always hesitant about being close in a romantic way with someone. it's so much funner watching and reading romance that being in it. I mean, Iam crazy about Pride and Prejudice and Romeo and Juliet, I imagine them before I sleep, replaying my favourite scenes over and over in my head because the make me giggle and blush. but never before I have the intention to make it real, like doing such thing in real life. Charlotte Lucas from pride and prejudice is right. not everyone can afford romance. some are born to admire it from a far, wondering how it feels but never really try. I cant afford romance, Iam not capable for one. Iam too stiff and weird that Iam sure no one will ever understand who I truly am. even I don't understand who Iam, what I want in life. all of this uncertainty and restless mind are killing me. I am walking around in a maze that has no exit, yet the pressure is getting higher on every turn I take. now I regret my lack of experience in this field. I hate that things are not under my control. I hate that it's nothing like my imagination. I hate it's nothing like anything from Nicholas Sparks' books. I know I know, Iam obsessed with fiction, ofcourse nothing like that happens in real life.

I found this letter on pinterest. it is such a lovely reminder for those who also lost in confussion like me. Iam probably still far away from finding the one with whom I dont need to feel bad being my trully own self. I just need to keep going. cause eventually, I'll get there :)

game over

god is sly
he sent you to me
so I understand that you're not the one
I've been looking for
that what I believe was
no more than overrated cheesy romance,
spiced and arranged by teen lit and television
that what I truly want is not some standard procedure
of loving and caring
but the whole zoo escaping my stomach
left only butterflies tickling my heart
an unprepared unconscious kiss
the only thing that explains how deep i fall for you
you are right from the start
I want to get burnt
not just standing on the sideline stealing the warm
I want only one,
to go all out,
to a free fall
and not even try to resist

Oct 28th, one of so many sleepless night

I was spoiled, big time

this is probably my first compulsive trip in my twenties (that I believe will be happening more often in the future). I began this month with a spontaneous trip to Ubud, Bali, where I attended my first Ubud Writers and Reader Festival. I stayed for 4 nights with a friend of mine from Surabaya, who I just met once before, and a girl I met right at my lodge's front door. to be exact, a bunch of strangers. the people stayed next door are volunters to the event, a freelance photographer lady and an out of closet gay. my life was never been so exciting before this. my first thought was "awesome. just exactly what i need in my so flat and ordinary life, a little twist". they are all really really nice. I mean, I always remember what people say about talking to stranger and stuffs but there I was living with them for almost a week. I got out alive.

Ubud is a nice place for a gateway from crowded city like Surabaya. it has calm atmosphere whenever you go, even though the village had been swarmed by foreigners because of Saraswati day on Saturday. it's like a implicite competition amongs locals, cafes, restos, lodges, guesthouses, hotels, yoga studios, everything conspire to make a peaceful and relax mood for the visitors which felt so good I got syndrome oh-Iam-so-not-leaving-this-place-forever. I've never been to a place where i feel so relax and carefree and welcomed as much as Ubud did to me. everyday when I woke up and steped out of my room I was facing a little forest, birds tweeting, bugs cricking even the sun felt different on my skin. it was a laidback life there where we spent like hours chit chatting during breakfast before we headed to the event's venue. I spent my time walking around the neighbourhood (which iam not able to do at Surabaya) admiring a lot of interesting places like galleries and puras and cute cafes. life at Ubud is rush-free, take your time, as much as you need, time will be waiting for you.

the only thing I couldnt handle was the expensive food. I went to Ubud without much preparation and a budget ofcourse. it's so hard to find a nice restos that meal costs below $5. thank God for convinience store that kept me alive and well fed though I had to cheat on my diet.

talk about the festival I attended, it was really really an amazing opportunity to be there joining discussion after discussion, screenings, poetry show downs, everything i've always wanted to be involved in but never had the chances to. I feel so blessed and happy to be there. it was like a geek's heaven where everyone loves Jane Austen and gets excited smelling the paper of new book and no one is laughing at you just because you get carried away by a story. they all are my kind. I felt like coming home haha. I dont have much to say cause it's so amazing you should experience it yourself. I'll definetely come back next year, probably as a volunteer. cant wait to meet friends I made during the festival again, they are all beyond nice and fun. until next time xx

conversation #3

I wonder
if the skin is green
hair is nothing like those ragging waves on November
which reflects the golden of setting sun
the smile is crooked
and my cheeks is not the colour of the rose

I wonder
if Iam a certified heart breaker
rules bender
a bloody fat liar
and a human form of poisoned apple
that snow white bites

will someone ever love me?

picnic by the sea

i got a chance to fly home, and by home i mean the beautiful island in the sun, Bali, to attend Ubud Writer and Reader Festival 2014 for a week and extended my stay to explore more about my homeland. i will write about the festival on the next post because i always more excited to talked about beach and sea haha.

as usual my cousins came along since we all are in the mood to find another hidden beauties. we were willing to drive miles and hours to hunt for beaches and hidden nice cafes and yumz gelato, everything to fullfill our thirst of adventure. later my lil sister joined our party but that is also another post to come up later ;)

my first stop after spending a relaxing week at Ubud is Canggu, which is a quite popular destination for a gateway among the foreigners. it's not as crowded as Kuta and Seminyak or even Ubud with a lot of high end villas and cafes. it's more quite and peaceful, a perfect place to enjoy sunbathing by the beach while sipping coconut water and reading romance. i always get this overwhelm feeling every time i go to seminnyak or kuta. too many people, drunk people to be exact, too many fancy cafes that look the same with one another, too crowded and terrible traffic, so on so on so it's really nice to go somewhere quiter with the same doze of entertaiment as the two destinations i mentioned earlier.

see you on my next post xxx