no one knows what lies ahead. we can make a decision, feeling so sure about it even though there's no guarantee it works and the outcome will be what we expect will be. we are all lost. Iam lost. Iam lost in a very big gambling game called life. how does it feel to be lost in your own life? well, so far I feel like an abandoned boat floating in the sea. no direction, no navigator, nothing. I live but it doesn't matter anymore. I have no destination to go and no ones wait for my return. but that's the decision I took. there's no going back. beside, I promise my self not to regret things.
letting you go is really hard. it took me 2 years to arrived to the point Iam standing now. it was a lot of pain. not the kind that hit you hard one time and gone in days. it's a constant amount of pain, everyday, from the first time I realised I wanted to monopolise you for my own. I had been back and forth about this feeling I had for you. I had been thinking and then rethinking again just to repeat it all over again every night before I sleep. I prayed so hard to God for you not to return my feeling. it would be so much easier that way. of course, God had other plans. of course he like to play a game first.
Iam not saying that the time we shared together wasn't a happy one. I was happy. but just like other normal human, we have shadow following us everywhere. that's how it was with this relationship. there's no doubt I often forgot to step on earth whenever i was with you. it's so easy to flew through the sky, touching the clouds, swimming in the pool of sunshine while eating cotton candy. it's so easy to forget that Iam a land creature. I don't belong up there in between the stars. so all I could do was being upset and pissed whenever I had to go back home. why cant the sky become my home? it's so much funner over there and there was you, I didn't need to worry about anything anymore. being with you was like sleeping under the tree on a sunny afternoon someday in June after finishing my favourite romance, probably Pride and Prejudice or even Fifty Shades of Grey. it's perfect. I couldn't ask anymore than that.
life is a series of turning points. sometimes we take a bad one, some time we turn to the good ones. but there's never been a wrong turn cause every decision you take is right, or at least that's how I see things. why? if there is right, there also be wrong right? yin and yang. well, this is probably just my justification towards my selfishness and my way to comfort my self. I don't want to regret anything that ever happen in my life. that's why I tell my self that I cant be wrong. if Iam in a pain, why should I stay? it's fine to be weak and sad and if necessary, pathetic. it's fine if I don't live alongside the moon. it's fine to stop pretending to hate my homeland where I keep coming back after tired exploring the skyline. it's fine. there's nothing wrong about it. there's nothing wrong about admitting my flaws and incapabilities. in fact, they make me stronger. from those bad turns I took, from every monsters I succeeded to hold back, from every fall that made me stand taller, Iam a brand new soul that came out of the hell hole. well, of course another hell hole is waiting for me but still, I survive. I passed the stage one of this (i-don't-know-how-many-more-to-come-in-this-life-)game. round one is mine, dear lord though Iam bleeding and lost part of my heart along the way. it's fine. I still can stand. bring it on.
I wish I could minimise the damage I cause you because I left. you know, I always know deep down inside, even though Iam not around, you'll be just fine. you are a fairy anyway, go grant your self a wish, just like ones you did to me. you just need time and you don't need to rush. fairy's lifespan is far longer than mere human like me haha. believe me, you'll be just fine.
thank you, for letting me experienced a lil bit of neverland :)
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