on the edge

I've been feeling insecure lately. I space out more often than I usually do, and by the time I hit reality back, I feel kind of disoriented. I even have a hard time recalling what I was thinking about. this is driving me crazy. Iam not even in a relationship, YET with him.

now I fully understand why people can act irrational when they are in a relationship. before, my life was so much simpler with less turbulence. every time my friends told me about problem they had with their boyfriend I could solve it straight away. everything seemed easy and crystal clear that I didn't even understand why in the first place it became a problem. there's always rational answer for every problem my friend came up with. but I kept wondering, why people stay at that kind of uncomfortable relationship where they waste energy worrying unnecessary things and arguing about who to blame for not reminding each other to have lunch. geez. now Iam one of those stupid people. I constantly worry about what to wear whenever I see him or what to say so he thinks Iam not as boring as I usually appear haha. I've never been before, wanting someone to be interested to me. Iam busy thinking what he thinks about me, how to make him ask me out again, how to look smart and funny, yara yara yara. now that Iam reading my last sentence, I get the impression that Iam super desperate about this hahaha.

well, Iam a good pretender so I manage to always look cool and compose. but is it a good thing? to look cool? does he think that rather than cool, Iam as cold as Himalaya's peak? should I just be that girly clingy cute girl type? this is hard. especially because Iam a believer of just-be-your-self. I understand that I have to act honestly and not try to hide my ugly side but still the feeling of being liked or accepted is so big I end up doing what I should do rather than what I want to do. this is hard, to doubt your own self and not be able to do what you really want to do just because you scared. Iam hopeless and confuse.

this is probably why I always hesitant about being close in a romantic way with someone. it's so much funner watching and reading romance that being in it. I mean, Iam crazy about Pride and Prejudice and Romeo and Juliet, I imagine them before I sleep, replaying my favourite scenes over and over in my head because the make me giggle and blush. but never before I have the intention to make it real, like doing such thing in real life. Charlotte Lucas from pride and prejudice is right. not everyone can afford romance. some are born to admire it from a far, wondering how it feels but never really try. I cant afford romance, Iam not capable for one. Iam too stiff and weird that Iam sure no one will ever understand who I truly am. even I don't understand who Iam, what I want in life. all of this uncertainty and restless mind are killing me. I am walking around in a maze that has no exit, yet the pressure is getting higher on every turn I take. now I regret my lack of experience in this field. I hate that things are not under my control. I hate that it's nothing like my imagination. I hate it's nothing like anything from Nicholas Sparks' books. I know I know, Iam obsessed with fiction, ofcourse nothing like that happens in real life.

I found this letter on pinterest. it is such a lovely reminder for those who also lost in confussion like me. Iam probably still far away from finding the one with whom I dont need to feel bad being my trully own self. I just need to keep going. cause eventually, I'll get there :)