Wednesday, March 28, 2012

life goes on

ever feel like doubting yourself?

for me, going to college is one of criteria to have a success life. once you enter a good college, get got mark, cum laude, that's enough to reach 'a complete package of young excecutive' (plus being married by a good future man- good financial, good look, good attitude, good kisser-before 25 and have a twin ). that's what mom and dad figure about ideal life (c'on, i live in a development country which think we are moderate enough but to be truth still stick on what the olds say). i was so positive about college if it means supporting my future carrier. i was the one who be very sure about entering economics and being a good economics consultant. of course my parents was happy about this because they thought i already found out what i wanna be.

it all changes once i doubt my self. once i questioned, 'do i really wanna do this?'. once i felt that, this would take me nowhere. once i felt bored when this should be fun. iam scared.

i don't wanna be someone who go to college just to get a title. i want to learn something that i believe can help others. but look at me now. iam exactly that kind of person. i lost my passion of this and i have no idea what to do, to make it on fire once again. this is tiring. doing something halfheartedly and on the other side, dad works so hard so i get a good education (for a good future's sake of course). iam such an ungrateful person. this feels the same as betraying my parents trust. oh god. iam so awful.

i never ever imagine this like this would happen to me. i keep on asking my self, 'what the hell is going on with you dummy?!'. i can talk about this to mom or dad or even both of them. just, not today. i don't want to trouble them with this-feels-so-immature-stuffs. hello, iam turning 20 this year (i hate saying this. i mean, writing this). i secretly hope that mom and dad find this blog and read what iam writing right now. then it'll be so much easier. i always get problem with words (specially say it out loud). but maybe later. maybe when iam 25 or something. when i've figured it out and proudly say that i can handle things by my self. not to be chocky ;p

dearest mom and dad,


to let you down is never be a pride for me. i WANT to make you proud and happy as you please, as you always want and imagine from a child of yours. i want to be whatever you want me to be, whatever you imagine me to be. this is hard for me. but i promise i figure it out. i promise you to go back on track and speed to the finish line. maybe this is a beginning of something good. maybe this is how god works. it's just the matter of time 'till i find my way back. a turning point.


you know i love you even i never say it loud.


yours truly :*


PS : i'll launch my own clothing line at the beginning of April. please be my guest :)


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Tuesday, March 06, 2012

talk about nothing

hello..
so, here iam sitting peacefully with grande caramel black tea at my very favorite place after home, skipping my daily routine.

 it's a nice day. a lil cloudy and enough sun. 

wind blows quite heavy. all i want to do is humming Baby, It's Cold Outside while writing this.

i should have gone working out by now. i never skip even once. but, today, i feel like loosing it all and enjoy my day. i even am planning on skipping class later hahaaa... i usually pretty strict about my daily routine since i like doing it so much. but maybe, i'll just go  home and have nap with my windows widely open so the breeze comes in playing with my hair while iam going on a great adventure in dream world.

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taken by me using ipod's camera edited in snapseed only. i LOVE snapseed <3


yes yes, iam going to have a  very nice day. wish you do so :)

Saturday, March 03, 2012

twinkle little stars

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how i wonder what you are..