For The Night is Long and Full of Terrors

Lately I've been having mix feelings about my 'new life'. Maybe this is the phase of adapting because a lot of things have been changing. I dont know, whether they change for the better or the worse. But looking at how I feel right now, I cant help but thinking that probably the ship is going down.

Is it me who is not ready for the change?

Or is it people around me that dont want any change?

I've never felt so difficult to be around my family before. Right now all I want to do is just running away, far far away and never looking back again. Iam struggling to comunicate with them as if they are aliens, not people who share blood with me. Iam suffocated by the fact that they want the old me. Is there such a thing in the first place? An old me? A new me? Can I really transform into a whole new personality only after a month?

I wish I can read people's mind cause it will be a very good use in this situation. Iam tired guessing what they truly want from me. And Iam tired of never becoming what they want. It's been prety hard for me that I cant apply for my dream job. I just want people to be supportive so I can keep going with head held high. Now what's left is doubt and dissapointment, for loosing almost everything I hold dear in my heart, my dream and people I call home. The battle is hard and long. I dont know how long will I hold up before bursting into bubbles of anger and sorrow.

It's just a pity that what I think can be forever turn into a tsunami of needles in my chest.