Carrie On Monday: Other's Perspective

pic from pinterest.com

This is a video I accidentaly stumbled last week. I was aimlessly browsing through TED playlist when a title caught my attention. I spent the rest of the day listening to several TED's videos that related to this video. Please enjoy this. You may replay it for 2 or 3 times to really absorb the message, just like I did ;)

Carrie On Monday: Va Va Voom

pic from pinterest.com

Guess what I've been doing whenever I had sleep deprived last week. It's Period Drama Week! Hopeless romantic mode activated.

It was started with The Duchess, cause I watched Marie Antoinette the previous week. I thought, why didn't I stick with the theme, so I went for another French period drama. Watching Keira at The Duchess made me missing Pride and Prejudice. I kept repeating the part when Mr. Darcy found out that Lizzy was visiting Pemberley with her Aunt and Uncle in my mind. I love love that part so much. Mostly because Mr. Darcy looked so nervous in front of Lizzy hahaha. He's so cute.

After Pride and Prejudice, I watched Ana Karenina and end the week with The Other Boleyn Girl. I was originally wanted to end the week with Becoming Jane but work got so hectic I fell asleep once I got home. The week might be so exhausting, but rewatching all of my precious period dramas gave me the strenght to carry on. All of those movies, aside from giving my sentimental side some entertainment, it also brings out ideas in my head.

After several nights of intense romance, it's finally driving me crazy. Why it is so hard to realise that kind of connection today? Why is it so hard to innocently fall in love, with out any other hidden objectives under the sleeves? All of these ideas are probably related most to Pride and Prejudice, since the other movies have the main characters involved in secret affairs. Why can't I find the va va voom just like the one Mr. Darcy and Lizzy share?

I remember Carrie talked about this once, but I can't remember the episode. I believe she's saying something about va va voom that makes this particular person special, makes him 'Our Person'. This indescribable emotion that keeps two individuals coming back together, even after being apart or having arguments. The irreplaceable feeling he left, as if no one else can fit the missing puzzle in our heart. And our mind in auto pilot, tracing back to our memories together, both the beautiful ones or the sour ones. This va va voom sounds a lot like dark magic work, haha, but that's how it is. Right?

I told myself once that I'm allowed to have a certain expectation when it comes to romance. It's nothing about the superficial features of the lover, more like how I want the relationship goes. But I know that I've been spoiled big time with all of the romance Jane Austen wrote. I know I have a sky high expectation of romance in this current age. I want no less than heart skips a beat when he kisses me, long comfortable silent as we read our favorite books together and dancing underneath the star light. Is it wise to sow in such dreams? Is it wise to keep indulging my mind in this period drama fatamorgana? After all, it's all fiction in the first place. It's never even happening in real life.

I want to believe part of myself, thinking that everything is possible in this life. I'm not sure how long I can hold on though.

Carrie On Monday: Am I Enough?

pic from pinterest.com

This post will be different with the rest Carrie on Monday cause I'm so so good in this. When we talk about single gal life, I may be the one you want to talk to.

Let's start from the bad side. Last week my very very good friend just got married and I was one of the bridesmaids. As happy as I was welcoming the day, I kind of annoyed with the endless stream of "so, when is yours?" during the party. Well first of all, I wish I knew when my time would come. I wish I could cheat on God to peek on my own future. 

I was also meeting a lot of my old friends at the party. I ended up hanging out with 2 of my junior high besties after the party cause it's been too long since we hung out together. We spent the whole day chatting and eating and laughing and gossipping. I remember one of my them told me about her recent trip to Borneo. She told me that she met a lot of lovey dovey couple at the plane she felt the heat burning her from deep within hahaha. Then one couple catched up her attention. She realised that was a rude thought but she couldn't help but thinking that she was prettier and slimmer than the girl. But why she couldn't get a boyfriend of her own?

My first reaction was laughing. So hard. I wasn't not sure if I thought that's a pathetic statement or I thought it's a ridiculous idea to begin with. But after a while, I realised that me too sometimes had that kind of thought slipped on my mind for a second. And I realised it's completely okay to wonder about that. It's not pathetic or ridiculous because we simply don't understand (and we want to, so badly). This is a part when I get reminded over and over again that every living person has different way of doing things hence, different outcome in life. In this case, love life.

What surprised me more was the answer I was giving to her. I said, "At this stage, I understand that look attracts people. But attitude and personality are ones that keep him stay. She maybe not the most  good looking person but he stays eventually. Why? It's something we, as the outsiders, can't see with our bare eyes. But it's crystal clear for him."

When did I become so smart mouth about this? Haha. I didn't see my self coming with that kind of talk. I guess, that understanding has hidden deep in my subconscious. A friend happened to ask a question and I had the answer all the time.

I'm still in the running of practising my patience untill I find the prince charming cause I'm not really sure what else to do. Lol.

xxx

Carrie On Monday: Hollow Heart

It's been a while since the last Carrie on Monday I posted and I have my heart to blame. I just feel really hollow lately, so uninspired when it come to romance. I think it's mostly because the last encounter with romance turned straight down to ashes, I was left with a big chunk of hole in term of trusting people, yet again.

I always have a big issue with trust but I know I've been progressing to a better place for the last couple of years. I've been working so hard to be more open but, well, sometimes people enter your life and kind of mess things you've built just because they're bored with their life. Thank you and please f off my life, let's not meet again.

Everyday I wonder if I ever really trust a person to the extend of sharing a bed and being completely naked about my thoughts and feeling. I wish my love life as easy as every chick flick I read during my junior high. Haha. I sometimes curse my self for being this rigid and fragile and a bit clueless about this field, considering how much time I spend watching period drama and Sex and The City. I should have known better. But really, you know nothing until it happens to you. I feel you Jon Snow.

So I guess I'll be practising my patience more and watch many K-Drama for a whole new level of unrealistic romance vision.

xxx

Carrie On, Monday: Needs

pic from pinterest.com

Relationship is complicated, because it is born from the mutual need of each other's presence. But needs change over time. Can we accelerate together? Can we somehow, drug our mind to keep this mutual feeling going?

I'm not gonna speculate anything this time. It's just a sudden thought that hit me really hard, I stoped doing anything I did at that time. So here is one of the answer I've been looking for. This is one of the reason why I have a small inner circle. I keep close my favorite people, ones whose presence are one part of my daily need. Their thought of my decision matters for me, their approval of something is one of my deliberation. 

This is also one of the reason why I don't feel the urge of finding a future husband (when you reach 25 years old, you no longer do "boyfriend" here. It's all about marriage). I pretty much capable of doing anything in my own power. I am, independent, so steady of being solitary. I'm so good of being on my own. Which is scary cause, does it mean I will never need a husband? Geez, why am I being all confused about all of this? Of course I need a husband, if I ever wanted a kid or two. I can't impregnate my self, that is out of question. HAHA, I can be really stupid sometimes.

I think, that's the cue to end this post.

Carrie on, Monday: Simple Math

Most of the time, I feel like I'm not suitable to write about love. I haven't even dated a guy, not even once. Almost dated one but, it went out real bad. Talk about my love history, it seems like I always meet the wrong guy. Why wrong? Because non of them were genuine. Super sad face.

All the lessons, all the confusion, all the disappointment, I believe won't go to waste. As I'm a person who have a hard time forgetting something that hurt my feeling, I take notes of all my mistakes. I'll be stronger and smarter so some guys can't just stomp on my feeling. I'm not interesting on playing their game. I found out I never wanted to get tangled on something that had no future value.

People has their own math. For Carrie, it's a bit of Chanel + Manolo x (cosmo + rebound guy) = moving on. For Samantha, shopping spree and Rodeo St + splashing wine in his face + spreading bad rumours about him on his neighbourhood = second chance. Charlotte is morning run + high maintenance puppy = a new beginning. And last but not least, our Miranda is good with TiVo + Chinese food = forgetting about the father of her child, for awhile.

Mine? I want to write down Love - Understanding = Leaving. Or probably something like coffee + books + all of my period drama favorites + Klenex to get over a heart break. But I don't want to decide on how to mend a broken heart before I actually have one. I feel weird just thinking about it haha. Probably, I will go all cray cause it's my first heart break. Probably, I get over it as I take a bath before bed.

Whatever happen in the future, I guess Carrie and I don't have to worry too much. We have the girls, our support system. Just like a safety net, they'll keep us from hitting the ground, and bounce us back to the air.

Carrie On Monday: When to Hit Pause

I realise that sometimes, I try too hard to be in love. Sometimes I try too hard to be liked back. I always lost my direction in the middle of a relationship cause I get too caught up guessing what ideal girl he likes. And it's tiring.

I keep on thinking that to love and to be in love shouldn't feel like doing school final test. Frightening and tense. Sure, a relationship need some work to survive every challenge. But that work should come from both sides. If you're the one who do all the hustle, then I think you should step back a bit and see the whole picture. After all, in order to last "till-death-due-us-apart", you need that relationship to be as healthy as possible. Thus, a good team work.

I'm not blaming the other party, cause recently I accepted the fact that the problem was coming from me. The trying-too-hard-me. I'm not being my self every time I met a guy. I tend to become what people expect a woman to be. I become ordinary, in a way that I'm not showing them what makes my personality special . I was the expected. And probably they got bored playing.

So I stop. I'm not in the mood of romance until I find out what I want to be, what I want to do with my life, all the big questions. I need a break and a rehab from the series of potential-love-interest-turned-ugly. I probably should change my hair color, just like Carrie did after Mr. Big called off the wedding by not showing off on the big day. Geez. That's the worst, James Preston.

And then an idea whispers to me, "what if, I never find my own self?"

Well, at least I die trying.

(and somebody find out about my story, make it a Hollywood movie that will hit box office. That way, I have the whole world weep for me. HAHA. Btw, pic from pinterest.com, not my own)

Carrie On, Monday: Seeing Through

Picture from pinterest.com

The old says, eyes are the window of the heart.

Of course it would be nice if you find the door (and a key set) to his heart right away. Cause you don't have to peek through the window, you can enter the heart. Peeking, my friends, is no good habit. Peeking is risky, because you tend to play guess of what's really inside. It's highly not recommended for those with fragile heart and a mindset of Elizabeth Bennet.

Then, how are you supposed to find the door and the key? Well, I'm afraid you can't really find an answer here. You can ask Carrie, for an advice to get as close as possible with the answer. As close as possible, but not quite there, yet. You are the only one who can figure out the rest of the story. And there are only 2 possible ending for you: a beginning of happily ever after or a scattered broken heart and "lesson learnt, not going there anymore".

I personally, love the peeking game. High risk, high return. Go big or go home. Playing such a dangerous game so many times doesn't make me an expert. I sometimes stare to long that I can't no longer trust my own judgement. I get lost in a pair of clear brown eyes that reflect the sunshine. So many times, I thought them eyes smile at me when it's probably a mockery of my stupidity. I don't know. I can't tell which is which. I keep on guessing and playing, without really asking the truth. I thought, only tongue can tell lies. Turns out, those pair of kind looking eyes, the window to whatever they hide deep in their chest, can play better roles. That or, I simply don't know how to play the game from the start. I'm being genuine, when that's the least thing I have to be.

Maybe Warhol is right. People should fall in love with their eyes close. But Mr. Warhol, I'd like to add gagged mouth, tied hands and wear only undergarments. That way, we have less things to hide. 

Carrie On, Monday: Who We Are

pic from pinterest.com

Carrie Bradshaw and I must be born in the wrong era. Observing from our love expectations and sky high hope of finding a true love (also known as extinct species by the end of 2000), we are not suitable for the millennial.

We, crumbly and flimsy creatures, are too weak to survive the jungle of love. Do not mistaken us, romance is so different today. It has risen its bar so high that the participants need to go to war to win some body's affection. By war means keeping your body in size 2, neatly trimmed eyebrows and killer home cooking. Well, Carrie maybe size 2 while I'm in size 8 (and going), but we both can only cook boiled water. We put so much trust in someone and take whatever comes out of his mouth as the truth. We are easy target just because we believe that someone can be devoted as much ad we do. And even after all the free-falling-turned-ugly, we're still standing back and fighting. I think, we both are warriors indeed. But we're definitely no winner.

Let's say, it does exist. So where should we go to find it? How long will it takes till we cross path? Are we strong enough to hold on till the day comes?

One thing you should know, Carrie and I are melodramatic. We dream a love like the ones from Jane Austen's book, or Titanic. We dream of a cheesy, full of bullshit, time consuming, 4th of July firecracker, head over heels love. We live for love and die in love. We are hopeless romantic, who regularly get slapped by the 6 a.m alarm, reminding us to get back to reality.

Feel free to ignore us whenever we start romanticising the starry sky and the silver moon. We can't help it.