If I'm Lucky Enough...

I always think about the worst to come. 

Everytime I feel like I'm facing a change, I imagine the worst outcome first, followed by another 5-10 possibilities that may happen. But the worst always comes first, as if I'm anticipating my self when thing turns ugly. I'll make sure I understand what the consequence of failing first above everything else. Is it what people call 'being hard on your self'? All I know is I'm being careful and realistic.

I guess I am being hard on my self, because I often feel tired at the end of the day. Someday, I wish I don't have to wake up from my sleep. It's easier to control everything on Dreamland. And I don't have to be so.....up tight? Haha. I used to be more carefree back on high school. But that's different era back then. It's a lil bit unfair to compare this stage and the previous level of growing up. Things change, or I prefer to call it a transformation instead. And all of my writing here is an evidence of transformation.

I re-read this blog too often. I love reading how I felt, how I got confused, how silly I was when a boy broke my heart, as if my world ended right at that moment. I love to get reminded over and over again by reading my past experience. That's probably why I always think about the worst first. I always get prepared so I won't experience sour reality for the second time around. I'm putting a preventive procedure for my own self, my own mind, my own heart cause I understand how fragile someone can be.

You know my friend, not all decision I made were based on accurate calculation. Sometimes, I simply go with my guts. Sometimes, your heart knows what should you do, even though you don't get the reason why. Sometimes, you have a very urge feeling of doing something you haven't fully understand. When that moment comes, the best I can do is giving my best effort, minimising failure and error. I'll stop listen to my rational mind, I break my own SOP, I just need to go with the flow and try not to get killed.

Here I'm today. Still very much alive, walking a path I paved my own. Whenever I look back, I'm smiling wide, no regret is allowed today, or tomorrow. I'm lucky I listen to my self and dig that courage out of the quicksand. I don't know if I can be so grateful for something that is happening to me, I don't know if I can be this happy.

Funny is, when a dream is still a dream, you can't wait until you reach it. And when it becomes a reality, you can't stop pinching your cheeks. Just because.