I don't even know where to start. Hmm.
So, if you read all of my posts from January 2019, all of them have been quite stressful and if I may say, depressing. 2019 is started from a rough start to an even more bumpy ride. I haven't feel at "home" at all for the pas 4 months. I feel restless, anxious, all the time, and sometimes a very big urge to cry out of nothing. Everything seems to center around my work life.
It's shameful for me to keep on nagging and complaining about this. This is the job that I want, that I fight for. I'm so lucky to get a chance to experience all of these, mostly things I used to only imagined doing but today it's my reality. "It's hard to complain from my 5 stars hotel", said Mac Miller. You don't want to come across as ungrateful, but living your dream doesn't always mean happily ever after. At least that's how I see it now.
This week I got a hard time to sleep, again. Funny cause I spend like 1.5 months to get back to normal people's sleep hour, cut back on caffeine and screen time all for a more healthy lifestyle. Then this restlessness stays longer than I expect, screwing up with my mind, poking back the insecurities that I've been trained to stay low in the depth. I truly don't expect I'll be lost this long. My mind keeps buzzing even when I try to slip on my blanket and put socks on. I can't help but keep on thinking about what is happening, how to get out from this slump, how to recenter my own being, finding comfort and peacefulness in every step I take. I think about so many possibilities arise in the future, the bad stuffs, how I'm going to survive the parting, what I want to do next. Everything is ticking inside my head, like a time bomb.
It's hard now and it's never going to be easier in the future. Go read my post from 2016 and 2017, and you'll figure how much I love this job. How I feel like fulfilling my passion every time I step in the office. How I often smile after finishing a project because it gives me satisfaction, one that I crave so much. I pour so much into this, my time, my ideas, my ego. I give it all of me, more than I can possibly afford. I treat it as my own, I put so much care cause I really want this to take off. But it's not mine, I'm not the one making decisions. I try to talk it out, try to bring some clarity back, but it seems like I'm hitting dead end. I've been waking up with this horrible feeling of wanting to get away as much as possible from this job. I don't find the joy doing what used to make me happy, and when I find some, I need to really scrap it out from the bottom of my emotions. I guess that's the thing of pursuing your passion. When it turns south, it's hard to keep up with all the emotions that rage in your chest. Everything becomes personal, cause you do invest your heart and mind on it.
Everyday, all I can think of is making mental note on how wrong things are. It's scary cause it grows into such a long list. How can the good even things out? I want to pin it on something, someone, whatever, it's just, everything is wrong wrong wrong in my eyes. Then I will force my self to fold everything and put it back on my emotional baggage, keep it there so I won't explode.
Does this have to go this way? I do feel worry.
Should I save my self or trying to be strong?
