ever feel like doubting yourself?
for me, going to college is one of criteria to have a success life. once you enter a good college, get got mark, cum laude, that's enough to reach 'a complete package of young excecutive' (plus being married by a good future man- good financial, good look, good attitude, good kisser-before 25 and have a twin ). that's what mom and dad figure about ideal life (c'on, i live in a development country which think we are moderate enough but to be truth still stick on what the olds say). i was so positive about college if it means supporting my future carrier. i was the one who be very sure about entering economics and being a good economics consultant. of course my parents was happy about this because they thought i already found out what i wanna be.
it all changes once i doubt my self. once i questioned, 'do i really wanna do this?'. once i felt that, this would take me nowhere. once i felt bored when this should be fun. iam scared.
i don't wanna be someone who go to college just to get a title. i want to learn something that i believe can help others. but look at me now. iam exactly that kind of person. i lost my passion of this and i have no idea what to do, to make it on fire once again. this is tiring. doing something halfheartedly and on the other side, dad works so hard so i get a good education (for a good future's sake of course). iam such an ungrateful person. this feels the same as betraying my parents trust. oh god. iam so awful.
i never ever imagine this like this would happen to me. i keep on asking my self, 'what the hell is going on with you dummy?!'. i can talk about this to mom or dad or even both of them. just, not today. i don't want to trouble them with this-feels-so-immature-stuffs. hello, iam turning 20 this year (i hate saying this. i mean, writing this). i secretly hope that mom and dad find this blog and read what iam writing right now. then it'll be so much easier. i always get problem with words (specially say it out loud). but maybe later. maybe when iam 25 or something. when i've figured it out and proudly say that i can handle things by my self. not to be chocky ;p
dearest mom and dad,
to let you down is never be a pride for me. i WANT to make you proud and happy as you please, as you always want and imagine from a child of yours. i want to be whatever you want me to be, whatever you imagine me to be. this is hard for me. but i promise i figure it out. i promise you to go back on track and speed to the finish line. maybe this is a beginning of something good. maybe this is how god works. it's just the matter of time 'till i find my way back. a turning point.
you know i love you even i never say it loud.
yours truly :*
PS : i'll launch my own clothing line at the beginning of April. please be my guest :)
