For The Night is Long and Full of Terrors

Lately I've been having mix feelings about my 'new life'. Maybe this is the phase of adapting because a lot of things have been changing. I dont know, whether they change for the better or the worse. But looking at how I feel right now, I cant help but thinking that probably the ship is going down.

Is it me who is not ready for the change?

Or is it people around me that dont want any change?

I've never felt so difficult to be around my family before. Right now all I want to do is just running away, far far away and never looking back again. Iam struggling to comunicate with them as if they are aliens, not people who share blood with me. Iam suffocated by the fact that they want the old me. Is there such a thing in the first place? An old me? A new me? Can I really transform into a whole new personality only after a month?

I wish I can read people's mind cause it will be a very good use in this situation. Iam tired guessing what they truly want from me. And Iam tired of never becoming what they want. It's been prety hard for me that I cant apply for my dream job. I just want people to be supportive so I can keep going with head held high. Now what's left is doubt and dissapointment, for loosing almost everything I hold dear in my heart, my dream and people I call home. The battle is hard and long. I dont know how long will I hold up before bursting into bubbles of anger and sorrow.

It's just a pity that what I think can be forever turn into a tsunami of needles in my chest.

Look What I've Found

So here is what I learnt during my first 30 days of working at a Prestigious Public Corporate:

1. Iam mastering the art of sleeping everywhere including at the powder room, in the middle of a meeting and while you munch your lunch.

2. Human(s) are messed up. No. Their MIND are MESSED UP.

3. Messed up minds are contagious.

4. Not everyone understand what kindness means.

5. Time is precious when you realize that you are spending it doing something you dont really love.

I know a long time ago that life will never be fair and easy. Yet here Iam trying my best to find lilttle things that make life matters more than Hi-Tech mobile phone and fancy dinner. And I know as well that people will (try to) drag you down into a Black abbys of Negativity just to make things harder, for the sake of a quote "Nothing worth having comes easy". Really, people should stop quoting and start living a real life.

Just to keep things balance, these are what I cheerished for the last 30 days:

1. Iam having a job at a very Prestigious Public Corporate. Duh, hahaha.

2. Meeting an interesting friend or two. Still needing further observation.

3. I earn my own money which is pretty cool.

4. Iam getting real good at sugar coating words. I believe it's gonna be a super usefull skill in the right time and situation.

5. Even after all of the sadness and negativities and the helpless night I've been through, Iam still holding tight to what I believe in. Iam still very much grateful for what I have and who Iam right now. Life can be worse but Iam healthy and my tummy is full of love. My family is here with me. There are a lot of things I should be grateful of. So yes, my boss probably sucks but hey, weekend will always comes along. No worries. Well, you can be on Monday. Hahaha.

"I know that you worry a lot about, things you cant control. There's so many things we'd like to have, but we just cant afford. So, You've got to be kind to yourself..." --- She & Him

PS. It's not a quote. In my defence, it's a song lyrics. They are not the same. Period.