Have you ever look into someone's eyes so deep you get carried away? That someone is a familiar face, a person who's always by yourside. That person always around, playing, laughing even listening to your every sad story.
That day was different. It's the longest we'd ever been gone not meeting each other. What's going on? A lot, yet nothing at all. It was felt like a pause, a moment we were away from each other's life to be part of somebody else days. I honestly terrified. What if you got really comfortable not seeing me? What if, it's actually so easy to replace my presence in your days? What if, it's okay for you not to have me around anymore? It'a a long and upseting month for me, talking about my mental state. And I kept guessing why didn't you call me already, that led me into another pool of imagination and broken heart. I didn't want to find out, those possibilities I mentioned were actually happening.
So I called, on one hot day in October, when I couldn't think of anything but loosing you. I called, cause I'll be leaving town for a while. I guess, when I come back from this trip later, I can come home to your accompany. And you were fine there, across the wire. You laughed, you made joke. You were there as if nothing happened. I wasn't satisfied, yet. So I asked you out for lunch. That's when I realize that precious thing is fragile. It takes one move to tear down what I have built with you over the past 8 years. I have to say that seeing you after quite a while was like meeting someone for the first time again. I was nervous. I hoped I didn't screw up, that's what I thought. Then again, you were your usual self: laid back, casual, hungry. Did I imagine things? I didn't think so. I knew there's something, I just felt like you probably brushed it off your mind, that's just how you rolled. While here I was, on the other side of the pole, the usual emotional wrecking ball. I'm basically breathing feelings, that's how I roll.
There's probably only one thing I wanted to make sure on that meeting. I wanted to look in your eyes and saw it for myself that we're okay. So I did. I forgot how dimentional it was to look long and deep into somebody's eyes. I forgot that it's a journey, like diving into the ocean, while wondering whether your own eyes playing tricks on you. We were fine, really. Or at least that's how I felt when we met again. I felt extremely relieved. Finally, I could breath air. You were wondering whether I was initiating a staring competition, but I laughed it off. I didn't want to sweat it anymore. It's enough for now.
Later that night I was still thinking about that meeting. How desperate I was for a certainty that I didn't want to set my eyes off you. I was looking for honest answer inside. I also realized that I might take you for granted, that when you're away, I got frustated over what I did wrong so you ditched me for the whole month. But I think, of all the thoughts scatter in my mind and feelings break in like a wave in my chest, all of this look in to your eyes business was just a crying for help. I don't want to loose you in my life, it's too terrifying. I think, it's a way to help myself feeling alright again, it's probably has exactly nothing to do with you.
Well, I'm glad that we made up. That's the whole point of this rambling haha.
