Conflicted

The most asked question I addressed to myself for the past 3 months: How do things become this way?

I do feel lost. It's like forgetting how you get tangled in some mess. Then I will trace things down, chronologically. I will look deeper on the reason and the reaction. Does it make me understand my feelings more? Yes and no. Guess at this point, I really can't differ the good and the bad. Everything is a great storm of personal feelings. I watched a Korean Drama last night, one of the character said that the only creature couldn't differ good or bad are humans. Heavenly creatures, on the other hand, wouldn't have the same issue. So we are basically doomed from the start haha.

It's funny thou. If there's anything I am so sure of, this life we live in is more like a comedy night rather than a spiritual journey. Things always change, for the better or worse. People always change, kinder or greedier. Holding on to your faith is so very hard, even though we've been through hell's fire and crocodile pit to reach that high. You can be swayed. Or at least, I can be. I don't know things anymore, that's what I keep whispering to my self.

Last month, I decided to find my self a therapist. I felt like I need one. So bad. I couldn't control my emotions anymore cause the peak and bottom messing me a lot. I feel miserable inside, while putting a good front outside. That made everything twice harder by the way. But I knew I couldn't say anything to anyone, yet. I took my time. But finding a therapist was no easy job. First, the scheduling. Second, the fee. Third, I was trying to find someone that was out of my circles. I haven't found one up till now. And I keep relapsing to this hollow feeling. I wonder will I ever truly be okay again hmm.

On a more positive note, I went to an unplanned trip last week. Alone. I didn't expect it gave me a refreshing air, in the midst of the unstable mental situation I'm in. It felt good to sleep alone, picked my guilty pleasure for dinner and skipped bath. It felt good to have space to rearrange stuffs in my head. It felt good to wake up not by the noise of alarm and the first thought was "I'm truly happy I'm alive". I was so grateful that I was about to cry. I didn't thought I need it a lot. I guess, I was saved by god, one way or another? I did feel he's close by.

I'm walking on a thin thread here. I know the ones that keep me from falling are my friends and family. That's why I try to talk to them as much as possible, as much as I feel comfortable discussing about. I feel extremely grateful that now I have a solid support system, one that I believe has stronger bonds, so I can rely more on others rather than piling everything on my shoulder.

I believe, this is my strenght now :)