Daringly Quite

So I've been gone from Instagram for almost a year. For the last 9 months I forced myself to stay quite, to keep most of the things for myself and my closest family. At first I thought of going for only a month or two, but then I found myself keep pushing it back. Here I am 9 months later, feeling like I finally leave a party I don't want to be part anymore.

The past month has been the most interesting for me. Several friends I know from Instagram chat me on whatsapp. They said they noticed I've been gone for a while. Some were genuinely concern, they thought something unfortunate happened. Some were more casual and curious. Some others were too shy to contact me directly and prefer to asked around. At that point, I find it really amusing. For me, never before people noticed my existance. In my mind, I'm that kind of person you will just pass by the street without turning your head twice. I'm not someone who leaves great impression on the first meet. By the time the night ends, you might have forgotten my name and my face. So it is amusing for me, knowing that I'm probably not the person I thought I was. Or I'm probably no longer that person I thought I was. I changed. I left impression. They remember my name.

Since going under the radar for the last 9 months, I get so comfortable not being seen by people. Not to mention that wearing mask is the new normal, so you will see my face even less. It feels truly liberating for me. Probably it is caused by my mental image of being judged by my appearance, the level of success, the people I'm friends with, they grew less too. I feel like experiencing the early 2000 again, when your life was yours to own, not the gram. You know, all of those thought were the product of my own mind. But I can't deny the various lifestyles I had for the last 10 years shaped most of them: those lifestyle choices were made mostly to fit in with people I wanted to please.

I think I'm not going back anytime soon to Instagram. It grows too crowded for me. But today I have a thought that persistently provoke my nerve. Instagram has been a place for us to meet and connect with others from around the world. If I'm leaving, does that mean I'm going to live my life lonely? Will I miss all of the fun stuffs that we know only happen in there? Will I be old fashion? Can I go back there and keep my state of mind? Will I get tempted to just follow the crowd? If I'm no longer putting myself out there, will they forget me?

I really like how life goes now. It's a small pond which I've been super selective with. I like that I know every single one and I don't have to worry about their judgement, it's out in the open. However, I do wonder how are things beyond my own garden, thou stepping out always makes me feel like being eaten alive in the wild.