One of Those Mornings

 

My mom once told me that the older I got, the clearer it would be to differ the bad from the good. I believed it. I saw growing older, turning into an adult, meant you had everything figured out. You held your values firm, you had your mind resoluted, you had this map of what would you do in life you basically traced it to reach the finish line. And you wanted to be a good person. That's a good foundation, right? You just wanted to be good so everything fell after was in the work of achieving that.

Then I arrived in a phase where that idea was not 100% accurate, causing a spiralling mental, a disruption of believe and later, an erupting anger for the elders who seemed to simplify what it was to grow up. I was prepared for a straight lane: good degree, a career and white fence house. No one groomed me for a thunder storm. I was caught by surprised. Then spending most of my 20s cursing the north star.

I was angry. I felt as if I got deceived real bad.

I wrote about this narrative for almost a decade now. You can always track them to my old posts. I wrote a lot of Is here, but that's simply the sole purpose of this medium. For me to get angry. Because I don't get to do that in real world. Call it cowardice or probably, despite all the catastrophy, being awfuly considerate roots deep in me to the point of swallowing the lump back inside instead of nastily vomit it out. I don't get to get angry here. I tried. But there's always justification for treating me such, and never enough damage to actually see me as a cripple. I didn't want to make the enemy of a noble cause, so I dug a pit to hide a part of myself.

I am angry. Sometimes.

This morning I woke up to a serene silence, which envelope me like a fetus with a fear of getting flushed out to the real world. I had it good, peaceful, slowly groove to do my cores. The day was still, as if waiting for me to be ready to join its stream. I was feeling nothing in particular, actually got carried a way with the currents of my thought, then......the anger hit me. Slowly, waking up from its corner, then.....red flamming and thighten chest. I got sucked, or probably I've surrendered already from the beginning of it arised.

Still, not good enough to say I am crippled.