The First Day of Summer 2020: Prelude

I've never felt more like an adult right now. Before, I saw my self as a girl who desperately hold on to innocence, while navigating her appearence as a young adult. It's a double life kinda thing hahaha. But this minute, this day, this moment, I feel like I'm officially an adult.

I stop fighting the reality, in a way that denying this life is not the one I choose to live in. I realise I tend to swiftly shift the blame to the society: my family, my friends, my environtment, those failed romances. I always find a rational reason to think that whatever I do, it's chain reaction to their action toward me. I always think I'm on the victim's end, which is true at some point but now it's just not the case anymore. Right now, I myself refuse to be in that position.

Every single year, I pray for the same thing: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. I'm so fixed to make as fast progress as possible, leaving no room for a set back or failure. Leaving no room for my mind to process my growth. I just want to arrive at my destination as soon as possible. So when I crashed and burnt back on December last year, I was grey ashes blown by the wind. I lost my way, my purpose and my energy. I was completely an empty shell.

All the confusion I experience in the past 4 months has brought me here. A total awareness of how I have full control my own story. I feel like right now, it's crystal clear to me that I own the power to break down and pick myself up again, with or without people's approval. I finally understand that validation is overated, respect is not the currency and acceptance is for you to give to yourself, not from others. I make peace with uncertainty and decide to build my day on a yoga mat and smile.

In the last 4 months, I've been learning how to start accepting disappoinment in my life. I want to understand that it happens for a reason or two. I want to be able to feel upset and sad, accepting it as a feeling, not unchangable facts. I want to be comfortable feeling that way and I don't have to beat the shit out of anyone, not even myself. Then, when I'm done grieving, I'll let go. I'll let go to empty some space, so the new journey can come in and reside with me. This cycle will rotate for the rest of my life. And I'm fine with it. Finally.

It's funny how my own good intention trapped me in a tiny box. I forgot that if a door closed, there would be other doors I could try to open. I just needed to step back to see the bigger picture. I still pray the same thing this year: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. But this time, I accept whatever coming my way, the good and the bad. I'll keep the joy and take my time to let go the sadness.

This realisation unlocks a brand new chapter for me. Being adult is not bad so far.

Subtle Happiness

It's been quite inside my mind. Which is rather a surprise for me. I don't particularly feel anything, but I'm aware I've been watching out my stream of thought, as it goes up and down and probably in between. I'm fine. I don't think it's necessary to conclude anything from this stand. I just want to lay facing up the sky, let the flow carry my body as far as I let myself be. I just want to be here, right now, telling myself to stay still and enjoy the day.

My life has been good. I finally find back my rhythm. I'm happy cause I can sleep early and wake up feeling rested. I'm happy cause I'm back practicing yoga. I even challenge myself to do 15 minutes morning walk before work. It works magic on me, since I have sometime to process my thoughts before starting my day.

I also reliase that I talk in more honesty with my friends. I'm opening up, little by little, showing my true character. And to my surprise, their atittude don't change toward me. They probably know who Iam all along hahaha, but it's me who hadn't got it back then. This feels freeing. I feel like finding puzzle that matches my edges. It's nice to have friends.

Work has been so enjoyable. Being in the new team, I have no issues fitting in with the people. Basically because they're just like me haha. I can't stop feeling grateful for this opportunity. Truly. I say it to all of my friends, yet I feel it's not enough.

Actually, it feels weird that I find my self being in a good place. Hahaha. Only lord knows what kind of state I was in for feeling that way cause honestly, I didn't quite understand myself. But now, it's as if I have this faith that whatever comes in the future, I will always try my best to handle it. If I bleed, I'll find ways to heal. If I fall, I'll learn to climb back. If I'm anxious, I'll breath.

Possibilities are endless and I'm not deciding on anything, yet. I just want to take in as much as I can. It's just like those sky I trace every morning during m walk: my mind looks spacious and clear.

Then I breath in.

Unplugged

It's been around 10 days since I started a new routine. I got out of quarantine to start a new job, in hope to secure my life financially and to break out of boredom. What I experience so far is more than my expectation. I've been mentaly calm, that's a big relieve. Thou I have to make big change such as waking up earlier and trying to go to bed before 11 PM, so far I can manage to keep up. I feel so proud of myself as I'm writing this hahaha.

Some of my friends heard about my new job. They've been congratulating me, saying that I deserve tha chance I get. I do feel lucky, despite the pandemic and crisis in the country, I get hired to do what I like to do: creating. I'm grateful beyond words. If I do deserve this, I'll make sure to make it worth it. I'll make sure to repay the kind opportunity given by God.

What can I do thou? Hmmm. I guess, I'll start by letting go the anger I keep in my heart. I'll learn to accept that I don't need it to be a stronger person. I'll learn to forget, cause it's part of forgiving: both myself and them. By doing so, I hope I have more space for kindness in my heart. And when God decides to shower me love, I'm ready to receive it gently.