Detachment

I still feel a little off up until these last days of August. Summer is stealing my energy and my spirit, taking them away as the sunny days starting to grow gloomier. I've done everything in my power to restore my mojo, but it seems like it won't go away, this restless feeling. I wonder, do I get bored with life?

August has been tiring. I experienced a lot of new things: dealing with dissapoinment, encouranging my own self when nobody seems to get it, being as professional as I can be when facing client's high expectation, maintaining their expectation, keeping up with time, and so on and so on. I can't seem to find a moment to breath, which remind me with a moment I had in my previous job. The same feeling, the same struggle. I don't know. I think it's just me being tired that I can't really think clearly. That's it. I should have stop thinking for a while, just for a while so my tiny brain can get a break from the fast pace of my thoughts stream.

There's one case that I want to share. I've been stressing out about one particular client lately. Somehow, I can't really find the fun part of working with them. It's strange for me since I can always find one or two fun parts of working with everyone, no matter how terrible the situation is at the moment. But this one, I'm hitting a dead end.

I believe my work is affected by my judgement: that I hate communicating with them cause they seem to always ignore me, I hate them changing plans all the time, I hate them rejecting my proposal and not giving any feedback to fix the problem. It's so so hard to connect and work with them that at one point, I begin to doubt my self. Am I not good enough? Am I not being clear about the goal and how we planed to achive it? Am I, not capable of managing this brand? It's all negativity clouding my mind for a couple of days before I realised that this was not only my responsibilities. If I want to make it work, if WE want to make it work, both parties need to be working together.

I honestly don't know how to make both parties working together. I guess, in this case, I have to detach my personal creativities aside. After several times getting rejected, it's time to surrender and follow the flow. This is not my favorite way of doing my job. But things must be done. And for now, what I think the best doesn't make the cut to their mind.

I come to an understanding that if I'm not happy working with them, it will be reflected in my works. Let's pray that I will solve this matter soon.

Carrie On Monday: Other's Perspective

pic from pinterest.com

This is a video I accidentaly stumbled last week. I was aimlessly browsing through TED playlist when a title caught my attention. I spent the rest of the day listening to several TED's videos that related to this video. Please enjoy this. You may replay it for 2 or 3 times to really absorb the message, just like I did ;)

Summer Appropriate

I've been listening to a lot of Lorde this summer. Love all the tracks from Melodrama, specially this one.

I also super in love with Perfect Place official video clip. I think it's beautiful and completely Lorde: dark, confused, young and fresh. My favorite part of the clip is probably the wardrobe. I. Love. Every. Single. Dress. She. Wears. Lorde is successfully showing her color in her music. I don't mind waiting 3-4 years if she'll produce an album this good, or even better, every single time.

I'm quite sad that the summer is almost over. I didn't get much time to travel and explore. Hoping I can make time later on October. For now, working it is :)

Carrie On Monday: Va Va Voom

pic from pinterest.com

Guess what I've been doing whenever I had sleep deprived last week. It's Period Drama Week! Hopeless romantic mode activated.

It was started with The Duchess, cause I watched Marie Antoinette the previous week. I thought, why didn't I stick with the theme, so I went for another French period drama. Watching Keira at The Duchess made me missing Pride and Prejudice. I kept repeating the part when Mr. Darcy found out that Lizzy was visiting Pemberley with her Aunt and Uncle in my mind. I love love that part so much. Mostly because Mr. Darcy looked so nervous in front of Lizzy hahaha. He's so cute.

After Pride and Prejudice, I watched Ana Karenina and end the week with The Other Boleyn Girl. I was originally wanted to end the week with Becoming Jane but work got so hectic I fell asleep once I got home. The week might be so exhausting, but rewatching all of my precious period dramas gave me the strenght to carry on. All of those movies, aside from giving my sentimental side some entertainment, it also brings out ideas in my head.

After several nights of intense romance, it's finally driving me crazy. Why it is so hard to realise that kind of connection today? Why is it so hard to innocently fall in love, with out any other hidden objectives under the sleeves? All of these ideas are probably related most to Pride and Prejudice, since the other movies have the main characters involved in secret affairs. Why can't I find the va va voom just like the one Mr. Darcy and Lizzy share?

I remember Carrie talked about this once, but I can't remember the episode. I believe she's saying something about va va voom that makes this particular person special, makes him 'Our Person'. This indescribable emotion that keeps two individuals coming back together, even after being apart or having arguments. The irreplaceable feeling he left, as if no one else can fit the missing puzzle in our heart. And our mind in auto pilot, tracing back to our memories together, both the beautiful ones or the sour ones. This va va voom sounds a lot like dark magic work, haha, but that's how it is. Right?

I told myself once that I'm allowed to have a certain expectation when it comes to romance. It's nothing about the superficial features of the lover, more like how I want the relationship goes. But I know that I've been spoiled big time with all of the romance Jane Austen wrote. I know I have a sky high expectation of romance in this current age. I want no less than heart skips a beat when he kisses me, long comfortable silent as we read our favorite books together and dancing underneath the star light. Is it wise to sow in such dreams? Is it wise to keep indulging my mind in this period drama fatamorgana? After all, it's all fiction in the first place. It's never even happening in real life.

I want to believe part of myself, thinking that everything is possible in this life. I'm not sure how long I can hold on though.

Apart, But Together at Heart

A friend of mine told me a surprising story couple weeks ago. It's surprising because I never expected her to experience something like that before. It's either she's putting a good mask or I'm the one who is so insensitive about other people, I don't know which one.

It was starting as a casual talk over dinner. We both had after office hour meeting that day and decided to have a bowl of comforting Lamian and Dim Sum to recharge the energy. So probably, and this is just my opinion, we got so emotional cause the Lamian were so good we started to tell stories to each other. But still, this kind of story, I didn't expect to hear it coming from her.

After graduating Uni, something terrible happened to her family that she was forced to work so hard to help the family financially. By working hard I mean 2 hours sleep at night and meeting marathon during the day. She barely had time to do anything else but working 24/7. It was a inhumanly tiring period she felt like she became zombie: she's not living a 'life'. But she made it somehow. She put the family to a more balance situation and even put her brothers at one of the most prestigious Uni at Surabaya.

Later on she began to get her life back and have some space to breath in between her works. During this resting moment, another challenge came by. Life got a bit comfier after every success she earned. And it seemed that people got to cozy with that. She started to get stress and frustrated at home. Suddenly, what used to be a shelter for her turning into an endless pressure and burden in her chest. She wanted her family to be happy, but she couldn't keep sacrificing her happiness instead. She was confused and angry and lonely. She didn't tell anyone, not even a single friend. She couldn't bring herself to speak ill about her blood. She was trapped inside her head and heart. She was torn apart.

It was only a matter of time until the negativity clouds surround her. It became even more difficult to be around people and not telling a thing about her baggage. She was cornered in such an uncomfortable situation. She was tired. When you are tired, giving up and running away seem to be the easiest solution. Anywhere but home was a better option for her. She even did research and look for a place for her, so she could get a peace of mind for her own. But at the end, she couldn't make it. She told me that at the end of the road, she faced the two options: moving out of the house and getting 100% focus on herself or staying in, holding on and wish for a miracle. She choose the later.

This is starting to look like a prime time soap opera for me. First, you want to go and when you have the opportunity, you back off? What is that about? But her explanation was spot on, right through my heart. "Yes, I can get out and start a life of my own. But between those two options, my hearts always weights back to the fact that not seeing people that are so dear to me, kills me. Just the thought of it makes me sad. I guess above all, this love makes me a stronger person than I've ever known. I just need to be a bit patience and pray harder so they will come to a better understanding about this matter. Here I am today, in a better place than yesterday."

This kind of battle feels so familiar for me. I guess that's why I pretty much understand how hard it must be for her. We'll be facing a lot of crossing road in the future. Some of them, I believe will ask for a bigger sacrifice from us. Whether it is our feelings, our freedom, our understanding, or even our principles. In my friend's case, I think she manage to hold back her ego but not giving up for what she believes is her right. Even though I don't know for sure how much of ego and feelings she had to suppress. At this point today, she becomes more mature and more open minded towards hardship.

The conversation that night makes me think that turns out, I'm not the weird one to face a similar problem just like her. It's something that some of us struggle with, specially because we hit the age when we start to wonder more than ever, about who we are, what we want to be, what we should be, what we must be. I just wish me and her knew that we were facing a common problem and we could be strenght for one and another. Haha, I guess that will surely gives us more courage to face reality and hold on to our believe that the future is a better place cause we fight hard for it.

Truly, we are more similar than we think we are. We should keep spreading kindness and love cause who knows, a simple act of kindness will help the ones who are struggling a great deal.

Mind Blowing

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the series of events that happen in my life. Everything seems to come at almost the same time, making the explotion of ideas in my head, leaving me dizzy cause I can't stop thinking and planning and pondering about them. I have to put it down on my email draft or notes otherwise I will miss and easily forget all of the good ideas.

Another time, I just can't help it but write everything down, just like what I do right now. I'm writting this in the middle of office hour with Arctic Monkey in maximum volume banging my ears I almost deaf. This is the peak, when I feel like things are coming and going way way too fast in my head. How stop this stream of thoughts? No. It's not the right way to address this matter. How to maintain all of this precious thoughts so I can process it one by one without making my head burst?

Living The Moment

Today I learn a new thing. It takes me so long to finally understand this. 

I can see clearly now that the universe always sends us clues, signs and everything in between. When we wonder, it always tries to show us the answer. But probably, we didn't speak its language back then. That's why sometimes we get lost. Most of the time, we feel alone. 

But today I learn a new thing. I learn the language of the universe. It speaks wisdom, kindness and honesty.

And suddenly, my shoulder seems to be less heavy.