Strike One

It's funny when I thought the harder things come to you, the stronger you become. Well, it's not exactly like that for me. I've experienced being underestimated, getting shit thrown onto my face, accused of doing something I didn't do and getting played around so they could benefit from me. All of those, yet up to this day, I still get shock every time it happens all over again to me. Hmm. I thought, I've gone numb, no?

I still get upset, then doubting my self over the fact that bad things happen because I'm not good enough, feeling frustrated on how to fix things up, feeling sad cause I might upsetting my superior, falling down so low to a very dark corner of my mind and scared of going out again in the light for the thought I might screw things up all over again. Sometimes I think my mind won't be able to handle it anymore. The fall is always deep and depressing. I feel like I'm standing on the edge several time and the only thing preventing me from going mad is the thought of these horrible things, these horrible feelings, shall pass eventually. I will be fine again. I will finally feel sick of being miserable and weak, thinking that tragedy is not my destiny. My messy mind will be organised once more and I can carry on until the next storm hits me in the future. I wonder how long I can proceed like that, hmm?

I'm gonna be smarter from now on. I need to be even better at managing my own feelings so I can minimise the mental damage. And I need to learn how to survive alone, just in case I really can't stand the storm, I can jump from the ship and swim to the nearest dry land. That's not a favorite option but a girl gotta take care of herself cause no one does it for her.

You know, I really hope I'm not loosing my way here. Just because things are not being friendly with me, doesn't mean I have to pull the gun out. But I do feel the need of being prepared for the worst. A precautions, a way for my mind to feel save again, a way for me to hold on the good side. This chapter of life won't be like no others.