I guess I'm going to give up on the idea of a stable and peaceful life. And I want to cry so bad, while typing this but I can't cause I'm sitting on a coffee shop full of families on Sunday. I want to cry cause, well, I don't want to give it up. Yet I'm in the understanding that right now is probably not the right time, not the right era, not the right phase.
I always think that my 20s is already wild. Like, it's literally high up to the seventh heaven and down below to the depth of Atlantis. I think, well, I've experienced enough to make me wiser, to make me feel enough. I think I've experience the best and the worst, and I'm ready to settle down to a more harmonious pace. But what if, it's not enough for the universe? What if, it wants you to ride a new high and dive even deeper to the sea floor? What if my version of wild experience is just a prelude for another encounter with destiny? What if, it doesn't allow me to stop, yet?
All of the source of my uneasiness and restlessness are the fact that I'm trying so hard to stabilise my life into a calm and steady river, when I'm actually on a boat sailing off to Bermuda. That's how probably 20s works: never. settle. down. Which is fine by me, I guess. I know I love a good challenge. It's just, sometimes it's hard to go against the flow all the time. It's hard to stood strong when all you want is being a fallen leaves on Fall, just like the others. Is this the reality of my overly romanticising dream? Is choosing what I'm choosing mean I'm not allowed to slack off like everyone else? Or life is simply an intellectual with its own agenda? Is it on my side or a challenger? Will there be a winner out of this?
Come to think of it, I don't think it's a bad thing, truthfully. I mostly disappointed to myself, cause I thought I got it all and voila, I'm here wanting to cry over the hardship I'm struggling right now. I do want to be consoled, to be cheered, to be advised, to be comforted. I feel so alone in this, like everybody else is moving forward to a next level, and I'm still figuring things out. I feel so alone, cause every time I try to talk it out, my friends compare my problem to theirs. I don't think that's fair, cause it's not to be compared in the first place. But I can't blame them, it's probably not the right time to spill my story. Then who can I turn to?
I remember one Carrie's quote that I've posted to this blog,"Why can we be happy for everything that we already have now? Why do we have to concentrate on what we don't have?". I wish I can shout it out to the whole world, so people can take a break for a moment, cherish each other company without comparing or tearing each other on who the most distressed damsel. And I also wish people come to a realisation that SATC is more than sex and broken hearted girls, but simply a guidance to a more understanding life hahaha.
Right now I'm busy thinking on how I'm gonna roll with this new found believe. I give up on one of my goal, but I can't just let it die. Probably I can revisit the idea when I reach 40, when life is getting bored playing with me. Or I probably need to be a little more patience and wait till I reach 50, when my body is no longer keep up with my mind and sight is a beautiful bokeh with a lot of color but never focus on any point. I need a plan for now, and I'm not gonna like most of the possibilities.
I know deep down, there's always one thing I can do, pushing forward no matter how painful it will be. That's always the plan I know by heart.
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