Trancendency

That's it. I just broke up with my 3.5 years job.

Yesterday was Monday and I didn't start my day happily. I woke up to a stuffed nose, dizzy head and under eye bags. The thought hadn't came across until I felt very weak and vomited my dinner, just right before breakfast. And that's that. I'd enough. I wanted out.

The last 2 months naturally was the busiest season of the year. And with all the buzzing, came along stress and sleepless nights. By now, it becomes really clear for me to map out my habit: I get busy, I get tired, I sleep less, I work out harder to channel the stress, I eat recklessly, I get sick, I get frustrated, repeat. It's been a cycle for the past 3 years. At least 2 twice a year I get dragged to this tornado of pursuing passion and make dreams come true. This year, I didn't make it out alive. I wanted out.

The whole year of 2019 had been a rocky road. It hit me hard from the very start then continue to challenge me in every turn. I knew I was a fighter, so I put up with all the shites. I sucked all the uncomfortable feelings cause that's how you grow. I swallowed the pain killer every time I felt like breaking down in tears and gave everything up. Now I can't even say I still believe all of those. I grew tired with the battle. It's a vicious cycle. I wanted out.

So I did. I told my boss I couldn't stay anymore. I wanted out. I looked at her in the eyes, feeling guilty and failing. But my decision was firm. I wanted out.

Top Happy Spa Needed

Here is my blogpost draft from November 18th 2019

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Hi! It's November alreadyyyyyyy. Oh wow, I'm freaking out a lil bit haha. Well, well, what am I doing here? It's office hour and I have this urge to write.

Lately I write less. I don't even write poetry much. I've been busy being worry and stressed, I guess? Hahaha. It's so scary how far your mind can wonder, how much pressure it produces for yourself. I spend most of my time zoning out, there's million things on my mind at the same time, and I keep thinking I have to find the solutions for everything myself. I spend some nights awake, my body is tired but my mind won't shut the freak up. It keeps running through all the things I have to do,    memories from the past, blurry images I once saw. It truly works like a broken record. I spend most of my morning waking up with headache, wishing that I can just skip whatever I have to do and stay at bed, hiding under the blanket. I write less, not because I don't want to. More because I feel, this situation numb me so bad, I have a hard time put them into words.

I feel miserable and uninspired. I hate feeling that way. Which only makes me hating myself for being in this state. The thought of being incapable of controlling my own self dominates me. I'm beating myself out, hard, and apologetically.

Naturally, I will try to find what I do wrong that I end up in this path. But I guess, not anymore? I don't wanna tip toe in between thin glass for the rest of my life, constantly being scare of doing something that may break the glass. This time, if it has to break, then let it break. If I have to build it up from the beginning, yet again, I'll do that too.

All of this worries and restlessness come from a place where I don't believe in myself, my decision, my journey. I've been busy for quite sometimes that I don't listen to my mind and my body. .I should back off and give myself a space, so that I can come back to who I am.