A Baby Step

When I was 15, I always thought I'd figure everything out on my 20s. I'd be working on a fancy job at a fancy building wearing only fancy suit and leather designer heels. Then I hit 24 and I was nowhere near "figuring things out". There are a lot of things happening that make me completely lost it. I feel helpless and stuck. I don't feel good about myself. I keep feeling unsatisfied with how things go out, even though it is going pretty well. Something is missing.

It's funny to look back to my 15 years old self, feeling so sure about the future, being naive and, I don't know, innocent? It always amuses me that I used to think growing up has the expired date. Thoughts like when you hit 25, you're settled every problems, every insecurities, every worries. You find "who you really are", you find "the purpose of this life". I thought all I had to do was waiting for another 10 years then boom, I turn 25, all problems dismissed. End of story.

It's not the end of the story.

Later I find out that growing up means more challenges, more confusing mazes, more pressures, more worries and insecurities. I get stuck more often, I get stressed out every week, I question everything that my brain and mind can barely handle it. I sometimes cry myself to sleep, hoping God help me getting out of this bumpy ride. But no one can save me except my own self.

It's not all bad though. Growing up is liberating and fun. I travel. I try things that my parents probably not happy with (like sharing room with strangers, get drunk and other things I won't ever mention here). It's exciting to finally start living a life I've been dreaming about. Both the good and the bad parts walk side by side, one after the other, fly me up and cut me down in a very good timing, making me hopeless but can not giving it up, yet. All the teases and games, sweet and sour. Yin and Yang. This equilibrium chart I can't seem to escape.

I wonder how I will end up in the future. Will I make it? Will I surrender to the so called fate?

Here I am, sitting in a Kinfolkish cafe, with my friends laughing to each other's funny stories during our time at junior high. I look outside the window and my mind get carried away by the clouds that hanging low. It will probably raining soon. Rainy day always makes me feel hollow. I count my blessings then, just like any other days I feel gloom stuck in my throat and sadness cloud my mind. It's hard to shake off all of these negative feelings, but I'm willing to try anything. 

A  friend snap me out of my bubble, asking me to join a game they propose to play. It's a truth or dare. I laugh. Well, timing is an irony. Really.

 I join the game anyway. After all, I have no other choice but to play along. Or probably, I just want to make things more complicated and interesting by answering a challenge this life addresses to me.

PS: If anyone read this blog, please pardon all of this negativities. I'm going through one of phases where I feel like becoming a stranger to my own self and other people around me. Don't read the writing if you feel it's too depressing. But you can always look at the pictures I share. I always look happier inside photographs.

PPS: I have another story about my recent trip to Bali. I haven't posted my experinces at Seminyak where I found a pretty sunset point. I'll be writing it down this weekend. Writing down a good memory is always fun and relaxing :) :) :)