Self Quarantine

It's quarantine day 7: I'm starting to feel the panic.

There's a lot of things that being my concerns. The fact that covid-19 spreads through human, makes me shiver cause I don't wanna be a carrier and infect those who live close to me esp my parents. I'm not the most hygenic with my stuffs: I often forget to wash my hands and having shower after a long day is always optional for me (depends on how tired Iam that day). I feel like, I have the right physical condition for the virus to cultivate and spread. Now I do all of the prevention: wash my hands, shower minimum 2 times a day, stay at home. Still there's this thought that the virus is somewhere near me waiting to attact.

The city is on its way to a lockdown. Correction, the nation is on its way to a lockdown. A lot of business is postponed or even close for temporary period. But how long is temporary? After resigning  on January, my only income is basically from the event organizer company I've just started to grow. But in this period of time, holding events with large crowd is on the top list of prohibited activity to do. Thus, 2 of my projects are postponed for the time being. We plan to execute them on June, on note that situation is getting better and the pandemic is under control. Seeing how things are now, I just don't have the optimism for that option in the future. The spreading is at peak, not only here in Indonesia, but all over the world. Italia is locked down, several Europe countries are following behind. It's really hard to predict when this all be over. Which can also be translated to I have no income for at least the next 3 months.

Somehow life is still going,  even though we've spent a week at home. Some household have been on quarantine for more that 14 days. My dad is still working and going out. He doesn't have the luxury of handling the business from home. I'm worried sick for him. I go out several times this week and no more than 2 hours. By going out means me driving around town, trying to center my mind again without doing any physical contact with anyone. I consider myself as someone who loves being at home, not meeting anyone and just do my own business. But this starts to drive me crazy. The fact that I have to stay home, not because of my own will, starting to affect my sanity. The fact that I have to break my routine is driving me nuts. And I completely aware of me being all noisy and nagging cause there are people out there trying to save lives or earning some money to keep their family fed, but please let me have this uncomfortable feeling out. So I can get over it and move on to do something that might help the society. Yes, as a creature of habit, this scares me a lot. This forced changes gives me chills. I'm creating a routine specifically to maintain my mental state. I'm scared of going back in the lump again. I've been doing my best to keep the positivity around in this changes. I simply can't shake of the panic that starts to build in.

I realise that in life, there will always be challenges, obstacles that comes not from my internal side, but also from the external. I'm not ready for this one. Will I ever be? I hope so. The longer I walk in this world, the more I understand that uncertainty will follow you for the rest of your life. I give up on the peaceful and stable life I used to dream cause it has brought a lot of despair and been imposible to reach. It's like an oasis in the dessert: a place you want to reach to ease your mind, but never actualy exist in real life. I think it's better to always expect the worst, be it changes or fate or destiny, at least you are prepared for it. At least you are equiped for it. At least you are trained for it.

An Outbreak

Something reminds me of the joy finishing my work well this week. And I can't hide my smile all dayyyy long. This reminds me how I fall in love with creating, how I enjoy every step of the way, how I love witnessing a vision into reality and then, passed as a moment that lives in your memory. The best part is, I'm fully being myself the whole process.

I'd been working on this project since last December. I'd been working this myself. I'd been putting my concepts and ideas and crafts into it. Usually, I'm not alone. Usually there's another person involves that makes me compromise my ideal. Usually, I grow less and less confidence on the way cause the other person seems to be more capable on every aspect than me. But this time, I could handle it well, all by myself. The best part was, I was fully being myself the whole process.

I was dead focused on the day of the project's execution. I was nervous, yet I was prepared for any possibilities: the good and the bad. There's a comic I read last week that talked about a spesific mental state of a person that is so focused on whatever he's doing he can see things in slow motion, he can see things go in second and react faster to it. I'm not on that state, yet, hahaha. It's just, I got the taste of myself being super into something I can control everything without breaking a sweat or being frustated like I usually feel. It's as if I have ten hands connected to my brain, doing all different tasks for me. The best part was, I was fully being myself the whole process.

But I did have ten extra hands with me during the day that helped me making the project quite successful. This might be one of the reason why I felt really really good about the project: the fact that I was not standing there alone, trying to do everything on my own. I handpicked my own team, they worked on my pace and my way, they enjoyed the work and I enjoyed their companion. After the project done, we were all tired and hungry but we managed to raise the glass and congratulated ourselves for being such a team mate for each others. Moment like that was something I've been missing, a lot. Moment when I felt really grateful for having a team running along with me to the finish line.

Those lonely days I felt through 2019 was me yearning for people who were not only capable of doing their job, but also willing to be part of a long journey to reach the dream: to get to the destination we aim individualy as a union. They say, being an entrepreneur is a lonely battle. It is, but it doesn't always have to be that way. After all entrepreneurship means you can decide on your own stuffs, including doing a one man show or building an empire. Each option carries its own obstacle. I started this project alone then finished it surrounded with some of the best people I know. That's what I choose for myself. The best part is, I'm fully being myself the whole process.

Isn't it funny? I think I lost myself when I decided to quit my previous office. I think I might never feel the joy anymore. I think I'm gonna have a hard time creating again. Here I'm feeling all the love in the world doing the same thing, but on my own wisdom. Fully, deeply, happily myself the whole process. I hope the whole team feel the same as Iam.

Another best: I finally feel like moving forward, bit by bit, with courage, hope and no longer alone.

Something Old, Somehing Borrowed, Something New

I just finished my first ever session with a counselor. It felt strangely calm at first. I thought it’s gonna feel like those business coaching session I had back then; in which I cried a lot after. This feels, like the breaking waves, powerful yet gentle.

She didn't talk much. She responded to what I say in general way, not pushing or passing judgement. I like her for that. I like that she said she’s been through this before, yet my case was something I could only solve my own. I like that she’s not trying to be “the older person” in the room. I like that she listened and admitted that I need help to untangle this and it’s all fine to ask help for that.

I have several things to work on first, before we talk about more complicated stuffs in the future. I will start from the very basic: standing on my own feelings and opinions; trying not to agree with other just to make them happy; believing in my own guts. I thought, well, here I go again, working on the same things all over again. But I find myself having another reason to go on: I’m doing this because I want to make myself happy. I guess, I finally get to the point where I realised things will always end up the same unless I make the change from my own self. And the change will be me feeling happy for myself, me taking a better care for myself, me being wise about my priority in life, me being kinder to myself. That’s a lot about me hahhaa but she told me that it’s okay. For the good and the bad, I’ve been trying to take care others and forgetting that I need to attend to my own needs too. “Isn’t it self centered?”, I asked. No, it’s self love. It’s me being whatever I always am to others: trying my hardest to make them feel happy.

I accept the fact that I need to hear this first, to finally be able to move forward. I have so little confidence in myself to decide this; to decide I’m entitle for TLC too, as much as I want to shower others in it. Being useful doesn’t mean I have to bleed myself dry. Turn out, you can still live and be happy even when you don’t go to war for someone else’s battle.

That 2 hours was the most I’ve ever admited that I was scared, all the time, of people not liking me, of me not being enough to beloved, of me not capable to achieve success, of being left out. It came in a gentle touch, I didn’t even feel overwhelmed by my own feelings. It’s a comforting confirmation, even thou I know I’m in a middle of a storm, that shall pass once I’m set for a new tide.

It’s okay. I will try my best, just like I usually do. But this time, I will also listen to myself.