I just finished my first ever session with a counselor. It felt strangely calm at first. I thought it’s gonna feel like those business coaching session I had back then; in which I cried a lot after. This feels, like the breaking waves, powerful yet gentle.
She didn't talk much. She responded to what I say in general way, not pushing or passing judgement. I like her for that. I like that she said she’s been through this before, yet my case was something I could only solve my own. I like that she’s not trying to be “the older person” in the room. I like that she listened and admitted that I need help to untangle this and it’s all fine to ask help for that.
I have several things to work on first, before we talk about more complicated stuffs in the future. I will start from the very basic: standing on my own feelings and opinions; trying not to agree with other just to make them happy; believing in my own guts. I thought, well, here I go again, working on the same things all over again. But I find myself having another reason to go on: I’m doing this because I want to make myself happy. I guess, I finally get to the point where I realised things will always end up the same unless I make the change from my own self. And the change will be me feeling happy for myself, me taking a better care for myself, me being wise about my priority in life, me being kinder to myself. That’s a lot about me hahhaa but she told me that it’s okay. For the good and the bad, I’ve been trying to take care others and forgetting that I need to attend to my own needs too. “Isn’t it self centered?”, I asked. No, it’s self love. It’s me being whatever I always am to others: trying my hardest to make them feel happy.
I accept the fact that I need to hear this first, to finally be able to move forward. I have so little confidence in myself to decide this; to decide I’m entitle for TLC too, as much as I want to shower others in it. Being useful doesn’t mean I have to bleed myself dry. Turn out, you can still live and be happy even when you don’t go to war for someone else’s battle.
That 2 hours was the most I’ve ever admited that I was scared, all the time, of people not liking me, of me not being enough to beloved, of me not capable to achieve success, of being left out. It came in a gentle touch, I didn’t even feel overwhelmed by my own feelings. It’s a comforting confirmation, even thou I know I’m in a middle of a storm, that shall pass once I’m set for a new tide.
It’s okay. I will try my best, just like I usually do. But this time, I will also listen to myself.
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