Self Quarantine

It's quarantine day 7: I'm starting to feel the panic.

There's a lot of things that being my concerns. The fact that covid-19 spreads through human, makes me shiver cause I don't wanna be a carrier and infect those who live close to me esp my parents. I'm not the most hygenic with my stuffs: I often forget to wash my hands and having shower after a long day is always optional for me (depends on how tired Iam that day). I feel like, I have the right physical condition for the virus to cultivate and spread. Now I do all of the prevention: wash my hands, shower minimum 2 times a day, stay at home. Still there's this thought that the virus is somewhere near me waiting to attact.

The city is on its way to a lockdown. Correction, the nation is on its way to a lockdown. A lot of business is postponed or even close for temporary period. But how long is temporary? After resigning  on January, my only income is basically from the event organizer company I've just started to grow. But in this period of time, holding events with large crowd is on the top list of prohibited activity to do. Thus, 2 of my projects are postponed for the time being. We plan to execute them on June, on note that situation is getting better and the pandemic is under control. Seeing how things are now, I just don't have the optimism for that option in the future. The spreading is at peak, not only here in Indonesia, but all over the world. Italia is locked down, several Europe countries are following behind. It's really hard to predict when this all be over. Which can also be translated to I have no income for at least the next 3 months.

Somehow life is still going,  even though we've spent a week at home. Some household have been on quarantine for more that 14 days. My dad is still working and going out. He doesn't have the luxury of handling the business from home. I'm worried sick for him. I go out several times this week and no more than 2 hours. By going out means me driving around town, trying to center my mind again without doing any physical contact with anyone. I consider myself as someone who loves being at home, not meeting anyone and just do my own business. But this starts to drive me crazy. The fact that I have to stay home, not because of my own will, starting to affect my sanity. The fact that I have to break my routine is driving me nuts. And I completely aware of me being all noisy and nagging cause there are people out there trying to save lives or earning some money to keep their family fed, but please let me have this uncomfortable feeling out. So I can get over it and move on to do something that might help the society. Yes, as a creature of habit, this scares me a lot. This forced changes gives me chills. I'm creating a routine specifically to maintain my mental state. I'm scared of going back in the lump again. I've been doing my best to keep the positivity around in this changes. I simply can't shake of the panic that starts to build in.

I realise that in life, there will always be challenges, obstacles that comes not from my internal side, but also from the external. I'm not ready for this one. Will I ever be? I hope so. The longer I walk in this world, the more I understand that uncertainty will follow you for the rest of your life. I give up on the peaceful and stable life I used to dream cause it has brought a lot of despair and been imposible to reach. It's like an oasis in the dessert: a place you want to reach to ease your mind, but never actualy exist in real life. I think it's better to always expect the worst, be it changes or fate or destiny, at least you are prepared for it. At least you are equiped for it. At least you are trained for it.