Rejecting The Normals

 

Quarantine day 20ish, I'm not really sure myself.

This feels so weird. Days are passing by without any "importance". For me it's a constant repetition of waking up late, drinking my honey water, do a little yoga, bath, food, then do whatever I feel like doing for the rest of the day, which mostly is finishing any manga I currently read or endless scrolling at Instagram, and lastly go to bed around 2 A.M. I don't have any obligation to be somewhere at a certain time or any task to finish. I don't have to rush or squeeze my brain to find a solution for a problem. I don't have to do anything. This, terrifies me to the bone.

I'm curious on what my conselour might say about this situation. Is this my mind and body detoxing the previous habits from my previous "life chapter"? This can be a period where I adapt to the new normal and moving forward to the next stage I plan. Or am I simply hate the freedom I have right now? You know, I used to wish to live in a slower pace, got more time to do things carefully, got more sleeping, decided things my own way. But experiencing it right now, I keep feeling it's not right, like an itch bugging but don't know where to scratch. I can't help but wonder: what if, I don't cut for a slower pace life? What if, for the good and the bad, I naturally enjoy the adrenalin of rushing to reach somewhere, short time limitation to solve bunch of complex issues, the constant deliriusness of being challenged to climb a new high. What if, all of those things, put me in my best condition? What if, all of those things, make me function best?

One afternoon around day 15 of quarantine, the thought hit me hard. I literally stopped doing whatever I did back then. I was dozing off for a solid 3 minutes before the construction work accross my home yanked me back into the present time. My initial reaction was upset. I felt like breaking a rule, yet didn't understand whose it belong to. Was it my own rule? Or was it the society's?

The internet has provided us with a lot of ideas to do at home during quarantine. You can learn how to cook, join online classes of crafting whatever, record Tiktok videos, clean up your space and more ideas to keep you away from boredom and give yourself value added at the same time. I'm not into cooking, I don't join online class cause I hate sitting down for a long time in front of my laptop and I simply not the Tiktok type. The only thing I enjoy is cleaning up, which always be a part of my routine every weekend so nothing new there. It is save to conclude that maybe the thing I love to do the most is working. Other activities are for me to fill during spare time when I get bored of work.

Holy crap. I'm doomed. Lol.

Is this a fact?

Hmm.

In order to answer that, 2 days ago I decided to join a company and work as their creative department team. The office is far, the money is not big, but I feel the urge to move from this current state so whatever. I can't stay iddle no more. This should help me map my mind and put me in a better understanding of what I want to do next. I do hope it's a forward move thou. Oh, fuck it. Even if it's a step back, I will not regret this decision. I just want to roll, experience things then I can plan my life from that point. I desperately want to shake off this hollowness that has been hanging on my shoulder since, well um forever, so I can find my way back to being kind and happy and all the nice things destined upon me.

Hakuna Matata.