Gun and Run

Day 21 of quarantine
Minus 2 days before my first day at the new work place

I feel super energize this Sunday. Nervous yet excited. There are some issues that have been on delayed but really, they don't really bother me much. I'm taking my time here. I work it out somehow.

I've been deattaching from several things weighting down my shoulder. That is probably why I'm in a so much better and brighter state this past week. The process has been frustating and lonely. But after a while I'm starting to adapt with the new found perspective. Then before I know, it's getting easier to do it. Letting them go and trying to stick with things that spark joy, no matter how small or big they are, have helped me cope up and finally start to move on. That's what I aim to achieve right now.

I can say that, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud for not giving up, for resiliently seek solution, for being vunerable in from of people that care. I'm proud for the courage I build despite numbers of breaking down and breaking heart. I was so close to quit if not because the voice that pleaded me to try once again, this time nothing to loose and to expect. Gun. Run. As fast as I can. Where will this lead me? I have several ideas. For now, truly, I'm grateful to arrive here, today.

Good Morning

I woke up this morning with my head still above the cloud, wondering. As I made my way to the kitchen to prepare myself honey lime water, I kept asking, "how are you feeling today?" towards my mind. This habit started right after I resigned from my previous job, an act to check onto my sanity and an observation of the gradual effect a decision could influence my way of behaving and thinking.

There's always this unsettling feeling thou. This one flicker that hangs around the corner of my chest. I learn the best way to clarify is to provoke the affair further. So, as I sipped my honey lemon water, I decided to rewatching Rupi Kaur's Ted Talk. The content always takes me to place where I know I feel safest, almost like being transported to your own santuary the whereabout you keep secret even from your own self. I don't know about other poets, but the way Rupi delivers her story makes my heart warm. That's probably one of the reason why I feel safe whenever I watch it.

After a peaceful 15 minutes, I craved for more inspiration. I remembered Taylor Swift talked about Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk during her Tiny Desk Concert so I navigated to the destination. Turned out I watched it before but couldn't recall what's it about. For the next 20 minutes of her Ted Talk, I couldn't help but feeling calm and hopeful. What she talked about answered most of my unsettling feeling this morning. All of my doubts and worries finally meet a bright light. At least I can now proceed through the rest of my day with positivity. At least, I can now accept whatever happens today, I'll be coming out just fine. Or if I won't, there will be time when I feel fine again.

Just keep checking on yourself everyday, "how are you feeling today?"

Rejecting The Normals

 

Quarantine day 20ish, I'm not really sure myself.

This feels so weird. Days are passing by without any "importance". For me it's a constant repetition of waking up late, drinking my honey water, do a little yoga, bath, food, then do whatever I feel like doing for the rest of the day, which mostly is finishing any manga I currently read or endless scrolling at Instagram, and lastly go to bed around 2 A.M. I don't have any obligation to be somewhere at a certain time or any task to finish. I don't have to rush or squeeze my brain to find a solution for a problem. I don't have to do anything. This, terrifies me to the bone.

I'm curious on what my conselour might say about this situation. Is this my mind and body detoxing the previous habits from my previous "life chapter"? This can be a period where I adapt to the new normal and moving forward to the next stage I plan. Or am I simply hate the freedom I have right now? You know, I used to wish to live in a slower pace, got more time to do things carefully, got more sleeping, decided things my own way. But experiencing it right now, I keep feeling it's not right, like an itch bugging but don't know where to scratch. I can't help but wonder: what if, I don't cut for a slower pace life? What if, for the good and the bad, I naturally enjoy the adrenalin of rushing to reach somewhere, short time limitation to solve bunch of complex issues, the constant deliriusness of being challenged to climb a new high. What if, all of those things, put me in my best condition? What if, all of those things, make me function best?

One afternoon around day 15 of quarantine, the thought hit me hard. I literally stopped doing whatever I did back then. I was dozing off for a solid 3 minutes before the construction work accross my home yanked me back into the present time. My initial reaction was upset. I felt like breaking a rule, yet didn't understand whose it belong to. Was it my own rule? Or was it the society's?

The internet has provided us with a lot of ideas to do at home during quarantine. You can learn how to cook, join online classes of crafting whatever, record Tiktok videos, clean up your space and more ideas to keep you away from boredom and give yourself value added at the same time. I'm not into cooking, I don't join online class cause I hate sitting down for a long time in front of my laptop and I simply not the Tiktok type. The only thing I enjoy is cleaning up, which always be a part of my routine every weekend so nothing new there. It is save to conclude that maybe the thing I love to do the most is working. Other activities are for me to fill during spare time when I get bored of work.

Holy crap. I'm doomed. Lol.

Is this a fact?

Hmm.

In order to answer that, 2 days ago I decided to join a company and work as their creative department team. The office is far, the money is not big, but I feel the urge to move from this current state so whatever. I can't stay iddle no more. This should help me map my mind and put me in a better understanding of what I want to do next. I do hope it's a forward move thou. Oh, fuck it. Even if it's a step back, I will not regret this decision. I just want to roll, experience things then I can plan my life from that point. I desperately want to shake off this hollowness that has been hanging on my shoulder since, well um forever, so I can find my way back to being kind and happy and all the nice things destined upon me.

Hakuna Matata.