Happy Birth Day

 

The message was sent 2 minutes before midnight. I listened to it around 8 o'clock the next day. I felt a bit hazy upon waking up. There were many things popping in my head all at once that I couldn't think of anything at all. The message was the first that I read that morning. A dear friend sent me a 5 minutes voice note in celebration of me turning a year older.

She started with a yawn, telling me she stayed up as late as she could so she would be the first to wish me a happy birthday. She said nearing midnight, the sleepiness was unbearable she decided to message me earlier in fear of doozing off last minute. She said she's grateful to ever meet me. She said she knew I didn't want a long life, I wanted just enough time living, even better passing before old age so I didn't need to go through pain. She understood why I said what I said. So she prayed to God, that if I passed earlier, she would get a chance to meet me again in the next life. Whether as friends or sisters. She said she would also love to have me as her mom, that she would be happy to be my child.

I broke down crying.

It's the nicest thing I had ever heard someone said about me. My past experience gives me so many fear of having long term relationship, mostly because I know how much you can hurt someone "unintentionally" then hiding behind the "I care about what's best for you" mirror. Having kids is one of the thing I put a lot of thoughts on. But there she was, having the confidence to have me as her mother in her next life. She trusts me that much and that is such a big deal for me. It was an affirmation for my own doubt not being good enough to care for someone. I was so deeply happy. The moment she said those words, I felt like doing something right in my life. It was such a powerful force to rose my spirit up. It was love. It is love.

I cried for the next hour. My emotion was overflowing with joy. That moment is such a precious one, such a big love declaration, such a soul comforter. I want to hold on to that moment for the rest of my "long enough" life.

Thank you. Happy summer. I'm happy I got tho hear this when I'm alive.

The First Day of Summer 2023

 

Oooh how I love this time of the year. I'm done with broken heart, so all I want to think about what kind of dress I want to wear the next 365 days. Yes, I've decided, it's the year of pretty dress and pretty drink only. I won't settle for any less, that's the old days.

All the razzle dazzle, all the facades that I put on, still I go back to this little girl who loves sitting in the corner with blanket up to her chin, dreaming of coming home. I decide it's a feeling. I'm currently on a sailing journey, freshly out of another year long catastrophy, freshly wounded, but my shoulder is stronger than ever carrying the gratification. Where is home, it will take a while I think. I tried to build one by my own, but I realized it's a bit lonely. So the outcome will either be finding one or getting numb feeling lonely, whichever comes first. I'm not writing my destiny guys, I'm just living one hopefully to the fullest.

It's funny cause, I'm still fighting the same battle, just different party on the other side. I never thought of myself as a warrior. If I might choose I prefer the princess who get forced to marry some king from the rich neighbouring country. At least I'm allowed to be dramatic or dying tragically. But here I am, lifting the honour above my head, picking the noble way. I always laugh when I think about it. I should just go ahead and fuck my own life, be capital "DONE" with it. Get punished severely for breaking God's law. Somehow I'm here, sailing the sea.

Now, it is funny cause the most sane I am is when I get mad. The more my mind get twisted, the more I feel steady on the ground. That's the sign right? When you cross the bridge to full scale lunacy. When you are so close to loose your shit but still sober enough to call a cab home. The in between, the limbo: neither alive or die. Whenever I open my eyes, I feel the blood rushing to my brain. I remember day and meetings scheduled in the next few hours. I remember feeding my cat, opening the window, drinking water. I remember thinking, "here we go again". Somehow I'm here, sailing the sea. It will be the 31th summer in few days. That's a long time. That's way too long for my liking.

I stop beating myself for thinking that way. On one side, I have great things: loving and caring friends, a good job, enough money, entertainment. I'm healthy, my body works amazingly. But this longing, God, a human like me will end up being eaten from the inside. Well if that's the case tho, at least I dress nicely for the occassion right? I simply cannot see the future from this ship.

I want to apologize in advance for the ungratefulness, if this is how this is. I try. I try with all my might. Happy first day of summer, love.

It's Me, Hi!

 

My brain has been deceiving me all this time! I cannot believe I'm only admiting this now, but I learn over the year that being honest takes a lot of courage, especially when you have to do it to yourself. I was rereading my old journal entries when a thought crossed my mind: did my habit of imagining the worst case scenario for something I was so scared to do was actually self sabotage, because if the outcome would be slightly better than my imagination, I took it as an achievement?

That is a dangerous idea and probably a reason why I'm scared of doing something for my own growth out of the fantasy of failure. I unconsiously decided not to commit 100% into anything during my 20s because I was so familiar with the pain of not getting the result that I want (or the approval that I need). I simply didn't want to be disappointed anymore, I had my share of that feeling when I was so young. I had enough of nursing broken spirit all by myself, while others said I should have moved on. Well, now I know I built on a different pace than those people.

Meeting Rich is such a big help for me in this phase of life. I get so much more confidence of speaking my mind and acting the way I see appropriate for myself. It's another liberation for me, like a breezy afternoon, like taking off your uniform to slip into a comfy pajamas, like I have a chance to actually liking my own version of self. I'm allowed to do as I see fit. It's a perculiar experience at first due to the routine of doing the musts and shoulds. It's rooted deep in me. Shedding that layer takes almost a year and a river of tears. But I can say now I'm starting to get a hold of it.

I want to be brave for myself. I've always been one, but in the expense of someone else's. I think my thirties will be more about the courage of getting to know and accepting the human that I am and what I want myself to be, tomorrow. It's scary to choose this, but I sincerly think it's been a long time coming.