The First Day of Summer 2023

 

Oooh how I love this time of the year. I'm done with broken heart, so all I want to think about what kind of dress I want to wear the next 365 days. Yes, I've decided, it's the year of pretty dress and pretty drink only. I won't settle for any less, that's the old days.

All the razzle dazzle, all the facades that I put on, still I go back to this little girl who loves sitting in the corner with blanket up to her chin, dreaming of coming home. I decide it's a feeling. I'm currently on a sailing journey, freshly out of another year long catastrophy, freshly wounded, but my shoulder is stronger than ever carrying the gratification. Where is home, it will take a while I think. I tried to build one by my own, but I realized it's a bit lonely. So the outcome will either be finding one or getting numb feeling lonely, whichever comes first. I'm not writing my destiny guys, I'm just living one hopefully to the fullest.

It's funny cause, I'm still fighting the same battle, just different party on the other side. I never thought of myself as a warrior. If I might choose I prefer the princess who get forced to marry some king from the rich neighbouring country. At least I'm allowed to be dramatic or dying tragically. But here I am, lifting the honour above my head, picking the noble way. I always laugh when I think about it. I should just go ahead and fuck my own life, be capital "DONE" with it. Get punished severely for breaking God's law. Somehow I'm here, sailing the sea.

Now, it is funny cause the most sane I am is when I get mad. The more my mind get twisted, the more I feel steady on the ground. That's the sign right? When you cross the bridge to full scale lunacy. When you are so close to loose your shit but still sober enough to call a cab home. The in between, the limbo: neither alive or die. Whenever I open my eyes, I feel the blood rushing to my brain. I remember day and meetings scheduled in the next few hours. I remember feeding my cat, opening the window, drinking water. I remember thinking, "here we go again". Somehow I'm here, sailing the sea. It will be the 31th summer in few days. That's a long time. That's way too long for my liking.

I stop beating myself for thinking that way. On one side, I have great things: loving and caring friends, a good job, enough money, entertainment. I'm healthy, my body works amazingly. But this longing, God, a human like me will end up being eaten from the inside. Well if that's the case tho, at least I dress nicely for the occassion right? I simply cannot see the future from this ship.

I want to apologize in advance for the ungratefulness, if this is how this is. I try. I try with all my might. Happy first day of summer, love.