My brain has been deceiving me all this time! I cannot believe I'm only admiting this now, but I learn over the year that being honest takes a lot of courage, especially when you have to do it to yourself. I was rereading my old journal entries when a thought crossed my mind: did my habit of imagining the worst case scenario for something I was so scared to do was actually self sabotage, because if the outcome would be slightly better than my imagination, I took it as an achievement?
That is a dangerous idea and probably a reason why I'm scared of doing something for my own growth out of the fantasy of failure. I unconsiously decided not to commit 100% into anything during my 20s because I was so familiar with the pain of not getting the result that I want (or the approval that I need). I simply didn't want to be disappointed anymore, I had my share of that feeling when I was so young. I had enough of nursing broken spirit all by myself, while others said I should have moved on. Well, now I know I built on a different pace than those people.
Meeting Rich is such a big help for me in this phase of life. I get so much more confidence of speaking my mind and acting the way I see appropriate for myself. It's another liberation for me, like a breezy afternoon, like taking off your uniform to slip into a comfy pajamas, like I have a chance to actually liking my own version of self. I'm allowed to do as I see fit. It's a perculiar experience at first due to the routine of doing the musts and shoulds. It's rooted deep in me. Shedding that layer takes almost a year and a river of tears. But I can say now I'm starting to get a hold of it.
I want to be brave for myself. I've always been one, but in the expense of someone else's. I think my thirties will be more about the courage of getting to know and accepting the human that I am and what I want myself to be, tomorrow. It's scary to choose this, but I sincerly think it's been a long time coming.
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