you steal a star and put it in your eyes

“do you want some cheese burger?”

“at this hour? Really?”

“you don’t have to worry about that tiny waist of yours. It still looks good even if you gain another inch”

He smiled sweetly when he said it. Damn it Romeo. I really can’t tell whether it’s a joke or compliment.

“make it double then!”

“haha that’s my girl. And as a bonus, an up size French fries specially for you”

“you ruin my body.”

“I’ll take responsibility for that later.”

He winked. Gosh. I must be desperate to agree spend the night with him.

“why Romeo? Are your parents super romantic or simply crazy about Shakespeare?”

“hmm. Probably both. I never really asked since I have no problem being Romeo. It sounds good.”

Narcissistic bastard.

“you must think Iam a narcissistic bastard.”

What is he? A mind reader?

“now you think Iam a mind reader cause I guessed it right, right?”

He grins. That’s rare. He looks relax. That’s also rare. Yeah, Iam glad you find me amusing.

“since you know what’s goin on in my head, Mr. Know-It-All, why don’t you tell me what’s inside that great mind of yours?”

“the usual. Work. Charts. Indexes. Who to date this weekend. I can’t decide between Kanya and Amanda. What do you think?”

“go with the bigger boobs.”

“bigger isn’t always better, Jane darling.”

I hate it if he”darling” me. I love the way he says it. So I hate it. Gosh.

“why do you go out with those girls? I mean, they obviously attracted only to your face and money.”

“haha I know but even Iam attracted to me. What’s wrong with that?”

“well, if you’re hoping a romance that lasts through ages, shouldn’t that person love you as whole? 

Your bad and your good, your flaws, even your narcissistic part. You’re just wasting your time going out with those girls. They dont seriously love you.”

“so, you do?”

“do what?”

“seriously love me?”

iam willing to be dragged to you messy life

“you look terrible.”

I just lied. she looks as beautiful as always. even her troubled face..

“I have a shitty day at work. Somehow things just didn’t come out as I wanted.”

“Iam all ears. But my drinks are on you.”

“haha. You are the worst. But yes, I can use you since Iam lonely. Have you ever feel lonely?”

“everybody has. Iam no exception.”

“why, I don’t know. I keep on looking for something. Iam running to all four directions, searching, wondering, questioning. Iam happy with my life right know but I can shake this feeling. It’s like, there’s a hole that no matter what I do I simply cant fill it. I hate it because Iam grateful for what I have in my life but I can help coming back being incomplete. There’s something missing and I haven’t found the perfect match for the puzzle. Iam so lost. And Iam too proud to ask for direction. Iam all on my own. I hate this. I want to be a happy person who wakes up feeling grateful for seeing the sun rises from my window and feel enough by doing what I love to do most. The only thing in the way is this fucking hole, this fucking insecurity feelings. I hate this. I hate this.”

poor little thing. an angel who got tricked by reality. isnt life hard down here at earth, my love?

“why don’t you come to my place tonight?”

..but i cant just leave you alone.

“why do I want to do that?”

“well, you are lonely. I’ll company you to sleep tonight. a good sleep cures almost everything.”

“will I feel complete with you by my side?”

“probably.”

“what if, It doesn’t work out?”

“at least you know that iam out of your list.”

“why, you are so right. And stop smilling as if iam a Juliet, Romeo. Iam not.”

the angel's name is Jane. Romeo and Jane. Not bad..

we are our own drama

no one knows what lies  ahead. we can make a decision, feeling so sure about it even though there's no guarantee it works and the outcome will be what we expect will be. we are all lost. Iam lost. Iam lost in a very big gambling game called life. how does it feel to be lost in your own life? well, so far I feel like an abandoned boat floating in the sea. no direction, no navigator, nothing. I live but it doesn't matter anymore. I have no destination to go and no ones wait for my return. but that's the decision I took. there's no going back. beside, I promise my self not to regret things.

letting you go is really hard. it took me 2 years to arrived to the point Iam standing now. it was a lot of pain. not the kind that hit you hard one time and gone in days. it's a constant amount of pain, everyday, from the first time I realised I wanted to monopolise you for my own. I had been back and forth about this feeling I had for you. I had been thinking and then rethinking again just to repeat it all over again every night before I sleep. I prayed so hard to God for you not to return my feeling. it would be so much easier that way. of course, God had other plans. of course he like to play a game first.

Iam not saying that the time we shared together wasn't a happy one. I was happy. but just like other normal human, we have shadow following us everywhere. that's how it was with this relationship. there's no doubt I often forgot to step on earth whenever i was with you. it's so easy to flew through the sky, touching the clouds, swimming in the pool of sunshine while eating cotton candy. it's so easy to forget that Iam a land creature. I don't belong up there in between the stars. so all I could do was being upset and pissed whenever I had to go back home. why cant the sky become my home? it's so much funner over there and there was you, I didn't need to worry about anything anymore. being with you was like sleeping under the tree on a sunny afternoon someday in June after finishing my favourite romance, probably Pride and Prejudice or even Fifty Shades of Grey. it's perfect. I couldn't ask anymore than that.

life is a series of turning points. sometimes we take a bad one, some time we turn to the good ones. but there's never been a wrong turn cause every decision you take is right, or at least that's how I see things. why? if there is right, there also be wrong right? yin and yang. well, this is probably just my justification towards my selfishness and my way to comfort my self. I don't want to regret anything that ever happen in my life. that's why I tell my self that I cant be wrong. if Iam in a pain, why should I stay? it's fine to be weak and sad and if necessary, pathetic. it's fine if I don't live alongside the moon. it's fine to stop pretending to hate my homeland where I keep coming back after tired exploring the skyline. it's fine. there's nothing wrong about it. there's nothing wrong about admitting my flaws and incapabilities. in fact, they make me stronger. from those bad turns I took, from every monsters I succeeded to hold back, from every fall that made me stand taller, Iam a brand new soul that came out of the hell hole. well, of course another hell hole is waiting for me but still, I survive. I passed the stage one of this (i-don't-know-how-many-more-to-come-in-this-life-)game. round one is mine, dear lord though Iam bleeding and lost part of my heart along the way. it's fine. I still can stand. bring it on.

I wish I could minimise the damage I cause you because I left. you know, I always know deep down inside, even though Iam not around, you'll be just fine. you are a fairy anyway, go grant your self a wish, just like ones you did to me. you just need time and you don't need to rush. fairy's lifespan is far longer than mere human like me haha. believe me, you'll be just fine.

thank you, for letting me experienced a lil bit of neverland :)

on the edge

I've been feeling insecure lately. I space out more often than I usually do, and by the time I hit reality back, I feel kind of disoriented. I even have a hard time recalling what I was thinking about. this is driving me crazy. Iam not even in a relationship, YET with him.

now I fully understand why people can act irrational when they are in a relationship. before, my life was so much simpler with less turbulence. every time my friends told me about problem they had with their boyfriend I could solve it straight away. everything seemed easy and crystal clear that I didn't even understand why in the first place it became a problem. there's always rational answer for every problem my friend came up with. but I kept wondering, why people stay at that kind of uncomfortable relationship where they waste energy worrying unnecessary things and arguing about who to blame for not reminding each other to have lunch. geez. now Iam one of those stupid people. I constantly worry about what to wear whenever I see him or what to say so he thinks Iam not as boring as I usually appear haha. I've never been before, wanting someone to be interested to me. Iam busy thinking what he thinks about me, how to make him ask me out again, how to look smart and funny, yara yara yara. now that Iam reading my last sentence, I get the impression that Iam super desperate about this hahaha.

well, Iam a good pretender so I manage to always look cool and compose. but is it a good thing? to look cool? does he think that rather than cool, Iam as cold as Himalaya's peak? should I just be that girly clingy cute girl type? this is hard. especially because Iam a believer of just-be-your-self. I understand that I have to act honestly and not try to hide my ugly side but still the feeling of being liked or accepted is so big I end up doing what I should do rather than what I want to do. this is hard, to doubt your own self and not be able to do what you really want to do just because you scared. Iam hopeless and confuse.

this is probably why I always hesitant about being close in a romantic way with someone. it's so much funner watching and reading romance that being in it. I mean, Iam crazy about Pride and Prejudice and Romeo and Juliet, I imagine them before I sleep, replaying my favourite scenes over and over in my head because the make me giggle and blush. but never before I have the intention to make it real, like doing such thing in real life. Charlotte Lucas from pride and prejudice is right. not everyone can afford romance. some are born to admire it from a far, wondering how it feels but never really try. I cant afford romance, Iam not capable for one. Iam too stiff and weird that Iam sure no one will ever understand who I truly am. even I don't understand who Iam, what I want in life. all of this uncertainty and restless mind are killing me. I am walking around in a maze that has no exit, yet the pressure is getting higher on every turn I take. now I regret my lack of experience in this field. I hate that things are not under my control. I hate that it's nothing like my imagination. I hate it's nothing like anything from Nicholas Sparks' books. I know I know, Iam obsessed with fiction, ofcourse nothing like that happens in real life.

I found this letter on pinterest. it is such a lovely reminder for those who also lost in confussion like me. Iam probably still far away from finding the one with whom I dont need to feel bad being my trully own self. I just need to keep going. cause eventually, I'll get there :)