25

It's T-29 day before my birthday. And by now you probably notice that I always do countdown.

If you see the number, 25 is quite a big one. 25 is like a check point: you've survived so far and if you ever run out of elixir to save your lives in the future, you can always start again from this point. 25 is like a challenge: can you make it to another 25, alive and sane? 25 sounds a lot like an ultimatum, depends on how you see things in this stage. This number can be a revelation or, can be a burden. Whatever you decide at the end of the day, you need to understand that it's all you. Not your parents, not your friends, not your lover. Cause once you turn 25, you're on your own.

But then, I never take numbers seriously. I don't really care if I turn 25 or 27 next month. I've decided to act as I think it fits, to think as I think it's wise and to always practice kindness and patience in so many level of human social life. For me, I don't necessarily act like a grown up once I hit 25. Why do we force something we don't understand yet into our mind? I believe maturity comes with experiences and lesson we learn, not because we have our 25th birthday.

If you read my older blog post, you'll notice that several times I mentioned Peter Pan Syndrome. I don't know if that syndrome is actually exist. I made up that name because I hated growing up, just like Mr. Pan. I didn't want to leave my Neverland yet. I even named this blog after Neverland, that's how much frustration I was in. I was so sick of my parents that demanded me to act more mature, to see the bigger picture, to be a good role model for my sister and my brother. If acting mature meant I had to give up my diary just because my little sister wanted to read what I wrote, then I would never give up this childish ego.

Funny is, I start to learn that growing up is something natural. Once I stop resisting, it comes with a friendly smile and comforting feeling. My growing up phase has so many faces and names. Some of them are good memories, some of them leaves mark in my heart, some of them are like summer: fun at the beginning and gone as the weather changes. One big realisation I have is you'll get to the point where you can differ who you'll stick with and who'll stay as another contact number on your phone. And again, it happens naturally you won't even realise it's done. How? How come something I was scared to the death becomes something I enjoy so much now? When does this happen? Did my head hit something?

Here is a little perspective from me. I hated growing up cause I was living in a tiny little world my elders created for me. It's small when on the other hands, my mind grew bigger and bigger. That's when I felt the most uncomfortable: cause that small world could no longer hold the bigger me. When I finally decide to step out and put my self out, I find a brand new medium that grows with me. It expands as I learn new things. I'm no longer feel trapped or suffocated. I'm half way to a place I dreamt when I was younger. I'm on my way to Neverland, one that I create my self.

The journey has been amazing. I can't believe that I'm standing here today, feeling independent, feeling like I'm being my own self. It used to look so far. But on the way, I received a lot of strength and courage from  the ones I proudly call family, from a bigger force that is always within me, maintaining my faith. It seemed impossible. But hey, look how far I've made. I should've been so proud to my self for being brave facing the fate, even though the future can only promise uncertainty.

If 25 is a check point, I want to score as much as I can. So I can look back with a little dignity. If 25 is a challenge, I want to answer it with all the best I have, I want to complete it my way. If 25 is an ultimatum, let it be my resurrection. For whoever I was and whoever I will be collide, manifest into wisdom, peace, happiness and kindness.

Tick tock.

Ubud: Zen Town

I got the first flight to Denpasar last Wednesday. As always, I didn't sleep whenever I had the first flight. Simply because I'm a dead man once I go to sleep, and I didn't want to miss my flight. So there I was, red eyes and puffy face, making my way to the waiting room. I arrived 2 hours before taking off. I wanted to snooze a bit but the chair at the waiting room is rock hard and stone cold. My body was sending me signal, it's not happy with me skipping sleep. I was not happy as well. And Starbucks hadn't open yet. Yep.

I wasn't alone. My friend Fifi is coming with me to Ubud. Seems like she gets enchanted to Ubud's charm as well. We didn't talk much while waiting. We were sleepy and hungry. That's enough to make us a stranger to each other haha. 

I miss Ubud. I did mental countdown in my head since 2 weeks ago. As the day was coming closer, I got anxious and excited to the level I almost couldn't handle. Funny isn't it? A trip always makes me giddy and happy. Moreover, this is a trip to Ubud, my Zen Town. It's like, waiting for a first date with your crush. The expectation of having a good time there is sky high. My mind is already wondering through the streets of Ubud, planning where to have brunch, where to watch sunset. I believe I'll be very happy spending my time there. Oh, how I love leaving town for an adventure. I know some people who have the privillage of travelling the world yet they can't enjoy being away from home. Do I envy them? Of course. Do I hate them for hating that privillage? Hmm, I don't know. I guess, I just don't understand why they can't enjoy it. Human always want what they don't have. I prefer to be grateful for everything I have and everything I wish I can achieve. There's time for everything. I just need to practice my patience.

Good lord my flight didn't get delayed. The weather was so fine. I could watch the sun rised higher as the plane crossed Selat Bali. The cloud was hanging low and far down, paddy field rosed in green and gold. I took it as the universe blessings. Thank you for letting me had an enjoyable ride to Denpasar ;)

Stepping back in Ubud's ground feels so familiar to me. I know this town. It's my forth times here and I feel like I'm getting to know it better in every visit. But then, I always find new path, new corner, new shops everytime I come here. Why Ubud, you reveal so much yet you leave some space blank for me? What are you trying to say?

How Does It Feel to Fly Solo, Harry?

Never been a fan before.

I have to say that his first solo single sounds nothing like my expectation. I thought, he'll go all Zayn. And I never thought his voice is that good. I was wrong.

I love The Sign of The Time more than I want to. The video clip, in my opinion, is beautiful. It reminds me of  Peter Pan so much. I also love the depressing note on Harry's voice. So beautiful, so raw, so fragile, just like a coming of age teenager (is he?). I enjoy this single a lot. I listened to Sweet Creature too, but it doesn't have the same magic as The Sign of The Time. Again, it's just my opinion.

Going to my fave city on earth in less that 24 hour. So. Excited. I. Can't. Sleep.

A Bit of Wisdom

I’m looking back from time to time, for the shake of self reminder. Meeting my friend that day was a major throwback. We talked a lot about “I used to..” “you used to..”. Suddenly we realise, almost everything we used to be is gone, replaced with a lot of new me, new you. What stays are memories. And revenge, maybe. Haha.

Changing is not a bad thing. When you are a the point of looking back to measure how far you’ve gone, you’ll understand. It’s about necessity. We need to change, it’s part of growing, developing, maturing. It’s not the situation, the fate, or even our parents that make us do it. It’s our self that pushes us to, because we sense the need of adapting, surviving.

Wrapping up the afternoon by having penyetan as dinner. It was a really lovely afternoon.

Carrie On, Monday: Needs

pic from pinterest.com

Relationship is complicated, because it is born from the mutual need of each other's presence. But needs change over time. Can we accelerate together? Can we somehow, drug our mind to keep this mutual feeling going?

I'm not gonna speculate anything this time. It's just a sudden thought that hit me really hard, I stoped doing anything I did at that time. So here is one of the answer I've been looking for. This is one of the reason why I have a small inner circle. I keep close my favorite people, ones whose presence are one part of my daily need. Their thought of my decision matters for me, their approval of something is one of my deliberation. 

This is also one of the reason why I don't feel the urge of finding a future husband (when you reach 25 years old, you no longer do "boyfriend" here. It's all about marriage). I pretty much capable of doing anything in my own power. I am, independent, so steady of being solitary. I'm so good of being on my own. Which is scary cause, does it mean I will never need a husband? Geez, why am I being all confused about all of this? Of course I need a husband, if I ever wanted a kid or two. I can't impregnate my self, that is out of question. HAHA, I can be really stupid sometimes.

I think, that's the cue to end this post.