25

It's T-29 day before my birthday. And by now you probably notice that I always do countdown.

If you see the number, 25 is quite a big one. 25 is like a check point: you've survived so far and if you ever run out of elixir to save your lives in the future, you can always start again from this point. 25 is like a challenge: can you make it to another 25, alive and sane? 25 sounds a lot like an ultimatum, depends on how you see things in this stage. This number can be a revelation or, can be a burden. Whatever you decide at the end of the day, you need to understand that it's all you. Not your parents, not your friends, not your lover. Cause once you turn 25, you're on your own.

But then, I never take numbers seriously. I don't really care if I turn 25 or 27 next month. I've decided to act as I think it fits, to think as I think it's wise and to always practice kindness and patience in so many level of human social life. For me, I don't necessarily act like a grown up once I hit 25. Why do we force something we don't understand yet into our mind? I believe maturity comes with experiences and lesson we learn, not because we have our 25th birthday.

If you read my older blog post, you'll notice that several times I mentioned Peter Pan Syndrome. I don't know if that syndrome is actually exist. I made up that name because I hated growing up, just like Mr. Pan. I didn't want to leave my Neverland yet. I even named this blog after Neverland, that's how much frustration I was in. I was so sick of my parents that demanded me to act more mature, to see the bigger picture, to be a good role model for my sister and my brother. If acting mature meant I had to give up my diary just because my little sister wanted to read what I wrote, then I would never give up this childish ego.

Funny is, I start to learn that growing up is something natural. Once I stop resisting, it comes with a friendly smile and comforting feeling. My growing up phase has so many faces and names. Some of them are good memories, some of them leaves mark in my heart, some of them are like summer: fun at the beginning and gone as the weather changes. One big realisation I have is you'll get to the point where you can differ who you'll stick with and who'll stay as another contact number on your phone. And again, it happens naturally you won't even realise it's done. How? How come something I was scared to the death becomes something I enjoy so much now? When does this happen? Did my head hit something?

Here is a little perspective from me. I hated growing up cause I was living in a tiny little world my elders created for me. It's small when on the other hands, my mind grew bigger and bigger. That's when I felt the most uncomfortable: cause that small world could no longer hold the bigger me. When I finally decide to step out and put my self out, I find a brand new medium that grows with me. It expands as I learn new things. I'm no longer feel trapped or suffocated. I'm half way to a place I dreamt when I was younger. I'm on my way to Neverland, one that I create my self.

The journey has been amazing. I can't believe that I'm standing here today, feeling independent, feeling like I'm being my own self. It used to look so far. But on the way, I received a lot of strength and courage from  the ones I proudly call family, from a bigger force that is always within me, maintaining my faith. It seemed impossible. But hey, look how far I've made. I should've been so proud to my self for being brave facing the fate, even though the future can only promise uncertainty.

If 25 is a check point, I want to score as much as I can. So I can look back with a little dignity. If 25 is a challenge, I want to answer it with all the best I have, I want to complete it my way. If 25 is an ultimatum, let it be my resurrection. For whoever I was and whoever I will be collide, manifest into wisdom, peace, happiness and kindness.

Tick tock.