First Day of Summer 2017

Today has been amazing thanks to everyone who kindly sent their prayer and wishes for me. I can't help but smiling every time a message coming in, wishing me a happy birthday. Receiving that message alone is happiness for me.

It's not my usual June 21st today. It was raining hard this morning, which was ironic, cause it supposed to be the first day of summer. Never before it did rain on my birthday. It's always sunny and bright and especially hot here in Surabaya. I actually was a bit happy. I love rainy morning. It's just a perfect temperature to hide under blanket while letting your window opened a little, so the falling rain can lullaby you to the dreamland.

***

I recall my birthday last year. I was angry and desperate and hopeless. I was in a bad place where I felt like I was ambushed from all direction by reality. I hated my job. I had a big fight with my mom. I was lost and felt so alone. I was hurt, I was broken hearted. I was crying so ugly at the corner of a coffee shop because I felt like it was too much. Too much for me to understand, too much for me to handle, too much for me to let go. It was one of the time when all I could see was darkness. I was stuck. I was blinded by sorrow. 

It's another turning point, as I decided to change my own destiny. Long before my 24th birthday, I decided to quit the job I hate and started something new. Something I always want but somehow, I got hesitate in the middle and ran back to the comfort zone. Something I was scared of, but couldn't bring myself to quit dreaming about it. It takes me 3 months thinking about it thoroughly, cause I knew this would change everything. I had to be brave, since I put everything on the bet. I put my future on the bet. I wished I shouldn't have to make a hard decision like this. I wish I had enough with what I had back then. But I kept starring out of the window during the day, my mind couldn't stop wondering far from the cubicle I sat. There's a point where my dreams gave me an urge to wake up, wake up and start running to the distant reflected in my eyes. That's when dreams became a need. Ignoring that need only brought me more pain in my chest. So I woke up and started running.

I force myself to keep running towards the goals I set. It's funny cause the further I run, the easier it feels. Things do change, thank God for the better. It was hard at first, specially during the transition time. It was hard because it's not only me adapting to the new environment, everyone around me was adapting too. I realise it's not just about me, cause as I grow, people around me also grow with me. They needed time as much as I did, probably even more. So I gave them the only things I could give: time and space. And I give myself the best thing I could give: faith.

***

When I recall today one year ago, I can see the heavy cloud surrounded myself, sending storm after storm to test my faith. It was hard, I know I repeat this million times already. Will it be easier now for me? I don't think so. Life never gets easier. In fact, it always go harder to the point where we think we can't handle. But that's the thing about human's mind: it's not always true. When we think we can  no longer handle a challenge, that can be a cue for us to remind ourself that we are stronger than what our mind think we are. We have the ability, the only thing standing in our way is ourself, our mind.

When I recall today one year ago, I can only imagine me thinking about a future full of sorrow and pain. I can imagine myself thinking this state will last forever. Little did I know, things are so much different today. Little did I know, I can be happy from the deepest corner of my soul. 

Here I am today, a quarter century later, feeling so much better about who I really am. I feel like I'm finally embracing myself, start correcting my bad habits one at the time, start loving how I look when I wake up, start respecting the ideas I have, start listening to how I feel inside. I feel like I'm starting to find a solid ground to stand. And I have all my friends to thank to, for being supportive and loving and caring. I have to thank my family for fighting with me, even though we have different way of handling problems and challenges. I have to thank all of the Uber/Grab/Gojek drivers who have been source of inspirations and motivations through their stories. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to meet new people and to visit beautiful places. I'm grateful for being inspired everyday by little acts of kindness around me.

I'm so proud of my 24 years old self who braved the unknown and gave myself a chance to be who I am today. When I look back, I can't help but feeling happy, 'cause I feel I'm growing closer to the person I wanna be.

Jump, take that leap of faith. Do not look down when you cross cause it will look terrifying. Look in front of you, to the horizon that feels like infinity. That's how much possibilities in life is waiting for you.