A Grateful Heart

I am on my way to The Breakfast Club, a project I inisiated with my friend Merli when I'm passing the building of my former job. I begin to think how lucky I have been. Back then I was a bird in a cage. I sit at my cubicle but my mind wondered as far as I can, traveling the narrow road of Ubud or imagining the sea salt scent as I sailed around Komodo Island. I used to look outside the window, way too long. I imagined how good it felt to feel the sun in my skin, how good it felt to be somewhere doing something exciting, meeting inspirational people, sharing silly stories.

Now I have pretty much any chance to make that happen. It's no longer only in my mind. I can actually be there. I can go and explore. Of course with great power comes great responsibilities. And higher challenges. But thinking about me having this chance is sending me to 7th heaven, no matter how hard the path will be.

It's surely one of the greatest feeling.

Stuck on The Puzzle

What is that again, when you have absolutely zero idea what to write in your blog?

Coffee Talk: New Found in The City

One day, I found love in the bottom of my Latte cup. The gentle nutty notes, the air light milk foam. Everything glides easily in my tounge, leaving a pleasant after taste, and warmth in my chest.

One cup, and you'll never feel the same anymore.

A Landslide

Is it weird if I always hang out with the same people every week?

When I see my friends' instagram, they seem to have like billions of friends to hang out with. Monday with A and B, Wednesday with C, D, E, F and G, on weekend they go out of the city with H, I and J to watch the sunrise. Meanwhile, I hang out only with 3 of my best friends, any time anywhere, it's always that 3 person. I'm starting to wonder, am I not having enough friends?

Back on high school, I had this goal to make new friends, at least 1, every month. I think I was doing pretty good. I used to go out with a lot of people on Saturday night. I knew this guy and that girl. I went to school parties and came home past midnight. It was fun and glitters.

When I was in college, I met a whole different circle. I was struggling to fit in, cause me and them, we rarely had common interest. I was still carried away with my lifestyle in high school, and I think I made a wrong impression by doing so to my new college friends. Even after a while, I didn't think it's going well between me and the entire class. I don't think I was the only one who struggling, for sure. It's just, I felt like an alien to them. So I decided to pull away even further. On my 2nd year, I finally found a group that I felt comfortable with. We hung out together, we did our paper together. I even introduced them to one of my best friend from high school, so we could have fun together. But things didn't last for long. Later I found out that some of the people at my new group were taking benefit from our friendship. I didn't think it's something that would disadvantage me in a bad way or so. I just felt like being betrayed, that they had other motif to be friend with me. So once again, I pulled away.

I can't really trust new person. Mostly because I don't want to go back to the sour experience I had in the past. For the last 5 years, I've been keeping my inner circle small. My best friends even mock me that I have no friend left if they decide to leave me. Haha. It's funny because it's true. Sometimes I wonder, should I give in to new people in my life, letting them be part of my story.

As we grow older, it becomes pretty hard to find a friend. I have lot of clients, I have hundred of contacts in my phone book. But mostly, we know each other cause we have business relation. Or even if I find a good folks, they already are busy enough starting a family, raising their child, making a living, bla bla bla. 

I'm happy with my circle right know. They are my comfort zone, my support system, my safety net. I just feel insecure cause one of them is getting married in 3 months and move far away from here. When everyone is going and moving, will I literally be left alone?

Carrie on, Monday: Simple Math

Most of the time, I feel like I'm not suitable to write about love. I haven't even dated a guy, not even once. Almost dated one but, it went out real bad. Talk about my love history, it seems like I always meet the wrong guy. Why wrong? Because non of them were genuine. Super sad face.

All the lessons, all the confusion, all the disappointment, I believe won't go to waste. As I'm a person who have a hard time forgetting something that hurt my feeling, I take notes of all my mistakes. I'll be stronger and smarter so some guys can't just stomp on my feeling. I'm not interesting on playing their game. I found out I never wanted to get tangled on something that had no future value.

People has their own math. For Carrie, it's a bit of Chanel + Manolo x (cosmo + rebound guy) = moving on. For Samantha, shopping spree and Rodeo St + splashing wine in his face + spreading bad rumours about him on his neighbourhood = second chance. Charlotte is morning run + high maintenance puppy = a new beginning. And last but not least, our Miranda is good with TiVo + Chinese food = forgetting about the father of her child, for awhile.

Mine? I want to write down Love - Understanding = Leaving. Or probably something like coffee + books + all of my period drama favorites + Klenex to get over a heart break. But I don't want to decide on how to mend a broken heart before I actually have one. I feel weird just thinking about it haha. Probably, I will go all cray cause it's my first heart break. Probably, I get over it as I take a bath before bed.

Whatever happen in the future, I guess Carrie and I don't have to worry too much. We have the girls, our support system. Just like a safety net, they'll keep us from hitting the ground, and bounce us back to the air.

Warming Up

Another month another hustle. April is the beginning of busy weeks before two of major celebration at Indonesia: Ramadhan month and Lebaran Day. Things are going really fast pace, so fast that I haven't fully proceeded anything and it's already passed me by. I'm so nervous about being overwhelmed and confused about the high season. So so nervous. I wish I'm not screwing things up. Fingers crossed.

There's also another thing I learnt this week. As I get a better and clearer understanding about this job and the environment, I begin to have a perspective about my future: what I want to do, what I want to be. Seems like my detox week worked well for my mental health hahaha. It's almost a full year in my current job. I concluded my first 6 month as adapting and celebrating a new beginning. On my 2nd semester, I'm starting to focus on some goals I have planned. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Challenges are getting higher everyday, paperworks are as high as mountain and lots of knicks knacks I have to put on my to do list. I've been trying to work out regularly so I get fitter and more focus during the day. I also try to cut back on sweets, junk food and cakes, even though it's really hard. I have warm tea or milk, so I get a better sleep and wake up fresh.

Hmm... Guess I make quite a change on my habit hahaha.

Dreaming, Planning, Exciting

I plan another trip today. It feels so so good to know that in 2 months time, I'll be flying to one of my favorite town, again. The thought of getting another chance to visit that place is showering me with happiness. But then again, planning a trip and realising it always give me giddy feeling. It's like, I have something exciting to look forward to.

Alhamdulillah.

:)

Carrie On Monday: When to Hit Pause

I realise that sometimes, I try too hard to be in love. Sometimes I try too hard to be liked back. I always lost my direction in the middle of a relationship cause I get too caught up guessing what ideal girl he likes. And it's tiring.

I keep on thinking that to love and to be in love shouldn't feel like doing school final test. Frightening and tense. Sure, a relationship need some work to survive every challenge. But that work should come from both sides. If you're the one who do all the hustle, then I think you should step back a bit and see the whole picture. After all, in order to last "till-death-due-us-apart", you need that relationship to be as healthy as possible. Thus, a good team work.

I'm not blaming the other party, cause recently I accepted the fact that the problem was coming from me. The trying-too-hard-me. I'm not being my self every time I met a guy. I tend to become what people expect a woman to be. I become ordinary, in a way that I'm not showing them what makes my personality special . I was the expected. And probably they got bored playing.

So I stop. I'm not in the mood of romance until I find out what I want to be, what I want to do with my life, all the big questions. I need a break and a rehab from the series of potential-love-interest-turned-ugly. I probably should change my hair color, just like Carrie did after Mr. Big called off the wedding by not showing off on the big day. Geez. That's the worst, James Preston.

And then an idea whispers to me, "what if, I never find my own self?"

Well, at least I die trying.

(and somebody find out about my story, make it a Hollywood movie that will hit box office. That way, I have the whole world weep for me. HAHA. Btw, pic from pinterest.com, not my own)

Oh My God. I Want to be Her.

I just finished my work out and browsing through YouTube when I stumbled across Estee Lalonde's new video about Linda Rodin's Lipstick. I have no idea who Linda Rodin is, but Estee is one of beauty youtuber I listen to when it comes to make up, so I clicked the video.

Long story short, the video is about the new collection of Linda Rodin's Lipstick that Estee recently found out at Into The Gloss. The lipstick collection is not the one that intrigues my mind. It's Linda's style. Holy Moly. I want to dress like her: cool-looking-covered-your-face-glasses, button downs, wide leg pants, scarf, messy-platinum-colored-hair. I'm more about Kim K's platinum blonde last year, cause I don't feel greyish hair suit my skintone but, you got the point.

And how does she make bold lips looking so everyday-nude-lipstick-color? She wears fuchia like nobody's business.

 

pics are from pinterest.com

And her apartement is so so pretty. THE BATHROOM IS TO DIE FOR (sorry for the caps, so many emotions going on for this part).

Brb googling more about her.

A Follow Up

Things are going pretty well for the last week. I am less anxious and feel a bit better about my self. I met my girls yesterday, just hanging around at my house, playing make ups and snacking a  lot of sweets.

I also watched Oscar nominated movies: Hidden Figures and Manchester by The Sea. Both are really good in their own way. I love movies that inspire and teach you a lesson or two about life. I'm glad I'm checking them out.

Btw, I encountered several fun and unique Uber drivers. One is a DJ, one is a bass player, and one is a technician that worked in Korea for more that 7 years. All have their own stories. My trip were so much fun having a chit chat with all of them. I've been making a list of unique Uber drivers I've came across for the last 7 months. The list is surely getting more exciting hahaha.

I'm so grateful that I'm starting to find my path again. Taking a break helps me a lot in getting my self all together again. My collage said something to me last week, 

"Chances are, things will go harder from now on. Whatever comes next, it will be a bigger and bigger challenge for you. Things will not go easier after you survive one storm. But that's how a strong leader is born, if that's what you aspire to become."

Happy weekend everyone :)

A New Beginning

I've been doing this a thousand times. Starting over.

Being a teenager was confusing. But here in my 20s, things are all fucked up. I'm fucked up. I've been doing my current job for 9 months now. New circle, new people, new habits, new ethics. I think it's overwhelmed me, in so many level. 

Do you know when you're exciting you tend to feel a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts going on in your chest and mind? All at once, demanding to be express at the same time, otherwise you'll explode. That's exactly how I feel. I'm in a fragile, delicate, unstable state cause I can explode anytime. And it's kind of scary.

I'm doing a simple math to solve this. Since I'm entering a new kind of folks, with different way of thinking and different lifestyle, I need to upgrade my self. I demand my self to be more organised, to be more practical and to be more sensitive. I need to be able to read people between the lines and beyond. I need to survive this new challenge thus, I have to be more discipline my self. Specially, about time. As effective as possible.

Why am I doing this? Well, common human calls it adapting, I call it evolving. A change is always started within yourself. It will take time and a lot of effort. You are upgrading yourself after all. You need to install a lot of new programs into your CPU.

If it's easy, then you probably set the bar too low.

;)