The Toast of The Town

Here Iam, back at a coffee shop, sitting alone writing. At this rate, I don't think this habit will ever grow old on me. I do wonder if there's ever a point in my life, that I let someone else join me.

That's actually a question I address for 2021. What will it bring to the table? What's the trick under the sleeves? I hope the latest technology will be able to tell me at least the tip of it, but after 2020 happening, I guess human race now realize that plot twist is real. And we should be very thoughtful on what we do next, cause there's no guarantee there will be "next time" for us.

For me, 2020 is a wake up call and a slap in the face, and light sleeps at night dreaming about somebody who will hold me thight when I cry and weep and complain about my incapability, how my head is sometimes a riddle for me, those worries and anxieties I can't quite express through word, but the pain is very real banging in my chest. This year has been my biggest break, when I learn to be really patience about myself, understanding that what I think as set backs might just a resting point before continuing my journey. I'm trying my very best not to be mad at myself that the Jengga I built crumbled earlier this year. I'm trying my hard to get out of the ruin that becomes more and more like a cemetery with only names in my mind, I can't quite recall the face. No one will be able to go on living if she keeps wondering around the death. Even though letting go is more likely a concept for me, maybe with practice I can finally grasp a grip about that.

I humbly think that I won't survive this year without my support system. There's moment when I was so close on pulling the trigger, but I didn't, that mostly because I still had so many reasons for staying and making it works. And everytime I find my way to come back to those reasons, I feel truly saved. So I do want to call a toast for my friends, who's been listening to the crack in my voice when I'm mad, who's been leaving me alone when I need to gather my thought and casually remind me if lunch time is coming. I want to call a toast for my current boss, for giving me hope and courage to start believing again. I want to call toast for my brother and sister, for the late night drive and difficult conversation, for baring almost everything on the table just so we can understand each others languange better, for grilling my chicken tenderly the way I like it, for provoking my rage and deepest fear to later nurse my exploading pulse into a harmony. Without one of them, I'm scared to think where I'll end up. And with every single one of them, I feel like I can also understand myself better.

I'm virtually popping a Chianti and rise my glass for them.

The Last Straw

I had an argument with my parents yesterday. It's the same problem all over again, but with different turn in the end. I give up. My heart gives it up. I don't think I can't stay and still keep my sanity. Or, still keep my own identity. It asks too much out of me. I'm probably too little for the so called family.

Was I sad? Hmm, at first. I cried. Upset. Then I slept till noon. When I woke up I went to the gym, joined Hatha then Combat class. I breathed then I punched. Going home, I felt relieved. Things carried on as usual. I woke up this morning by the sound of rain. I told myself to breath, cause sleeping lately has been disorientating. There's no particular emotion in me, just, doing the usual. But I think I'm fine. I don't relapse to scary state of mind like the one I had in July.

I'm fine.

Clear Mind

 

I should lie down facing the sky more often. It gives an amazing feeling.

Unpopular Opinion

There's only less than 100 days before new year? Wow, 2020 is batshit crazy. How come time rolls out so fast when we spend 8 months out of 10 months, at home, quarantening?

This year is the least busy year for the last 4 years of my life. For the last 10 months, the only thing on my plate is working on myself, my sanity to be exact. You might notice I do a little gardening; gaining kilos since the gym was close and I couldn't keep my hands away from the donuts; and spending way to much time on Netflix and MangaGo.

I didn't set any goal this year. I surrendered myself completely to the stream of my thought. Some day, I was in a good mood, the other days I was extremely sad and upset. I let it be. Ever since May, I detached myself from any expectations, both from my own and from others. I literally just tried to live day by day, took as much joy as I can and went to bed before 12 A.M.

Gradually, I start to feel better about myself again. I don't know exactly when. Lately, when I open my eyes in the morning, my first thought is no longer about hurting myself. I'm no longer crying in the bathroom or empty parking lot. I start writing again. I enjoy my current work more and more everyday. I've distanced myself from Instagram since July and not planned to go back any sooner. It honestly makes such a big impact on my rehabilitate self esteem.

I hope this doesn't make me a bad guy, but now I can say I'm grateful the world forced to shut down in more than half of 2020. I'm not happy with people suffering from the global pandemic or people getting hurt because of their skin color. I'm not happy that a lot of my friend's business struggle, they barely can make the ends meet. But I won't lie, that this unusual circumstance has brought me, personally, a clarity. 

First of all, I consider myself really really lucky for finding a job right before the virus hit the nation. That's one less thing to be worried about after I resigned from my previous job. To be financially secured is really important for me cause I can't depend on anyone else, not even my parents, to help me with money issue. It's truly a relief for me to find a job that pays me well and accomodates my creativity at the same time. I planned to stay for 6 months, but now I can see myself explore more potentials if I decide to stay longer. So I'm 80% gonna do that.

The second, I'm grateful for being forced to stay home and quarantine. I used to think I was a homebody, so I took quarantine lightly. I did enjoy it from the first couple of weeks. As you can read on my previous post, I started gardening, I had time for a 30 minutes morning walk, I did a lot of things I couldn't do back when I was still working at my previous job. Then some unsettling thought creeped in, slowly took space more and more everyday in my head.

It's a bit peculiar indeed, when you have everything securely planned and arranged, what is there to worry about? I realised the source of my restlessness was all the big changes I made in a quite short time. I quit a job I thought I would never leave, I spent majority of the time home with the whole family, I tried to understand why I couldn't get romanticly involve with a certain guy. I thought, I got them all figure out. But what I was facing actually some ghost of my past, those that I carefully hide and lock in a closet. Those that always give me shiver and uncomfortable feeling so I avoid to deal with them at all cost. As long as it's avoidable, then I can always put them aside till I forget they exist. Now that I hit dead end, which is widely known as qurantine, I can no longer run away. I needed to give myself sometime to process these.

I was upset of how things didn't go my way. A new job, a rebellious attitude, a revelation of cutting the ties, a deleted contact; those still couldn't substitute the things I recently lost. It's like a funeral of my own belief and I was in a period of grieving. There lied my expectation and sky high dreams I was force to burry, cause some people murdered them with their words and actions. I was in denial, thinking that murderers also human and they might regret it deep down in their sleep. But at this point, I don't think so, not anymore. Some people were given the role to test you, as you probably also tested them in your own way. 

I was trying so hard to find the answers when turned out, I didn't have to do anything at all. What I needed was learning how to accept those dissappointment, living with them, letting them remind me on my journey moving forward. I didn't have to understand everything. I didn't have to be happy with everything. But accepting the good and the bad, the beauty you show and the ugly you hide, will be an important part of finding peace within yourself. Eventually, probably, most likely, lead me to feeling content about my own existance. Then I start to remember how to be fine, once again.

If the world is still running like the usual, I probably still doing the same thing: working like crazy 24/7, telling my own self sweet lies to cover up my fear, being a person that think happiness will come after you sacrifice every bit of you and your life, until there's nothing of you left. I'm glad that this happen to me now than later in life. I'm glad that I want it so bad, to make it work with myself, than giving up to those dark spiralling thoughts whispered in my ears. I'm glad that the universe, the world, the fate, the God himself, all conspired to lock me down, so I could think and work this through. I'm glad that I got to pause with the rest of the world and re-evaluate our life individually and accumulatively.

I'm honestly really excited to see the world when this challenge comes to an end. I'm excited to see the world rebuild by the people that a little more forgiving, a little more compassionate, a little more mindful, and most importantly, feeling a little better in accepting their own self; the good and the bad, the beauty you show and the ugly you hide.

Unstated, Undone

Since I'm floating now, I will just enjoy the scenery. I will breath, as much as my lung can. I will follow the cloud, as far as my eyes can. I will be burnt out of my misery during day and tracing the silver lining during night. I will invite the sun and the moon, tell them stories about a man and a lady fall hard for each others.

Since I'm floating now, I will be weightless. I will let my mind flies through the atmosphere, visiting the stars one by one. I will let my consciousness leaves my body, tiptoeing amongst the shadow, stealing cosmic's secret. I will be everywhere, but nowhere at the same time. I will be there, but you will not catch my shadow.

I bind my eyes. I hand the control to the wind, surrender the dance to the stream. For now I'm floating.

The First Day of Summer 2020: Prelude

I've never felt more like an adult right now. Before, I saw my self as a girl who desperately hold on to innocence, while navigating her appearence as a young adult. It's a double life kinda thing hahaha. But this minute, this day, this moment, I feel like I'm officially an adult.

I stop fighting the reality, in a way that denying this life is not the one I choose to live in. I realise I tend to swiftly shift the blame to the society: my family, my friends, my environtment, those failed romances. I always find a rational reason to think that whatever I do, it's chain reaction to their action toward me. I always think I'm on the victim's end, which is true at some point but now it's just not the case anymore. Right now, I myself refuse to be in that position.

Every single year, I pray for the same thing: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. I'm so fixed to make as fast progress as possible, leaving no room for a set back or failure. Leaving no room for my mind to process my growth. I just want to arrive at my destination as soon as possible. So when I crashed and burnt back on December last year, I was grey ashes blown by the wind. I lost my way, my purpose and my energy. I was completely an empty shell.

All the confusion I experience in the past 4 months has brought me here. A total awareness of how I have full control my own story. I feel like right now, it's crystal clear to me that I own the power to break down and pick myself up again, with or without people's approval. I finally understand that validation is overated, respect is not the currency and acceptance is for you to give to yourself, not from others. I make peace with uncertainty and decide to build my day on a yoga mat and smile.

In the last 4 months, I've been learning how to start accepting disappoinment in my life. I want to understand that it happens for a reason or two. I want to be able to feel upset and sad, accepting it as a feeling, not unchangable facts. I want to be comfortable feeling that way and I don't have to beat the shit out of anyone, not even myself. Then, when I'm done grieving, I'll let go. I'll let go to empty some space, so the new journey can come in and reside with me. This cycle will rotate for the rest of my life. And I'm fine with it. Finally.

It's funny how my own good intention trapped me in a tiny box. I forgot that if a door closed, there would be other doors I could try to open. I just needed to step back to see the bigger picture. I still pray the same thing this year: to be kinder, to be wiser, to feel content about myself. But this time, I accept whatever coming my way, the good and the bad. I'll keep the joy and take my time to let go the sadness.

This realisation unlocks a brand new chapter for me. Being adult is not bad so far.

Subtle Happiness

It's been quite inside my mind. Which is rather a surprise for me. I don't particularly feel anything, but I'm aware I've been watching out my stream of thought, as it goes up and down and probably in between. I'm fine. I don't think it's necessary to conclude anything from this stand. I just want to lay facing up the sky, let the flow carry my body as far as I let myself be. I just want to be here, right now, telling myself to stay still and enjoy the day.

My life has been good. I finally find back my rhythm. I'm happy cause I can sleep early and wake up feeling rested. I'm happy cause I'm back practicing yoga. I even challenge myself to do 15 minutes morning walk before work. It works magic on me, since I have sometime to process my thoughts before starting my day.

I also reliase that I talk in more honesty with my friends. I'm opening up, little by little, showing my true character. And to my surprise, their atittude don't change toward me. They probably know who Iam all along hahaha, but it's me who hadn't got it back then. This feels freeing. I feel like finding puzzle that matches my edges. It's nice to have friends.

Work has been so enjoyable. Being in the new team, I have no issues fitting in with the people. Basically because they're just like me haha. I can't stop feeling grateful for this opportunity. Truly. I say it to all of my friends, yet I feel it's not enough.

Actually, it feels weird that I find my self being in a good place. Hahaha. Only lord knows what kind of state I was in for feeling that way cause honestly, I didn't quite understand myself. But now, it's as if I have this faith that whatever comes in the future, I will always try my best to handle it. If I bleed, I'll find ways to heal. If I fall, I'll learn to climb back. If I'm anxious, I'll breath.

Possibilities are endless and I'm not deciding on anything, yet. I just want to take in as much as I can. It's just like those sky I trace every morning during m walk: my mind looks spacious and clear.

Then I breath in.

Unplugged

It's been around 10 days since I started a new routine. I got out of quarantine to start a new job, in hope to secure my life financially and to break out of boredom. What I experience so far is more than my expectation. I've been mentaly calm, that's a big relieve. Thou I have to make big change such as waking up earlier and trying to go to bed before 11 PM, so far I can manage to keep up. I feel so proud of myself as I'm writing this hahaha.

Some of my friends heard about my new job. They've been congratulating me, saying that I deserve tha chance I get. I do feel lucky, despite the pandemic and crisis in the country, I get hired to do what I like to do: creating. I'm grateful beyond words. If I do deserve this, I'll make sure to make it worth it. I'll make sure to repay the kind opportunity given by God.

What can I do thou? Hmmm. I guess, I'll start by letting go the anger I keep in my heart. I'll learn to accept that I don't need it to be a stronger person. I'll learn to forget, cause it's part of forgiving: both myself and them. By doing so, I hope I have more space for kindness in my heart. And when God decides to shower me love, I'm ready to receive it gently.

Gun and Run

Day 21 of quarantine
Minus 2 days before my first day at the new work place

I feel super energize this Sunday. Nervous yet excited. There are some issues that have been on delayed but really, they don't really bother me much. I'm taking my time here. I work it out somehow.

I've been deattaching from several things weighting down my shoulder. That is probably why I'm in a so much better and brighter state this past week. The process has been frustating and lonely. But after a while I'm starting to adapt with the new found perspective. Then before I know, it's getting easier to do it. Letting them go and trying to stick with things that spark joy, no matter how small or big they are, have helped me cope up and finally start to move on. That's what I aim to achieve right now.

I can say that, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud for not giving up, for resiliently seek solution, for being vunerable in from of people that care. I'm proud for the courage I build despite numbers of breaking down and breaking heart. I was so close to quit if not because the voice that pleaded me to try once again, this time nothing to loose and to expect. Gun. Run. As fast as I can. Where will this lead me? I have several ideas. For now, truly, I'm grateful to arrive here, today.

Good Morning

I woke up this morning with my head still above the cloud, wondering. As I made my way to the kitchen to prepare myself honey lime water, I kept asking, "how are you feeling today?" towards my mind. This habit started right after I resigned from my previous job, an act to check onto my sanity and an observation of the gradual effect a decision could influence my way of behaving and thinking.

There's always this unsettling feeling thou. This one flicker that hangs around the corner of my chest. I learn the best way to clarify is to provoke the affair further. So, as I sipped my honey lemon water, I decided to rewatching Rupi Kaur's Ted Talk. The content always takes me to place where I know I feel safest, almost like being transported to your own santuary the whereabout you keep secret even from your own self. I don't know about other poets, but the way Rupi delivers her story makes my heart warm. That's probably one of the reason why I feel safe whenever I watch it.

After a peaceful 15 minutes, I craved for more inspiration. I remembered Taylor Swift talked about Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk during her Tiny Desk Concert so I navigated to the destination. Turned out I watched it before but couldn't recall what's it about. For the next 20 minutes of her Ted Talk, I couldn't help but feeling calm and hopeful. What she talked about answered most of my unsettling feeling this morning. All of my doubts and worries finally meet a bright light. At least I can now proceed through the rest of my day with positivity. At least, I can now accept whatever happens today, I'll be coming out just fine. Or if I won't, there will be time when I feel fine again.

Just keep checking on yourself everyday, "how are you feeling today?"

Rejecting The Normals

 

Quarantine day 20ish, I'm not really sure myself.

This feels so weird. Days are passing by without any "importance". For me it's a constant repetition of waking up late, drinking my honey water, do a little yoga, bath, food, then do whatever I feel like doing for the rest of the day, which mostly is finishing any manga I currently read or endless scrolling at Instagram, and lastly go to bed around 2 A.M. I don't have any obligation to be somewhere at a certain time or any task to finish. I don't have to rush or squeeze my brain to find a solution for a problem. I don't have to do anything. This, terrifies me to the bone.

I'm curious on what my conselour might say about this situation. Is this my mind and body detoxing the previous habits from my previous "life chapter"? This can be a period where I adapt to the new normal and moving forward to the next stage I plan. Or am I simply hate the freedom I have right now? You know, I used to wish to live in a slower pace, got more time to do things carefully, got more sleeping, decided things my own way. But experiencing it right now, I keep feeling it's not right, like an itch bugging but don't know where to scratch. I can't help but wonder: what if, I don't cut for a slower pace life? What if, for the good and the bad, I naturally enjoy the adrenalin of rushing to reach somewhere, short time limitation to solve bunch of complex issues, the constant deliriusness of being challenged to climb a new high. What if, all of those things, put me in my best condition? What if, all of those things, make me function best?

One afternoon around day 15 of quarantine, the thought hit me hard. I literally stopped doing whatever I did back then. I was dozing off for a solid 3 minutes before the construction work accross my home yanked me back into the present time. My initial reaction was upset. I felt like breaking a rule, yet didn't understand whose it belong to. Was it my own rule? Or was it the society's?

The internet has provided us with a lot of ideas to do at home during quarantine. You can learn how to cook, join online classes of crafting whatever, record Tiktok videos, clean up your space and more ideas to keep you away from boredom and give yourself value added at the same time. I'm not into cooking, I don't join online class cause I hate sitting down for a long time in front of my laptop and I simply not the Tiktok type. The only thing I enjoy is cleaning up, which always be a part of my routine every weekend so nothing new there. It is save to conclude that maybe the thing I love to do the most is working. Other activities are for me to fill during spare time when I get bored of work.

Holy crap. I'm doomed. Lol.

Is this a fact?

Hmm.

In order to answer that, 2 days ago I decided to join a company and work as their creative department team. The office is far, the money is not big, but I feel the urge to move from this current state so whatever. I can't stay iddle no more. This should help me map my mind and put me in a better understanding of what I want to do next. I do hope it's a forward move thou. Oh, fuck it. Even if it's a step back, I will not regret this decision. I just want to roll, experience things then I can plan my life from that point. I desperately want to shake off this hollowness that has been hanging on my shoulder since, well um forever, so I can find my way back to being kind and happy and all the nice things destined upon me.

Hakuna Matata.

Self Quarantine

It's quarantine day 7: I'm starting to feel the panic.

There's a lot of things that being my concerns. The fact that covid-19 spreads through human, makes me shiver cause I don't wanna be a carrier and infect those who live close to me esp my parents. I'm not the most hygenic with my stuffs: I often forget to wash my hands and having shower after a long day is always optional for me (depends on how tired Iam that day). I feel like, I have the right physical condition for the virus to cultivate and spread. Now I do all of the prevention: wash my hands, shower minimum 2 times a day, stay at home. Still there's this thought that the virus is somewhere near me waiting to attact.

The city is on its way to a lockdown. Correction, the nation is on its way to a lockdown. A lot of business is postponed or even close for temporary period. But how long is temporary? After resigning  on January, my only income is basically from the event organizer company I've just started to grow. But in this period of time, holding events with large crowd is on the top list of prohibited activity to do. Thus, 2 of my projects are postponed for the time being. We plan to execute them on June, on note that situation is getting better and the pandemic is under control. Seeing how things are now, I just don't have the optimism for that option in the future. The spreading is at peak, not only here in Indonesia, but all over the world. Italia is locked down, several Europe countries are following behind. It's really hard to predict when this all be over. Which can also be translated to I have no income for at least the next 3 months.

Somehow life is still going,  even though we've spent a week at home. Some household have been on quarantine for more that 14 days. My dad is still working and going out. He doesn't have the luxury of handling the business from home. I'm worried sick for him. I go out several times this week and no more than 2 hours. By going out means me driving around town, trying to center my mind again without doing any physical contact with anyone. I consider myself as someone who loves being at home, not meeting anyone and just do my own business. But this starts to drive me crazy. The fact that I have to stay home, not because of my own will, starting to affect my sanity. The fact that I have to break my routine is driving me nuts. And I completely aware of me being all noisy and nagging cause there are people out there trying to save lives or earning some money to keep their family fed, but please let me have this uncomfortable feeling out. So I can get over it and move on to do something that might help the society. Yes, as a creature of habit, this scares me a lot. This forced changes gives me chills. I'm creating a routine specifically to maintain my mental state. I'm scared of going back in the lump again. I've been doing my best to keep the positivity around in this changes. I simply can't shake of the panic that starts to build in.

I realise that in life, there will always be challenges, obstacles that comes not from my internal side, but also from the external. I'm not ready for this one. Will I ever be? I hope so. The longer I walk in this world, the more I understand that uncertainty will follow you for the rest of your life. I give up on the peaceful and stable life I used to dream cause it has brought a lot of despair and been imposible to reach. It's like an oasis in the dessert: a place you want to reach to ease your mind, but never actualy exist in real life. I think it's better to always expect the worst, be it changes or fate or destiny, at least you are prepared for it. At least you are equiped for it. At least you are trained for it.

An Outbreak

Something reminds me of the joy finishing my work well this week. And I can't hide my smile all dayyyy long. This reminds me how I fall in love with creating, how I enjoy every step of the way, how I love witnessing a vision into reality and then, passed as a moment that lives in your memory. The best part is, I'm fully being myself the whole process.

I'd been working on this project since last December. I'd been working this myself. I'd been putting my concepts and ideas and crafts into it. Usually, I'm not alone. Usually there's another person involves that makes me compromise my ideal. Usually, I grow less and less confidence on the way cause the other person seems to be more capable on every aspect than me. But this time, I could handle it well, all by myself. The best part was, I was fully being myself the whole process.

I was dead focused on the day of the project's execution. I was nervous, yet I was prepared for any possibilities: the good and the bad. There's a comic I read last week that talked about a spesific mental state of a person that is so focused on whatever he's doing he can see things in slow motion, he can see things go in second and react faster to it. I'm not on that state, yet, hahaha. It's just, I got the taste of myself being super into something I can control everything without breaking a sweat or being frustated like I usually feel. It's as if I have ten hands connected to my brain, doing all different tasks for me. The best part was, I was fully being myself the whole process.

But I did have ten extra hands with me during the day that helped me making the project quite successful. This might be one of the reason why I felt really really good about the project: the fact that I was not standing there alone, trying to do everything on my own. I handpicked my own team, they worked on my pace and my way, they enjoyed the work and I enjoyed their companion. After the project done, we were all tired and hungry but we managed to raise the glass and congratulated ourselves for being such a team mate for each others. Moment like that was something I've been missing, a lot. Moment when I felt really grateful for having a team running along with me to the finish line.

Those lonely days I felt through 2019 was me yearning for people who were not only capable of doing their job, but also willing to be part of a long journey to reach the dream: to get to the destination we aim individualy as a union. They say, being an entrepreneur is a lonely battle. It is, but it doesn't always have to be that way. After all entrepreneurship means you can decide on your own stuffs, including doing a one man show or building an empire. Each option carries its own obstacle. I started this project alone then finished it surrounded with some of the best people I know. That's what I choose for myself. The best part is, I'm fully being myself the whole process.

Isn't it funny? I think I lost myself when I decided to quit my previous office. I think I might never feel the joy anymore. I think I'm gonna have a hard time creating again. Here I'm feeling all the love in the world doing the same thing, but on my own wisdom. Fully, deeply, happily myself the whole process. I hope the whole team feel the same as Iam.

Another best: I finally feel like moving forward, bit by bit, with courage, hope and no longer alone.

Something Old, Somehing Borrowed, Something New

I just finished my first ever session with a counselor. It felt strangely calm at first. I thought it’s gonna feel like those business coaching session I had back then; in which I cried a lot after. This feels, like the breaking waves, powerful yet gentle.

She didn't talk much. She responded to what I say in general way, not pushing or passing judgement. I like her for that. I like that she said she’s been through this before, yet my case was something I could only solve my own. I like that she’s not trying to be “the older person” in the room. I like that she listened and admitted that I need help to untangle this and it’s all fine to ask help for that.

I have several things to work on first, before we talk about more complicated stuffs in the future. I will start from the very basic: standing on my own feelings and opinions; trying not to agree with other just to make them happy; believing in my own guts. I thought, well, here I go again, working on the same things all over again. But I find myself having another reason to go on: I’m doing this because I want to make myself happy. I guess, I finally get to the point where I realised things will always end up the same unless I make the change from my own self. And the change will be me feeling happy for myself, me taking a better care for myself, me being wise about my priority in life, me being kinder to myself. That’s a lot about me hahhaa but she told me that it’s okay. For the good and the bad, I’ve been trying to take care others and forgetting that I need to attend to my own needs too. “Isn’t it self centered?”, I asked. No, it’s self love. It’s me being whatever I always am to others: trying my hardest to make them feel happy.

I accept the fact that I need to hear this first, to finally be able to move forward. I have so little confidence in myself to decide this; to decide I’m entitle for TLC too, as much as I want to shower others in it. Being useful doesn’t mean I have to bleed myself dry. Turn out, you can still live and be happy even when you don’t go to war for someone else’s battle.

That 2 hours was the most I’ve ever admited that I was scared, all the time, of people not liking me, of me not being enough to beloved, of me not capable to achieve success, of being left out. It came in a gentle touch, I didn’t even feel overwhelmed by my own feelings. It’s a comforting confirmation, even thou I know I’m in a middle of a storm, that shall pass once I’m set for a new tide.

It’s okay. I will try my best, just like I usually do. But this time, I will also listen to myself.

Stop and Breath

Last December, I bought myself an early birthday present: a healing yoga trip to Gili Labak. I never been to any healing event, so actually I had no freaking idea how it's gonna be. Back then I just desperately wanted to go somewhere far away from my daily routine, somewhere with limited phone reception. One of my friend, Mb Sitta, also joined the trip. I felt if it's gonna be a flop, at least I had Mb Sitta with me through boredom and awkward moments haha.

The trip itself started off late. We supposed to leave at 8 A.M but delayed to 9.30 A.M and I didn't know why cause everyone had arrived yet the official moved so slowwww to get everything ready. I got uneasy, naturally, cause I liked everything to go as scheduled. Late start is definitely an alarm for me; if we don't do it right from the very beginning, we may not do it right till the end. We were far behind the schedule when we arrived at the harbour at 3 P.M, 2 hours late from the schedule. Me? I felt anxious already. I started to think this was a waste of money and time and I hated both. We had to take the boat to reach Gili Labak and it took 1.5 hour. I had a hard time to not snap and complain about the whole being late thing. Next in schedule should be Sunset Yoga Session at 5 P.M. We might not make it on time too.

All the frustration was left at the sea once we made it on time to our Sunset Yoga Session. 50 minutes of sun salutation, one of my favorite flow. Doing yoga by the beach surely had different sensation than doing it at home or studio. The breeze, the thick salty air, the sand that kept me stumbling during warrior three. And the sunset, the calming sky that melted into purple, pink, orange and everything in between. The yogi told us to let go all the tension so the good energy around us could enter our body, replacing worry with merry. Maybe it's the wind, maybe it's the warmth of afternoon on December, I did feel good. Earlier I was all angst and nasty but when I surrendered in my breathing, I could feel a good energy flow through my blood, reach my heart then bursting to every corner of my body. For the first time I felt really really good from the inside.

The rest of the trip simply fell in to the right place and pace. Tents were build, food were served and they also brought screen to watch Korean crime movie during dinner. I was completely swept out, especially because I played in the water for an hour after Sunset Yoga Session. The night was warmth, thou heavy cloud hanging low and hiding all the stars I planned to map that night. I fell asleep not long after, dreaming about the sunset earlier and how it made me feel inside.

We started the next day super super early, as we were scheduled for another yoga session, The Sunrise Session. I woke up in shock as people rushed to get ready; stumble finding my yoga pants in the dark and washed my face with sea water hahahha.  During this session, we spent more time to meditate, to feel our breathing and distribute it to our whole body. I remembered clearly every second of this session as the sun climbed the sky and the breaking waves lullaby us to fall deeper into the core of our mind. It's almost as if being touched by a divine energy that caressed my cheek, my hands, every centimetre of my skin endlessly. I felt like it's no longer my nose breathing, it's the pores on my body opening up to absorb this warmth.

When we finally open our eyes, the sun was already up, full circle, bright and mighty. We ended the session by going to the water to cleanse our body from any negative thoughts that usually followed us daily. Never once I thought that going to a remote island and praticing yoga by the beach could be this powerful. I think that's why people call it retreat, I felt this trip was indeed a treat for my mind. If I might, food for my soul too.


I think, the fact that I let go everything, desperately to feel good again about myself, desperately willing to try anything, had me experiencing a big impact after.

I felt wholesome that morning, as I floated in the water facing the blue sky. I counted my blessings, I called out my family and friends one by one in my head, I tried to recall all the hardship that made me who I was and who I would be in the future. That day I realised that the cure to my sadness recently was right there in front of me. I needed to stop, breath and enjoy the sunrise showering my body with new hopes and good energy. I did hope that I could spoil myself as often to join healing trips and reuniting with this feeling, this goodness. But it's okay. One day at the time.

The Guessing Game Begins

Welcoming the new year with no resolutions, no short term plan, no confidence on myself whatsoever. It's officially a season's change for me. After resigning from my long term job, I find myself a little stumbling. No, I didn't regret my decision. It's just, washing off those 3 years comes in waves.

I've never been someone who jump in uncertainty without a back up parachute. So yes, this really worries me. What will I do next? How should I make a living? What should I tell my parents? There are millions of question and possibility flashing in my mind about the future. Ooohhhh, future. You always play your favorite game, the guessing game. You, future, gang up with destiny and fate, throwing the dice against me.

I spent the last 2 days of 2020 reading people's new year posts on Instagram. I forget that having a "secured" income and those big plan you're so looking forward to achieve are privileges. The more I scroll the more I get confuse of what I want. People say I can do everything, take a pick. People say I can challenge the storm, prepare the boat. People say I'm ready for the battlefield, wear your armour. In a world where everyone else believe you can be anything you want, what will you be?