A Mission (Im)Possible

Every year I grow more and more faith about coming home to Ubud. Yes, it's a home, a place so dear in someone's heart that you keep longing on coming back. It officially steals my heart and I have a hard time to accept that it will be sometime before I actually move in to the hut. I always come to Ubud with a million of things to resolve in my head. I remember the first time I came, I filled my luggage with pieces of my broken heart. Last week marked my 6th visit to the lovely town and I came with a mission: to find love.

HAHA.

As soon as I wrote that down I realised how cringy it was. But that's how I felt. Well, it's not that I abruptly decided that. I've been thinking high and low and I thought, well, Ubud is always like a lover to me, could I actually find a real one? Or it's probably because the Venus Retrograde that my head kind of making up things, I wasn't sure. But that's how I felt. I wanted to find, or at least encountered, a possibility of romantic relationship.

The thought was driving me a lil bit crazy. I shopped, so I had something chic to wear at Ubud. I masked, cause I wanted my skin to look as amazing as possible. I did a lot of things that I wasn't used to do, all because, I wanted to find love. I have to be honest that I felt silly at first, I felt, embarrassed, cause I put so much effort for this. And I have to also state that I'm all about cool and effortless kind of person so this finding love conquest was surely, terribly, contradicting with me, not to mention how meticulously prepared I was to so many possibility.

But that's how I felt. For the first time in a very long time, I felt that I needed to do this for myself.

I actually worried that I put too much pressure on this trip. I meant, realistically speaking, it's not possible to do thing as complicated as love only in 7 days. Also, I really wanted to get relax and chill at Ubud, to recharge my energy before going back to the city. How on earth did I plan to do this, really? I couldn't explain how my mind work sometimes. It's as if going against a whole different person but it's actually you, your head, your mind. I did it anyway. I was sticking to the love plan and packed all of my brand-new-with-tag clothes to embrace the hopefully amazing journey at Ubud.

To my surprise, it's going pretty well. I didn't take a guy home with me but all of the moments leading me to a brand new perspective and understanding. I did push myself to talk to new person everyday, not just to someone I might romantically interest but also to a lot of amazing individuals I met during UWRF. I even initiated a convo with a girl after she performed her poem on a open mic event. I congratulated her and told her she's amazing. I hugged her for being amazing on stage. And she hugged me back thanking me for coming to the event. Wow. That's amazing, at least for me. That's not what I use to do. There were many more moments like that, moment that I pushed myself so hard to do something I wasn't comfortable to, in a good way. At the end, I felt so so happy cause I gained many new friends and involved in so many interesting conversation. Oh and about finding love, well, a guy asked me out to dinner. Even though it's not really happening cause he got an emergency with one of the writer he liaised. But someone asked me out! Ha! And he seemed like a very good guy too, not the kind that fooled you cause he bet on you with his friends. He's not. So I guessed I wasn't really curse at dating hahaha.

It's all starting with a simple idea of finding love and turning out to be a relaxing and adventurous trip with many new names on my phone book. You know, having courage to put yourself out there facing the world is both scary and exciting. Now, I can say that it's leaning more to the exciting part. And I'm not giving up yet on the quest of finding love, even thou I'm back at the city now. There's always be next journey, next opportunity. But to be able to say it out loud (or write it down, in this case) is such a relieving act. I feel like another door is opening for me. Finger crossed it will lead me to wonderful place.

The Climb

Miley Cyrus is right, there will always be another mountain to conquer. It's hard at first, then for sometimes it's gonna be super hard to the point that I want to break down in tears, curse the world and just walk away. Then I will stop, trying to find some steady ground and assesing my options, calculating the risk and finally asking my own self, if this really what I want, reconfirming my faith in the path I've choosen. Why, it's so complicated. I keep on wondering whether all the most successful people face this kind of problematic in their journey. Or do they always know what to do, what to choose? Do they, deep down inside, never doubt about theirselves? Don't they get tired playing riddle?

I always know I'm not a quitter if I've set my eyes on something I want to achieve. It's just, constantly being on the edge drives me kinda mad. Being exposed to the possibility that all the miles I pass before may be for nothing but somebody else's bathroom joke keeps me awake lately. Why do I seem to be the only one take this so so seriously?

The higher I climb, the harder it is to breath and the lonelier I feel inside. I feel like puking anger and sorrow but then shallow my grateful pill just because I don't want to get sick. I hope there will be a great view from the top of the mountain cause I can use a lil bit of smile to relax my face muscle. I hope I have enough patience to overcome all the highs and the lows. I hope I'm wearing my best hiking boots cause it looks like a pretty long journey to the top.

Eyes to Eyes, Cheeck to Cheeck

Have you ever look into someone's eyes so deep you get carried away? That someone is a familiar face, a person who's always by yourside. That person always around, playing, laughing even listening to your every sad story.

That day was different. It's the longest we'd ever been gone not meeting each other. What's going on? A lot, yet nothing at all. It was felt like a pause, a moment we were away from each other's life to be part of somebody else days. I honestly terrified. What if you got really comfortable not seeing me? What if, it's actually so easy to replace my presence in your days? What if, it's okay for you not to have me around anymore? It'a a long and upseting month for me, talking about my mental state. And I kept guessing why didn't you call me already, that led me into another pool of imagination and broken heart. I didn't want to find out, those possibilities I mentioned were actually happening.

So I called, on one hot day in October, when I couldn't think of anything but loosing you. I called, cause I'll be leaving town for a while. I guess, when I come back from this trip later, I can come home to your accompany. And you were fine there, across the wire. You laughed, you made joke. You were there as if nothing happened. I wasn't satisfied, yet. So I asked you out for lunch. That's when I realize that precious thing is fragile. It takes one move to tear down what I have built with you over the past 8 years. I have to say that seeing you after quite a while was like meeting someone for the first time again. I was nervous. I hoped I didn't screw up, that's what I thought. Then again, you were your usual self: laid back, casual, hungry. Did I imagine things? I didn't think so. I knew there's something, I just felt like you probably brushed it off your mind, that's just how you rolled. While here I was, on the other side of the pole, the usual emotional wrecking ball. I'm basically breathing feelings, that's how I roll.

There's probably only one thing I wanted to make sure on that meeting. I wanted to look in your eyes and saw it for myself that we're okay. So I did. I forgot how dimentional it was to look long and deep into somebody's eyes. I forgot that it's a journey, like diving into the ocean, while wondering whether your own eyes playing tricks on you. We were fine, really. Or at least that's how I felt when we met again. I felt extremely relieved. Finally, I could breath air. You were wondering whether I was initiating a staring competition, but I laughed it off. I didn't want to sweat it anymore. It's enough for now.

Later that night I was still thinking about that meeting. How desperate I was for a certainty that I didn't want to set my eyes off you. I was looking for honest answer inside. I also realized that I might take you for granted, that when you're away, I got frustated over what I did wrong so you ditched me for the whole month. But I think, of all the thoughts scatter in my mind and feelings break in like a wave in my chest, all of this look in to your eyes business was just a crying for help. I don't want to loose you in my life, it's too terrifying. I think, it's a way to help myself feeling alright again, it's probably has exactly nothing to do with you.

Well, I'm glad that we made up. That's the whole point of this rambling haha.

Self Reminder

It's okay to break apart

Falling into the dark pit of you own thought

Feeling like your heart is ripped by force

Being desperately lonely and be sad about it

It's okay to be miserable

Wanting to be saved

Wanting to be found

Wanting to be taken care of

It's okay,

that little voice keeps telling me

It's okay,

you'll rise again

The Thing Is...

...I'm not feeling anything in particular. It's weird since I'm such an emotional walking ball. I don't know. It's been a long and tiring and jumpy and busy and exciting and heart breaking times, the last 3 months. I'm like so full yet empty at the same time. Everything goes so fast, I don't have time to feel. When I stop, I kinda lost track of what's going on. When I stop, I get kinda depressed for nothing.

I guess I'm just confused?

Pushing Through

For the first time this year, I feel pretty relax even thou I have abundant workload lining in my Google Doc. How come? Where's my usual anxious-and-restless-mind go? Well, dear friends, turns out there's nothing a good night sleep can cure. I've been putting my resting time on top priority for the last 3 weeks. I don't even bother to spare time to work out haha. If I feel drained, I will make sure that I eat right then go straight to bed. If I feel like I can stay up longer, I will try to finish as many work as possible. I also spoil myself with a lot of English Breakfast before bed. Please don't argue with me for the "unpopular choice of tea at night". That's the only decent tea I have at home. Oh, and another big change I make for the last 3 weeks is changing my dinner to something light like summer salad or cassava chips (HAHA, still chips thou). Holy moly it make quite a big different on me. I feel like I get up easier in the morning because my body feel lighter. Does it make sense to you? If it doesn't, my other theory is I'm too hungry to stay longer in bed that's why I can get up earlier than before. Which one to believe, it's your choice. Hahaha.

Fixing my lifestyle is necessary, cause lately I feel like I'm in the middle of another life changing moment. I realise I need to be stronger, psychologically speaking. And one impactful habit to develop starts from the little things, like what I eat, how I start my day, what kind of music I choose, my state of mind before falling asleep. Okay, concrete example: whenever I come home to a clean and tidy room, I always get a better quality of resting. I also feel more comfortable to work even until past midnight in my room. That's why I shouldn't skip cleaning up my room every morning before leaving to the office. Another concrete example: whenever I have fresh veggie or fruits for breakfast, I feel less sleepy in the morning. Sometimes, I don't even drink coffee and I'm still well "lit" for the rest of the day. It's because I put "nutrients" in body, not just stuffing it with any food so it's full. Whenever I have fried food for breakfast, I get bloated and my body feels a bit heavy. The only down side of full fruit and veggie breakfast for me is my low blood pressure, so I still combine it with meat sometimes.

It's hard to change old habit. I confess sometimes I cheat by eating instant noodle before sleep. Then I regret it in the morning cause I don't feel good waking up with bloated tummy. But what is life without constant changes here and there? Remember, eyes on the prize people. There's a bigger things we chase in this life, other than satisfying our craving, our lust. I want to believe that I can be a better version of myself if I can manage my mind and my body better. It's always hard in the beginning, just like 4 years ago when I decided to change for the better too. But I passed that phase well. This time, I will overcome it too.

Cheers for those who refuse to stop growing and developing to be the person you always want to be.

The First Day of Summer 2018: Overthink

Yes, let's not think. Let's just, let everything slips away for once. Let's just savour this moment to the very last drop, till the very last bit of summer days evaporate to the thin air. I've been thinking too hard to make this weekend wonderful when it is already wonderful even without me putting anything on this space. The intention is of course to make this moment ever last by writing it down, but my brain is doing just fine lately that I think it's fine to pass on this one.

Hello June. This month has been anything but being blessed and loved. I visited my grandma earlier this month, I took my brother and sister to Ubud, I ate a lot of Balinese food, I took my family to dinner on my birthday, my friends got me my Jane Austen's dream shirt, my other friend sent me a sweet note on my birthday, the whole office sang me Happy Birthday on the first day back at work and a friend of mine just dropped off my favorite Lunpia Semarang at home. This month can't be any better, really, but it keeps going. Summer is really here because for the past week, the night sky has been the prettiest and the moon shines the brightest. Summer night is always the best.

I wish I could invite anyone who's willing to peek at my June days. It is that good that I wish I can just share all of this happy feeling with everyone by writing it down. I feel so grateful for everything, including the fact that I broke my bank account to buy a Docmart (dat stuff is expensive *sign*). I think my only complain is, it's going to fast, way to fast.

Please stay a moment. Let's just hang out. We don't even have to talk. Let's just, be each other's company for a little longer, June.

Rain on June

It's raining tonight! I will take it as early birthday present <3 p="">
(I take every single good thing as birthday presents for the last 7 days)

26

I've been thinking real hard on what I will write on this post to mark D-30 until my birthday. Last year's note was so so good and full of self reflections, full of emotions and changes. It doesn't mean that it stops now. It's just, I feel more settled as an adult that I don't experience as many turbulences as last year. I have decided on things, I guess. Or, is it the opposite? This settling feeling, is it maybe because I'm no longer exploring?

I think, this is probably a phase where I just go for it. I kind of figure out what I want to be, who I want to be. All that's left is go for it. Go for it really hard. So hard you have nothing else on your mind but pushing every single muscle on your body to make it work work work. Then I will fall asleep with oily face unwashed and a kitten sits on my chest, demanding attention. I wake up with super tired feeling, as if I don't get a rest. Then I will hurry to prepare my self for work. Am I lost in this wave of the ocean? Does my ship get carried away? I do go for it but, do I remember why? Do I remember the big goal I aim? It's kinda scary how easy things slip out of our hands, our attention. Everyday becomes only a blur scene of routine. And at the end of the day, you're one of CPU that demands to be reboot cause the disk is almost full.

And you thought the hardest part is figuring out what you want in this world. Holding on to your big plan is harder. Running to every open door with all you might is harder. You thought you settle, but it's just a beginning baby.

Still Chasing The Sun

At this point, I'm pretty sure that how fun a trip can be mostly depends on who you travel with. But I won't really complain tho. Being out in the unknown space excites me more than anything. Here is a postcard from Bantul, Jogjakarta.

Calm

I'm still waiting for the sun to shine

giving life to the ruins of mine

But this time,

it's not going as planned

Anger slips and expands

replaces a lil soul with a loaded gun

I lost conscious of being a man

All I can hear is just a static sound

I start to think I may be gone

since all the roads lead to slump

My heart stops beating a drum

They pop me just like a strawberry gum

About This Morning

I do wish that I don't have to wake up this morning. A dream about meeting Alex is just too sweet sweet sweet I'm drown in the pool of honey. My admiration to Alex is beyond his look (and his well fitted leather pants). Thanks to his poetic song writing skill, I realise that romance is my life long obsession. Romance as in beautifully composed love letter or poet, not my personal life. Remember a professional love letter writer, Theodore, from Her? That's exactly it.

But I did wake up this morning, with grey cloud heavily covered the entire sky.  My favorite time of the day is around 5 AM, where the air is cool and the wind is breezy. It's the perfect time to sleep with the window open, and Dustin O'Halloran's Opus 23 playing in the background. The cloudy weather this morning was such a treat. It stretched my 5AM to a full 3 hours bliss, before I finally decided to went to the shower and got ready for work. That and the thought of meeting Alex. A girl can't ask anything better than this cosmic conspiration on a Monday morning.

I started the morning slow and steady. I was taking my time doing everything. It almost felt as if I lived in a bubble where this good mood going full bloom inside my head and my chest. I didn't even worry about getting late to the office. Hahaha. And nothing could ruin my happiness for the rest of the day.

About Last Night

I had quite a sweet dream last night. I met Alex (Turner) at a studio where he did a photoshoot for Arctic Monkeys newest album. We were chatting and laughing about something. I'm pretty sure we were close, observing from our gesture and how carefree he was around me. At the end of the convo, I wished him good luck on his album with the monkeys that will be launched next month, on May 11th. He smiled, saying he'd be looking forward to see me around that day.

That morning I woke up with the widest smile on my face. And nothing could ruin my happiness for the whole day :D (<< that was how wide I smiled for the whole day)

Low Battery

Sometimes I wish it's okay to selfishly be gone for a day. Disappearing not because I want to go, but rather because I will always come back. Sometimes I get way too many stuff on my plate, that I can't really remember what I want to eat in the first place. Sometimes I need to clear everything up so I understand which one is my priority. Sometimes I need to reboot, or, even better, an overnight software upgrade.

I need to be away, sometimes, to untangle the thread and turn it into a beautiful cloth.

3 Days Capitol

I couldn't believe my very first trip in 2018 was my least favorite town in Indonesia. It was unexpected, out of the blue trip that when my boss came out with the idea, my jaw dropped so dang hard.

Well, uhm.

I'm not gonna go into detail why I don't really dig this one city because we tend to fall in love with something we overly dislike (right? RIGHT?). So let's leave it that way. Beside, that was a business trip, so I didn't expect much of free time. It was work work work and run run run. At the end of the day, I didn't have any reason to be grumpy (because that was not my ideal first trip of the year in which I'd be inspired and zened for the rest of the year aka coming back to Ubud). I felt, so grateful that I was given this opportunity to meet new people, to expand my wings, to handle bigger deal. I'm blessed. Truly. You can look me in the eyes while I'm saying this. I'm not gonna flinch. This is no fabrication ;)

And as I said, the trip was all work work work and run run run. We started the day at 7 AM, spending average 1.5 - 2 hours on the road to our 9 AM meeting. Breakfast on the go, sometimes no breakfast at all. Then we had to hustle to the next meeting around 11 AM cause if we were late just for a bit, we'll be stuck at the traffic for another hour. Again, lunch on the go or no lunch at all. Hahaha, I should be skin and bones if I do live in that city. I will always skip meal to avoid traffic.Then we had to hurry again to the next destination cause there would be massive traffic jam at 4 PM, when everybody out on the road, trying to get home. So far, as long as we sticked to the "time management", we didn't end up rotting on the street of The Capitol. But boy, what a way of living they lead, every single day. I was so happy it's only a 3 days trip. I couldn't handle anymore than that for now. I needed to breath.

Now that I'm back to Surabaya, sitting peacefully at the corner of a coffee shop, reminiscing those 3 days at The Capitol, I feel somewhat grateful. When I think about my journey that lead me to where I am today, it's always started with doing something I don't really favor, something I avoid as much as I can. All of those experimental moments, while begging my ego to be patience and hold on to this journey, have brought me a lot of amazing things. Somethings that I thought I needed forever to achieve yet I got a chance to reach it sooner. How did it feel at first? Strange, uncertain, scary. Like going on sailing on a kayak. How does it feel today? Challenging, exciting. Like going on sailing on kayak with turbo machine and life guard jacket. 3 days at The Capitol brought me a lot of nostalgic feelings about insecurity and being in a strange land.

So I guess, I will gladly accept any opportunities that offer me a chance to keep on growing, while still sticking to my root and maintaining my vision about life in general. I'm glad I'm not saying no out of fear :)

Judgemental

Healthy update: I feel so much better right now! Oh, nothing feels as good as being fit and healthy again. Looking back, the last 2 weeks had been a though and rocky time. But now that I'm getting my energy back, I find it kinda funny that I struggle a lot to decide what to do in that tricky time: endless work load and lots of exciting project versus taking a break cause my body scream in desperation for a rest day.

I know that health is important. It's just, I couldn't help but think that I had to be strong too. After all, my boss put her trust on me and I didn't want to let her down. I wanted to exceed her expectation. Thus, I forced myself to keep going forward. Several times, I decided that I need to stop cause I felt extremely tired. But then I woke up in the morning and I thought, "I can do another miles". I kept on thinking that if I couldn't surpass this, I wouldn't be able to carry on further for a bigger responsibilities. I was desperate; of being able to succeed and of getting a well deserve rest time. And I wanted them all. As long as I could still walk, I wouldn't stop.

The moment I called it off was the moment I thought it's save to take a leave from my work for a day. Still, there's this tiny thought slipped my mind. Was it my wisdom talking, advising me to take a break for a while? Or was it my selfishness, trying to lure me with indulgent cause I have "an excuse"? At that point, I always feel like I'm loosing my faith in my self, something that I find, very irritating. Is this what people called being-hard-to-yourself? Or is this a determination? Oh Lord. Life is a never ending school and homework, eh? ;)

I'm getting better at listening to my heart lately. So I guess I should learn listen to my body too. Or let's just hope I do a good job at my healthier diet, so I don't have to be in that position again. Haha.

The Bedrest Day Story

It's another cloudy and gloomy afternoon in Surabaya. I've had my lunch and hot tea but still reluctant of taking any medicine. So I headed to the terrace and sit by the pond, hoping that a fresh air could help sorted my mind and kicked away the flu.

There I was, sitting still, admiring the grey sky while sending a little prayer that I'd get better by tomorrow. Then the silence filled with rumbling sky. I was amazed, as that was the first time I got to hear the sky roaring, like saying something but in an audible language. I had my headsets on but I didn't play any song. I was still listening to the rumbles. It's so serene and peaceful, just like all those quotes say: the calm before the storm. I felt like I was being transport to a vulnerable dimension, where this delicate time exist in slow motion, where every rumbles sing a song and the wind whisper a warning through each of our nape hair. A lot of people admire the rainy day. Just now, I found out that moment before the sky cried itself out, was the moment of solitude.

The rain started to fall down, making a little ripples all over the pond. At first I could hear every single drop of it hitting the surface of the land, then, it got blurry as the intensity rise up. I was still sitting by the pond. My feet got wet. And I felt so much better.

Man Down

Guess what?

I'm down with flu. And stomachache. And probably anemia too.

Ladies and gentleman, I've reached my limit.

It's all began in cloudy and gloomy March. The weather had been crazy; sometime it's so hot in the afternoon then raining storm in the night; sometimes it's raining all day long; sometimes it looks sunny then 5 minutes later, heavy rain falls with no mercy to a biker like me. I got caught in the rain way too many times than I'd like to for the past 2 weeks. I got home all wet and cold and hungry and tired. One time, I went to a meeting with my wet jeans cause it's suddenly raining so hard on the way to the meeting point. I was so unlucky to drive my bike that time, instead of taking Uber like I used to. I also often skipped my breakfast lately due to a hectic morning schedules. Some days, I had to suppress my hunger through the meeting and wish that they didn't hear my rumbling stomach. I don't really understand why, but ever since my eating schedule changed, I had no appetite to have lunch and dinner. It's terrifying. I got lazy to eat, which was my favorite activity to do :(

Today is probably the peak of all the unhealthy eating habit and bad weather for the past two weeks. I woke up with a dizzy head and high temperature on my body. At first I shook it off, since it's not the first time I woke up with a fever. It's usually fading as the day goes by, especially after I have my breakfast and coffee. But the dizziness got worse on my way to the office. My nose was super itchy, my neck was cold, I couldn't seem to concentrate in anything. All I could think about was lying down and sleeping the day away. It's actually frustrating, since it's not the right time to be sick and not functioning well. It's never the right time to be sick anyway.

So yeah, I've reached my limit. I guess, as much as I don't like the idea, I have to take a day off. Or at least working from home, where I can take care of my self in comfy pajamas, hot choco, quick nap in the afternoon and 3 times of proper meal a day. It's actually not a bad option, considering the sickness can get worse and result in a total bed rest. And I hate the idea of visiting the doctor, let alone being hospitalised. I don't like taking medicine either. If I can still hold up with warm milk, fruits, chocolate, honey and lemon, I'm not going to pop the pills. Medicine is the least favorite chemical I'm willingly put inside my body.

Naturally, I get more discipline with my food. Yesterday I did a grocery shopping with my dad. We bought a lot of greens (only the ones that I like cause I'm picky with veggie) and anything healthy looking to improve my immune and metabolism. Dad ended up cooking us a nice saute bok choy and boiled potato for dinner. Fyi, Dad and I rarely cook at home, so when Mom found us at the kitchen cooking dinner, she's kind of surprise with the unusual scene. The dinner was amazing. As much as I love McDonald's, I have to admit that eating light, fresh and healthy always gives a good energy on my body. I need to give more effort in doing that cause being bloated during the day is never a pleasant feeling.

What lesson do I learn from this unfortunate event? First, do eat well. Put nutrients on your body by eating "good food". Postponing McD and Indomie to the weekend can be a good start. Second, check on your local weather forecasting so you can prepare an "umbrela". Lastly, get enough sleep cause nothing a good sleep can't cure.

Ciao ;)

(zzz zzz zzz)

Checkpoint

I guess, I finally come to an understanding that kindness will not always be rewarded with kindness. At least that's how it goes on human relationship. So I tell my self that being kind should be something I selfishly choose to do every single chance I have. I shouldn't measure the impact I get from doing that. I should just do it like I'm breathing; on repeat.

That Late February

I heard this song when I stretched after my Monday work out. This song gives me lyfeeee instantly. Love.

The Captain of The Boat

Last week has been one of challenging week for me. I was in charge of the office due to my boss business trip to Jakarta. And boy, it ain't easy peasy.

I always have this vision of a friendly leader. I don't wanna be snobby or bossy cause I'd been working for one in the past and it felt like hell. I want to be a leader that is not scared of, someone who cares and listens and most importantly, be able to direct my co-worker to a better path for their career. 

I set a pretty high bar, eh? Haha.

Well, I guess I wasn't doing good enough despite my crystal clear vision. I was overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do, not to mention controlling every division and checking on every body's work. And I had my own projects to run too. And I had to prepare briefing material for the new employees. And I had to remind my self not to skip breakfast and take vitamins since I was most likely get a flu. The list goes on.

But no, this is not a complaining post. I write this solely to remind my future self that being a good leader is a lot of work. Sometimes we need to consider several impact of our own action to the other co-workers. Sometimes we have to consider their personal feelings. Will they take it the hard way if I'm being blunt about their sloping performance? Will they see the vision you see? Will they understand that you being strict to them is for their own professional track record? Will they accept that going the extra mile is not the same with extra tasks? Walking between the lines is one risky job. But I think that's a responsibility a leader bear.

At the end of the week, I come to understanding that a good leader is not a night in the making. It's probably like a good wine. It takes time. It needs a good maintain from the inside and out. It needs supportive environment.

I feel so relieve my boss is now back in the city. I guess, I still need a little help here and there.

;)

Escaping My Mind

I'm sick of Surabaya. It's been more than 3 months without travelling and I am dryyyyyyyyy like a cactus I keep by the pond at home. I want to go out so so bad. I want to be somewhere far from familiarity.

I'm not going to UFF this year. Sad, but it's a solid decision I make cause I want to be 100% present during my new position's prohibition. I want this position so much, I need to compromise with my inner self. But but but I'm planning to go for Art Jog. Finger crossed. Excited. Can't wait.

Half Full Glass

 

What's wrong with time? How come it passes in the blink of an eye? I can't really accept it's almost the end of February. Where have I been these past 1 and a half month?

January was an interesting start of a new year. I began working in a new position and it's been a fun learning process. I was faced with many of my fear, including leading a team and handling mad clients. I'm proudly say, I'm doing pretty good hehe. It feels so nice to be in a environment where everyone is supportive towards each other. It feels so nice that every achievement is being respected and acknowledge. I have to say that I can respect myself better, in a way that is unselfish and mature.

February is another challenge for me. Business is in its peak with Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year Celebration around the corner. When I was in the busiest hour, I went full autopilot. I had no clear conscious of what I did or how I survived the high season. Is it weird? Or is it a tired mind speaking? Haha. I feel relieved that it's all over now, and I can finally take back my peaceful Sunday morning. But hey, suddenly, it's entering the end of February. For the next 5 days, it's gonna be another crazy packed schedule at the office. I don't even want to imagine how I'm gonna deal with all of the pressure. Thankfully, this weekend has been a relaxing one for me, hanging out with my best friends and my brother, watching bad tv, eating instant noddle. I'm pretty much ready for whatever comes in my way tomorrow.

It's save to say that for the next 2 years, it will be full about work work work. I feel a lil bit sorry for my self, to be honest. Well, probably because there's nothing really going on in my personal life aside from my career. But on the other side, I'm so so grateful that I've been given a chance to pursue what I want, what I dream. I know I need a lot of catching up to do, because I'm fully aware of my goals before I hit 30. Is it too ambitious for a girl? Well, I have to be. I quit doing things the way other's want. It's never too ambitious, never too high, never too late. Dreaming is free after all. The hustles come in different package. I don't want to look back and realise that I'm not going all out for my dream. But I'm not gonna lie, that I start to long for a companion that share the same vision with me. Like Carrie said, someone not to tame, but to run wildly together. It will be so nice if I can share the dream with someone. It will be nice if we can travel all the possibilities together. Now, I blame Acha for making me this sentimental. She's been nothing but a bundle of happiness ever since the marriage. And I'm, so so happy for her.

Now I miss her again huhu :(

Btw, I want to share some great IG accounts that I find really inspirational. I've learnt a great deal through those accounts and I hope it can inspire you too.

Gak perlu ribet kalau emang mau berubah. Gak perlu banyak alasan kalau emang mau maju hidupnya. Lakukan dulu satu hal baik, dan gua percaya hal baik lainnya akan ngikut. Ga percaya, nih TRUE STORY dari gua. _ Gua sempet share ini di akun gua yg lebih ‘femes’ nan ‘cetar’ @captainruby, walaupun sebenernya gua masih remah-remah abon dibanding foodbloher ternama ibu kota. Ok, lets save that for next time nanti melenceng. Hahaha. Ini ceritanya. _ I was overweight back in 2015. Bertahun-tahun biarin aja menggemuk dengan alasan “job hazard”. Ya kerjaannya moto makanan, ya begini deh. Tanpa gua sadari ini ngaruh kemana-mana. Kerja jadi slow. Napas lebih terengah-engah. Cepet capek. Ga bisa ngerjain banyak hal. Mood lebih sering jumpalitan. Lalu ga pede karena mesti milih banget outfit yg keliatan gembul. I’m sure a lot of you can relate with this. _ Lalu karena ngelirik temen gue Miss Fia Van Burren lagi diet Mayo, gua penasaran dan cobain juga. This was back in 2015. It was my birthday, and gua bingung mau reward diri sendiri apa. So, I took the Mayo challenge. Fast forward dua minggu kemudian, entah bagaimana magic nya, gua kurusan hampir 4 KG. Gue terusin lagi nambah sebulan clean eating, dan total setelah hampir dua bulan gua lebih ringan 7KG. And guess what? Gua merasa hidup gua ikut lebih ringan juga. _ Satu hal baik tadi akhirnya berlanjut ke hal baik lain. Gua perform better at work. Gua lebih seger dan bisa ngerjain lebih banyak hal. Gua lebih happy karena uda ga ribet lagi make baju apa. Everything fits! Dan itu ngasih confidence yang ngefek ke mana mana. _ Semuanya dimulai dari sebuah keputusan untuk memulai SATU HAL BAIK. The rest will follows. Gua ga sabar menghadiahkan diri gua sesuatu yg keren di ulang tahun gua nanti bulan September. 😊😊😊 _ Nah, yang Januari kemarin udah barengan mau ikutan perjalanan #belajarberkaryaberbagi di 2018, gimana kabarnya? Apa satu hal baik yg sedang lo kerjakan? Uda mulai nyatet pengeluaran dengan apps? Uda mulai berhemat dan nabung? Uda explore passion lo? _ Let me hear your story! Mau juga kan menghadiahkan diri lo sendiri satu hal baik? _ #belajarberkaryaberbagi #lifeskills #millenialmentor #fellexandroruby

A post shared by Fellexandro Ruby (@fellexandro) on Feb 15, 2018 at 3:26am PST

Kalau kalian akrab dg apps pencatat pengeluaran, atau mungkin kalian sendiri lagi pake skrg. . . Gini, beberapa waktu lalu ada perusahaan fintech lokal akhirnya menutup unit bisnis ini. Alasannya? Karena ternyata, dari 60,000 user (mostly Jakarta), hanya ada 500-an user yg mau mencatat pengeluarannya secara konsisten dlm waktu lebih dari 3 bulan. . . Means, ga nyampe 1% ya. Jadi, menurut kalian, masih relevan gak sih ngumpul-ngumpulin bon & nyatet-nyatet pengeluaran kayak teori-teori yg selama ini diamini banyak orang? . Diskusi dikolom komen ya...

A post shared by Jouska (@jouska_id) on Feb 5, 2018 at 4:47pm PST

Belakangan berkebun jadi lebih menyenangkan. Hasil panen di musim panas kali ini ternyata berlimpah banget 😍 Setiap minggunya pasti ada aja kelebihan kale, zucchini, spinach, mustard, rocket, bok choy, daun bawang, tomat dan wah masih banyak lagi. Kadang enek juga makan variasi zucchini dari gorengan sampe pasta selama sebulan haha. Temen-temen dan tetanggapun akhirnya jadi ‘korban’ surplus sayuran #rarabenhomegarden. Beberapa dari mereka rutin berkunjung ke rumah buat panen sendiri sayur mayur mingguannya #partisipatoris, ga lupa restock sambal bu rara atau bapa ben yang lagi in season 😂🔥 #itslit . Gatau kenapa tapi semenjak belajar berkebun, masak & bikin kue, jadi merasa kalau berbagi makanan & masakan adalah salah satu hal yang paling bikin bahagia dalam hidup belakangan ini. Selain ena, kenyang, belajar resep baru, juga bikin hati penuh dan merasa kalau semua udah cukup. 👩🏻‍🌾🌱👨🏻‍🌾

A post shared by Rara Sekar (@rarasekar) on Feb 2, 2018 at 3:52am PST

Hair Cut: A Silent Statement of Revelation

Hair is never a big deal for me. But it does have a big role in my life. Over the year, I've been cutting my hair for different reasons. Mostly because I'm bored. Sometimes, it holds deeper meaning behind.

Back in 2015, I cut my hair right after I finished my thesis defence. I cut my curly beautiful shinny waist long hair to a shoulder lenght bob. At first I didn't feel anything, but 30 minutes later, a wave of shock started to hit my shore. It was so short, the shortest I'd been in 4.5 years. And I felt like I lost something. Then I remembered why in the first place I got a haircut: to take charge of my life. I was nervous. It was consider a very bold move, because my mother made it really clear that "I better maintain my beautiful long hair", I look more feminine that way. But as a 21 years old girl who about to taste the bitter sweet of real life after college, I believed I entitle to make the call: long or short hair. That moment, I decide that I can style my hair however I like and it has to represent who I am.

The change was necessary, at least for me. I think I always mark a momentum with something that I know will stay with me, like my hair, so I can remember what I want to achieve in the future. I actually think about a tattoo too but, I don't have the guts to make one. Well, not yet. Haha.

I thought a lot about why that hair cut was a revelation for me. Then I went back to the last 4.5 years, to those confusing years. Years I spent questioning and loosing my way. Years I felt so alone, like never before. I tried so so hard to chase happiness that I forgot what happiness was in the first place. Then I tried so hard to define happiness and got lost in translation. I think those years is the perfect visualisation of young, dumb and confused. No, it should be young, dumb, confused and greedy haha. At the end, I decided that I needed to graduate as fast as I could. I needed to get out of the cage and saw the world with my own eyes, widen my horizon. I needed to go slow, one question at the time. Beside, I had all the time in the world, what's the hurry?

One thing I remember clearly about that day I cut my hair short: I felt so relieve. My head felt so light. When I looked in the mirror, I felt like I was finally finding another piece of myself. I felt a little braver. And happy. I felt like half of my burden and my problem was got cut along with the hair. I felt like tearing down the wall between who I thought I was and who I aspired to be. The thought of my mother's reaction was probably the last thing I remember after the cut. I just felt like at that time, I celebrated myself.

After that moment, I cut my hair several times. I like super short bob so much, so easy to maintain and styled. I questioned myself on how I survived 4 freakin' years with waist long hair because it's a lot of hassle, compared to my sweet short bob. But well, every haircut has its own glory. I used to love that curly long hair so much, before I let it go for good.

Now I decide to grow back my hair. I guess I miss having long hair so I can braid it into piggy tails. Or, it's probably the season for me to embrace part of myself that I secretly scared of: young, dumb, confused and greedy. Or probably, I just want to practice my patience by growing it back waist lenght. Whatever my true reason is, I believe I will enjoy the ride. I'm too old to make a big fuss of a bad hair cut. I'll make it work, somehow.

But if you know me, you probably know it's always about a little bit of everything, here and there ;)

On Purpose

Never before I have this huge, urgent feeling of helping somebody else in my life. But I do. And I want to help so much, to the point that I'm scared I may miss something I can do to lessen her burden. I'm constantly in paranoia that I don't do enough, that I'm not useful enough.

Never before I feel so horrified that I feel like I can burst out into tears in any moment. I feel like I'm looking at the face of the nightmare, the one that I don't imagine encountering in my life. But there it is, making an appearance and here I am, shivering with the cold of reality.

I remember praying, so hard, I repeat the same sentence over and over again in my head. I hope the more I repeat it, the clearer God will hear me. I say, please let me take care of her. I say, please let me make her happy. I say, please lend her your strenght so she can overcome this problem. I say, please let her stay.

Please let her stay,

so I can show her how beautiful things can be.

Never before I thought living my life for other people. But I do. And I wish that I'm given that opportunity by God, to take care of the ones I dearly love for the deepest of my soul.

Please let her stay.

Bad Day

It's should be an ordinary day
when I got home late
and tired from a long day
It should be the end of the day
when I sat back with my feet stretched across the table
watching political news that I didn't really understand
It shouldn't be raining
and clashing thunder
until one phone call

There I was,
heavy shoulder
tangled mind
cold hands
eyes closed
I was sitting on the floor,
crying over the phone

The Joy of Choosing from Your Heart

So, I've been re-reading my previous blog posts over the last two weeks of January. It's nice to sit back and recall all the things that I've been through last year, rethinking of how I felt back then and found a new perspectives every time I visited those memories. I guess, that's why I love to write my experience, my feelings, my anger, basically everything, down. It helps me a lot to reflect and map my mind in the future. It's also a good reminder of what I aim in life and what I want to achieve. It keeps track on how far I've came, how many times I've fallen, and how many times I, surprisingly, got back up again. Haha. I think so low of myself, just because, well, if you guys read all my old blog posts, I'm sure you'll get a picture why. If I may, this blog is probably my biggest achievement for the last 15 months. I couldn't make it this far without this blog. This is my steady ground, my safe place.

Ever since I decided to listen to my self more, I've been experiencing nothing but joy. I feel more like my self. I feel like, I truly live this life. Somehow, when you choose from your sincere heart, the hardship becomes your strenght, the rejection becomes your motivation, and going to sleep to dream and escape the reality is no longer your first option at the end of the day. It's more exciting to be awake and chasing the sun.

Of course, things don't always turn to your favor. But I have less regret if things go wrong, mostly because I already make peace with that possibilities before making that choice. I accept it and I'll be grateful for the lessons. I won't blame somebody/something else. I guess, I've grown out of that child's play. Again, when you choose from your sincere heart, it's easier to let go, it's easier to accept that everything doesn't always go as plan. Therefore, plan B is highly recommended. Ha! Now you even become smarter by preparing several plans for several possible outcomes. Isn't it wonderful? So let's go against the flow once in a while, with a good plan and risk management, it will become an exciting journey indeed.

Another thing that I'm so grateful for is my friends and family. Choosing an unconventional path is famous of how bumpy and heartbreaking the ride can be, but it doesn't mean you are alone. On the way, you will meet people who sincerely support your choice. You probably meet people who experience similar situation and sharing each other experience makes you feel less lonely. They pretty much understand your struggle and the joy of achieving a goal. They are you. Which is awesome cause it's like finding a family bonded by passion and common interest. It also makes you realise that the love you receive should never be taken for granted. Those people who stay by your side are precious treasures. You'll find them only after you go through a lot of stuffs, being hurt and mistreated. I'm forever grateful for having my support system that sometimes I shamelessly tell them how much they mean for me. I just want to let them know how I feel, they have to know how much they make me happy and worthy.

A friend of mine once told me, "This is probably looking like a mess right now. But it's necessary. Imagine for big you'll grow if you are able to handle this slippery situation. This is probably a once in a lifetime chance. Clean up the mess and earn their respect. You may achieve your goal faster than your plan. Just do it, go for it."

Hello from The Future

My sister and I took a trip to the north of Surabaya to watch the sunrise on the last day of the holiday. It's just, a beautiful beginning to a new journey. So blessed.